Turkey for me and Turkey for you

The most precious time of the year is upon us and I for one couldn't be more excited! Before the sweet baby jesus graces our shitty world with his luminous presence we eat turkey every which way, shop right up to the limit on our credit cards and sing to Wam's "last christmas" (I will argue until I die, this is the best the x-mas song of all time. Yup Nat King Cole can suck it!!) That's right I am talking about the most american tradition of all: Thanksgiving. The day where we stand up and say..."I am tired of you commenting on my lumpy potatoes. Next year make them yourself!!!" Oh wait you don't say that.... perhaps you say..."No I don't have a sudden disease...I am just chubbs but thanks for bring THAT up again...." Am I getting closer...? This day was designed to remind us how lucky we are (chubbs or not) and I would like to share the 5 things I am most thankful for this year with you!!!

5) Butter
Paula Dean my idol, and her no-holds-barred-add-a-little-more-butter...nope-a-little-more-delicious-salty-and-holy-shit-why-is-it-so-delish? butter mentality. I am not a kitchen connoisseur of any kind; sometimes I find things in my cupboards I didn't even know I had (that should tell you something) but I've mastered a few dishes in mah time. I can tell you with absolute certainty that everything tastes better with a little extra butter. And by extra I don't mean a pinch. In true MC style, extra means put in what you normal humanoids think it's extra and just when you think "wow's that's a lot of butter.." that's when you know it is time to add a little more. E-X-T-R-A!!! Like the perfect accessory to an outfit, butter can bring average dishes to a new yummylicous culinary level. But at turkey time I find myself reaching for that delicious Kerry's Gold Irish salted butter (Probably one of the only good things to come out of that place...okay fine.... <*MER>...and U2!! ) again and again. I don't see the reason to EVEN have grits other than to eat a huge slop of butter to go along with it. I love all kinds of butter, salted, unsalted, whipped, churned, you name it and I am happily spreading it. So what if it's bad for my health? I am sure the brazilian blow out hair treatment, the hair dye, the gel nail polish, the hair spray, the tanning can't be good for my health either but honestly I won't live my life deprived of butter or smooth shiny straight hair. Just thinking about it makes me start to hyperventilate... When you are down and life isn't treating you so great or if in doubt...do as Paula and I and add a little more butter....

*** MER = Major Eye Roll

Really KIM K?!? THAT DOUCHE?!?!

4) Lamar Odem 

So what that I had no clue who this dude was until he married the best Kard bitch of all! Well maybe only second to Bruce. (Have you guys seen his ear accessories!? Bru please you are embarrassing yourself! Remember when you were an olympic athlete?! Nope me either! Take those studs off and get your manhood back boo.) Like most of you, the Kardashians raped my eyes and ears with their ridiculous and frivolous arguments, endless product endorsements, photo shoots, wrestling matches, ass shots, and mounds and mounds of beautifully adorned Louboutins (so jelly!). I don't know how it happened but I don't remember life before the preppiest dressed baby on television was crying about something: Scott Dissek. Ha! You thought I was gonna say Mason. Silly wabbit!! I never actually know when the show airs, but I do know every time I turn on E! they are taking Miami (I'm in Miami Trick!!!) or New York or my dignity...whatevs. The other day I was watching it and realized Lamar is my CANDY MAN!! (apparently this is his nickname on the court) I am so thankful he is around because he seems to be the only normal one and the one Kard tard who actually earns his living as a versatile basketball player. Sorry Kimmie marrying the first peen in track pants (is that all he ever wears? There isn't even an NBA season right now!) to have a lower IQ than you is NOT earning a living! Us regular bitches marry for free! Next life I am going to do it right and marry some rich old fuck. Robert Deniro was right...the working man is a sucka. So Lamar I am thankful that you make the inevitable more bearable. You got a piece of me and honestly...My life would suck without you.

 3) Bruno Mars
I have very conflicting feelings when it comes to my marsi poo. When I see your face there's a few things not a thing that I would change...Let's call a spade a spade peeps....the kid is fugly. But man oh man THAT voice. I always forget how unattractive he is until I see him in person because his voice is so powerful and soulful. Like Adele, when you hear a BM song you feels that shiz. For most women the need for strong markings in the hotness department diminishes the more involved we get. I mean this dude is gonna catch a grenade for ya! I am not exactly sure what circumstances would warrant for the below scenarios to occur.... ie: why are people throwing a grenade at me that you have to catch it?! Have the zombies taken over and food supplies are low causing #22 Shane the man to try and kill us....hmmm...Shane (if you are not watching The Walking Dead...you SHOULD be!).....Why would you throw your hand on a blade?! Don't you remember machinery safety from Tech Class Bruno?!! Jump in front of a train?! NO dude! That shit is happening errrday on the LIRR...I need that to STOP happening! If you want to kill yourself can't you find a more sensible way and hour to do it in? Perhaps the comfort of your own bathtub in the middle of the night?! I am not saying...I am just saying...take a bullet straight thru my brain....If my body was on fire....again, I ask why to both of these....but look Bru the truth is even though I am actually taller than you, I adore you. Cause you're amazing just the way you are. Your debut album has been on constant replay this entire year and if it wasn't for you telling me: today I don't feel like doing anything...is it the dancing juice? Who cares baby! I think I want to marry you! I am not sure I would make it thru some of those excel spreadsheets I stare at alllllllllll day. For this I am thankful to have you on my ipod. Of course your best song to date is your current hit "It will rain" No religion that can save me from being obsessed with that song. Well done my shortie. That song is utter perfection. Looks will fade but your beautiful voice won't. Stay away from those fuckin grenades will you?!

Please SBJ tell me the third thing before these peeps figure out I am a total fuck tard!!

2) Rick Perry (but really all Republican presidential candidates)
I was struggling for a long while to get into the 2012 election hoopla. Not just because you know it is an entire year away, but I just had not found anything specially on the GOP side, to hold my interest. Most people will remember an important day for years and years right down to the tiniest detail. The day they graduated college, the first day at their first real job, the day their child was born. For me it was a particularly difficult day: coffee had spilled on my shirt almost immediately after I left for work causing me to rearrange my fashion scheme for the day, a couple of hours later I got a stupid paper cut right on my knuckle. But then the day completely turned when I read on CNN.com that Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house. Fo realsies?! I remember this moment like it was yesterday. I was looking for a Sexy Sarah in the haystack...and there just wasn't one to be found. But then Rick Perry came and swooped in with his texas-if-you-don't-like-me-tough-shit attitude (so hot!), his gun (hotter!) and an equally distinguishable "I'm sexy and I know it mofos" grin (Yosemite Sam super hot hotness!!). If you haven't seen the youtube video when he calls some reporter a mofo and of course the now infamous "three things...but I can only remember two..." you just don't know what you are missing. Between Herman the pizza guy groping some bitches (if he had just admitted that from the get-go it wouldn't have mattered to anyone) and taking the longest pause of all time to answer a single question about Libya, Michelle Bachman's crazy eyes, I got plenty to keep me entertained at least until Iowa...then I am hoping all hell will break loose!! After all everything is bigger in Texas Iowa. So thank you sexy slick Rick for making your way into my life and for the laughs. I think of you every night and day. You took my heart and you took my pride away. I hate myself for loving you. Can't break free from the things that you do.

 

1) my dearest and dedicated reader - DUH YOU!!

I just know you bitches lovesss to read this blog! I want to tell you how much I love having a creative way to express myself and write it for you. I am thankful that each and everyone of you take the time to read about the crazy and ridic things I have to say and share it with your friends on facebook. To know me is to know I am a maniac, but to love me is to accept me as a maniac and let it entertain you using my favorite thing in the world...MUSIC!
I hope to continue to bring you interesting, creative and fun blogs for your reading pleasure. Have a great thanksgiving!!!! I love you all bitches!!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Joan Jett - I hate myself for loving you

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Vienna waits for you...

There I was in the harsh light of my bathroom...is that...? Nooooo it can't be. OMG (GASP!) there's another one! Aughhhhh how could this be happening to me?! I am too young! I haven't even turned 30 yet! WTF fo reals....Should I do it?! I thought about it for a moment...could what people say really be true? Ahhh fuck it, I am just gonna do it. Phew! That was painless. And I held it up against the cruel reality of the light, just to be sure it wasn't one of my blonde highlights. Nope. It was a gray. Hair. Sweet baby J it hurts to even type it... I've had enough this is my prayer that I'll die living just as free as my hair. This is my prayer, I swear I am as free as my hair. I am my hair. I stayed in there like a psycho and after counting 7 more I almost shed a tear. Okay they were croc tears but still...I won't ever look as good as Anderson. Ever. My beloved gray fox!

 Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Shawty...It's your birfday...we gonna partay like it's your birfday...and you know we don't give a fuck cause that's your birfday! As most of you know a certain someone just celebrated a birfday. Ewww it's me. Yup the big 28. Some of you who read this blog (thank you friends for sharing on facebook! Keep it up!) and don't know me personally would've sworn based on my acronym preferred language and endless "whatevs" that I was 12. Nope. A full blown adult. Suck it conformity and full sentences. I want to die before I get old. Talkin 'bout my generation Preach Roger. Who wants to be senile and fugly?! Not me. No diggity no doubt. Aging to me is a slow road to being alone and useless. That sounds harsh but it is MC talk. Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die... Clearly The Flaming Lips agree with MC talk. I hate the idea of sitting in a nursing home trying to remember the best moments of my life. Or how once upon a time I wouldn't randomly drool while speaking. Okay wait...that's not a great example...since that sometimes happens. Don't judge me. You feels me though right? I will midnight it on a train to Georgia before I let that shiz happen. Going back to a simpler place and time.

I think I am going to need more cream

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we wouldn't have to wait so long... I distinctly remember being younger and bored in my room dreaming of the days I'd be older and super cool. In my day dreams I was always filthy rich and disgustingly skinny (oh maria you really should eat something...I know I just can't it is soooo hard), and I assure you there were no gray hairs. What I should have been doing was saving for all the anti-aging products I would be using... I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger.  Even though Rod warned me I didn't listen. What is it about youth that makes us feel as if we are on top of the world? Invincible? Our society is not kind to high human numbers so in turn we want to remain young for as long as we can. This is a touchy subject between my hair dresser and I. Tony Bolony pulls my hair a little harder every time he hears me bitch about how old I am. To a man nearing 60 this sounds like someone needs a beat down with the blow dryer.  (Other than the self-inflicted blow dryer abuse he is an amazing hair god!! Salone De Belleze, East Islip 631-581-9247) Forever young...I wanna be forever young... But it is not my fault! Music has been obsessed with songs about aging since way back in the dark days when Tony lived. I was only able to highlight a few here, but the sheer volume of songs about aging is quite surprising. I have been conditioned to think this way.

When I am not complaining about my back hurting after I bring the groceries in, or my lack of desire to drive at night...I do think about the benefits of getting older. Jigga man says it best "I don't got the bright watch I got the RIGHT watch. I use to let my pants sag, not givin' a fuck now I got black cards, good credit and such...bae boy, cause I'm all grown up" I don't have to scheme up ways to work alcohol into my social life, I qualify for the "commuter special" at the bagel store, I get to watch R-rated movies whenever I want, and I give salty dirty looks to those annoying kids who are always playing in front of my driveway when I come home from work. Why do they have to run in front of the car as I creep up...WHY!?!?  All pluses fo shizzle. Obviously maturity is the biggest benefit coupled with realizing the things that actually matter in life: facebook newsfeed, reading my US weekly, manicures making the most of this random, ridoncolous life.

 

I AM NOT DONE WITH THE FIRST COURSE BITCH!

This point in my life resembles a certain restaurant experience that I believe we are all familiar with. There you are, you look great in your new heels and your make-up is MAJ. I die for it. You get seated at a great table and have just been informed they are serving a 5 course dinner for the price of regular dining. Ahhhhmazeballs. The first course is so delicious you can hardly believe it. The flavors explode in your mouth and you wish you could just eat this all night. There is so much food and just as you are reaching for one more glorious mouthful, the cute waiter comes over and takes it from you as the second course is coming any second now. That's what aging feels like to me. I am trying to get as much of course 1 as I can before course 2 comes and I've wasted such good food (aka life). Of course I know course 2 is gonna be epic and course 1 will pale in comparison. But I am one of those people who craves total and utter control. I want to go into the kitchen make the courses and then sample them in the order and quantity that I see fit. Nice try says life. Get back to your table!!

Slow down you crazy child...you're so ambitious for a juvenile. Where's the fire?! What's the hurry about? Billy Joel always influenced my school of thought but no song spoke to me the way Vienna seemed to then...and still does today. (You may have also seen it in the forgettable but fun Jennifer Gardner movie 13 going 30...talk about lame montage...who am I kidding I fuckin love it!) As a young adult wondering why I couldn't be in the 15 clubs I wanted to be in, his words of not growing up so fast went unappreciated by my over ambitious sassy ears. I look back and shake my head every time I see that picture of me in the Robotics club. I mean really?! What kind of shiz is that?!?! In typical Billy Joel form, his intimate and relatable lyrics accompanied by a disgustingly perfect melody make this song an anthem for weirdos like me who want to complete as much of the race upfront just in case I can't make up my time later. In 8th grade Mr. Wolgalter (holla my oregon middle school peeps!) my chorus teacher, taught me the song for my NYSSMA audition, you know, in my spare time between tennis, mock trial and drama. NERD ALERT!! From Billy's 1977 phenom album The Stranger, Vienna is a song about chillaxing and taking the time to enjoy life, while accepting that aging is not only normal but necessary. (Mr. W was trying to tell me something!) Billy found the inspiration as a surprise while on a stroll with his father in Austria were he saw an elderly woman sweeping the street. What a terrible way to spend your golden years!!! Talk about senior citizen abuse! Not so much said Mr. Billy Joel Senior; the city of Vienna allows its elder population to be productive members of society. Listen peepos gonna keep it reals with you: I can't fathom the thought of sweeping the street now as a partial PYT, let alone when I am all diapered up and cursing under my breath to nobody in particular. But you see that sneaky snickerson Billy uses Vienna as a metaphor for life. When will you realize...Vienna waits for you... Our "vienna" is waiting for us and when we are ready our landing will be flawless and seamless.

It was bittersweet to wake up on that beautiful sunny saturday and find those grays, the slight formation of wrinkles around my eyes and the realization that my body woke up feeling as though an 18 wheeler had ran over it. It was after all my day of birth..shouldn't it feel more exciting and riveting? The truth is that as difficult as it is to witness the physical changes of aging...I was excited and riveted. (But only after I exfoliated and put on more eye cream - I am a woman after all!) I thought about it and technically I started aging when I was born. We have been aging this entire time, but as the effects become more pronounced (I don't give the finger or stick out my tongue when I see bitches fall...AS MUCH as I used to..) we tend to look back more in nostalgia than forward. The stages and the time to complete them will vary for each of us. But you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old. Let's get what we want AND get old!! Buckle up bitches and see ya in Vienna!!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Vienna - Billy Joel

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!