If you ain't dirty you ain't here to partyyyyy! I didn't want to have to do this X-tina but you left me no choice. I am not sure what the effers you are doing lately or why you are such a dirrty mess; but given the relentlessness of your outrageous actions you have earned yourself a bitchin bloggin post. Yo that's what's up. Congrats! Ring the alarm and I'm throwing elbows!!
Christina Maria Aguilera (of course her name is Maria! Way to keep stereotypes alive Ecuadorians! At least you threw the "h" in the first name!) stole our hearts as the cute little kid in star search determined to sing her butt off. She sold her young soul to Disney and starred in the infamous Mickey Mouse Club program with the future sweet talkin sugar candy man Justin Timberlake. He's a one stop shop with the real big uhhh... oh JT I am sorry...I wish I could help myself. She faded into adolescence but made her way back during the pop revolution of the 1990's. Move over Brit Brit I gots the abs and THE voice. I am a genie in a bottle baby come come and let me out. I could reenact that entire video (although I'd probably opt for a tunic) because I watched it on an endless repeat loop back in the TRL dayz. She followed up with two more #1 songs from her debut album. What a girl wants is to be on top and to come on over. And she sure was on top. Although constantly compared to the sweet Louisiana girl who sang about being hit one more time, everyone knew she was a voice to be reckoned with. Disney knew it the moment they signed her and continued to capitalize off their investment by featuring Christina in the animated movie Mulan. When will my reflection shine who I am inside... oh don't worry! You are about to go from Christina to X-tina!
After the success of her debut album the sky was the limit for the platinum blonde. She released a spanish album, which is like a right of passage for anyone who can be marketed as latin artist. Although CA is half Ecuadorian the Irish half is clearly the dominant gene. The mayor of Connecticut is at this very moment wondering if she eats Tacos...or is that just a Mexican thing? She gave us a Navidad album which received a decent showing of commercial success, proving to anyone who still doubted her voice that she was fo reals. Apparently the EcuIrish diva was displeased with her image and began a transformation as she promoted her 4th studio album: Stripped. Apparently not just the sky was the limit but also no low-rise leather pant was excluded from this catapult to the top. Assless chaps were never the same after X-tina got thru with them!! Ahhh yea it's time to talk about the infamous dirrty video. Poor Redman he must have been desperate for a little cash flow. Too dirrty to clean my act up. The close ups of their mouths on the video tell you just how dirrty it's about to get. Note the double R. Shit is legit. Except the video was such an obvious ploy to over-sexualize her image to sell more records "express her sexuality" which is totally fine if it is in addition to a concept - not in place of one. She got sweaty and dirrty and then showered and booty popped. El fin. Right? Nope!
Stripped was more than just dirrty dreads and cheeks mcgee for X. She followed with the brilliantly written and emotional Beautiful. Smart. Such a great melody with a power message: You are beautiful no matter what they say! Thanks X! I think so too! Suck it haters! The simplicity of her role in the video helps put into focus the social struggles of gays, anorexics, kids who are bullied, a guy I am convinced was my tennis teacher (as the cross dresser) and people with disproportionately large heads! Talking to you Christina! Those close-ups make your head look ginormous! But here is the good news: Words can't bring you down. So I won't bring you down today. And you fuckin nailed it with that voice. But the calm and toned down Christina was only in strippedville for a short stay. Enter Fighter.
I truly wished you had saved the whole boxing thing for Fighter. But that's neither here nor there. When I racked my brain to remember this video I couldn't. Then I watched it and realized why! It sucks!! It's a (badly executed) goth version of the moth becoming a butterfly. (But kudos to you for sporting Gaga like make-up and weirdness in 2002 BEFORE she even existed in the music world) As a lifetime Lostie (if you have never seen LOST please note that I frown heavily upon this. It is single handedly the best television drama ever. The End.) the scene where Locke explains to Charlie that helping the moth by cutting its cocoon, will in the end hurt it. Depriving the moth of the struggle will hinder it in its survival once in nature. (It's on hulu! Watch it!!) Similarly as humans we are constantly told "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I hate when people say that to me, even though it is absolutely 100% the truth. The first time I heard fighter I decided that was my new way to verbalize the aforementioned. The spoken part at the beginning is delivered with such delicious restraint that for a maniac like me makes me want to immediately emulate. How could this man I thought I knew turn out to be unjust so cruel. The listener is told that some peen wronged our dear X, but since that doesn't apply to me; I will tell you about the times I rolled my windows down and drove on the southern state parkway letting out my anger on my steering wheel "singing" at the top of my lungs to this liberating anthem. (I am pretty sure I never came close to reaching that high C. Or the low one actually!) For the bitches who sabotaged me at work: Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know Just how capable I am to pull through. For all the "friends" who were never really my friends and used me: Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game. For the cunt of a boss who made me clean up her vomit: Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down. Because of you X-tina and this faboosh song I feel empowered. So I want to say thank you cause... SING IT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!! Made my skin a little bit thicker. Thanks for making me a fighter.
In 2006 Christina released Back to Basics and in 2010 Bionic. I loved the pin-up look for candyman and the song Keeps getting better. But that is really about it on those 2 albums. Burlesque, a movie I presume nobody actually watched (except for Glitter fans) with Cher, was also released in 2010 featuring our diva. She was relevant but it wasn't because of her music, instead her divorce and weight gain were the topic of discussion. She became the true definition of a hot mess.
In 2011 The Voice reminded us why she truly is one of the best vocalists of our time. Even if her appearance and behavior say otherwise. All the great singers who audition always pick her as their coach, there is a reason why: she knows her shit and the bitch can really SING. Look, I don't care about the weight gain; X-tina you are a beautiful bootylicious woman, but would wearing spanx and clothes that fit be THAT bad? I know first hand what carrying around some extra lbs feels like, but I am not wearing clothes from 1995 and sporting the muffin top look. Your fashion decisions are not flattering to your figure, your hair is frizzy ratty and oily, and you need to start getting professional spray tans. The good news is that these things can all be fixed and (GASP!) even prevented! After the media brouhaha brought upon by the "self-tanner" incident, many came to your defense to say "cut her some slack". But I won't do that. I refuse to cut you slack. Why?! Because I reserve "cutting slack" for tards like LiLo, Snooks and the Kardashians who have no discernible talent to speak of. No slack for you! You have been nominated for 17 grammys and won 4! Rolling Stone ranked you #58 among the top singers of all time!! Act like you somebody boo. Because you are!! If a pee-on like me can go to a tanning salon, have a variety of spanx to fit any occasion, get weekly manis AND wash my greasy hair so can you Christina Maria Aguilera!! Your music is deeply rooted in empowering women, it is time you walked your talk again. I hear you may be doing a collabo with Princess RiRi. I am pumped and look forward to more of that in 2012! But in the end you'll see you won't stop me. I am a fighter, I ain't gonna stop. There is no turning back. Go get 'em X-tina.
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JAM OF THE WEEK: Fighter - Christina Aguilera
As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!
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