Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda

Check baby check baby 1,2,3,4....I remember the first time I watched the movie Selena. I was like good gracious ass is bodacious!! It must be padded. I actually had to watch it twice because the first time, I felt like I was under the spell of a big booty and endless mounds of white spandex. Wait she dies?! Shit what did I miss?! And of course the world was introduced to what we now know as the most beautiful woman in the world. Now since you got the body of the year, come and get the award. Luckily it stuck, and slowly but surely more "curvy" ladies came to the scene. I love that as a society we refer to a normal size as curvy! Have you seen JLo's abs? All 25 of them? Exactly. That's not curvy. The new jloration of junk in da trunk is a nod to a pioneer who was onto something before America could ever conceive of such a concept. Sir Mix-a-lot today, we say thank you.

Growing up I always knew I was destined to have a flat butt, Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda. But boy did I try to change my destiny! I actually used to think that if I practiced the moves of bootylicious beauties on mtv I'd dance my way to a rounder plumper bum. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.  I had all the makings of a killer infomercial: 1) a desperate and completely delusional subject, 2) an unattainable goal, and 3) a ridiculous solution to achieve it. Daaaaaaamn! Why didn't I market that?! Shake shake shake, shake your booty.  I am still shaking it...hoping and wishing...maybe someday...

My days at Gap taught me so much about the rear-end struggles so many females experience daily (and a few gents 'oh sorry I am not trying to be fresh with you I just want to make sure it fits'... And that's how I got away with touching hot guys all day long!) Unfortunately a lot of mass retailers still don't manufacture little in the middle but much back styles, and Gap sorry to break it to you, but this means you! That curvy BS is not cutting it! Despite all the denim disasters (as jeans was specially difficult for these apple bottom babes) almost all of them unequivocally loved their fleshy lady lump! So ladies (YEA!) Ladies (YEA!) Turn around stick it out. Even white boys got to shout...

On the walk to work every morning I enjoy a bevy of wardrobe malfunctions that are both amusing and educational. Every now and then I encounter a derriere that causes me to stare uncontrollably. What?! Cause I am a woman I can't take in a nice b-double-o-t-y-OH-MY?! Bitch please. As I walk and stare I think she got an ass like Serena, Trina, Jennifer Lopez. I don't care what none of y'all say I still love her....get down girl go ahead get down. It's not hard to understand why men have such a hard time around an oakland booty. Gluteus Maximus appreciation is universal: Across languages: Has me el favor y meneate chica tienes tremendo CULO! Across races: Take the average black man and ask him that she gotta pack much back. Across social class: Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that azz up. Across gender: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Across various geographical regions: New York, Bel Air, Miami, Alabama, Tennessee, New Jersey, Boston, Augusta, Atlanta like them girls in dazzy duks...showing leg and a little butt cheek. An entire industry was created around enhancing the bubble...THONGS!! For ladies who got dumps like a truck, truck truck, baby move your butt...I think I'll sing it again.... (OMG DRU HILLL!!! Memssss!!!!! But I'll save them for another post!!)

When it comes to a delicious bumpasarous I don't discriminate and can appreciate a nice male's. Equal opportunity for everyone!!! (Congratulations gay New Yorkers!!! Rejoice and propose!!) Since they are not as common as their female counterparts, they always seem to come out of nowhere. Of course I am not referring to the fat guy down the street who mows his lawn in Levi's that are 2 sizes too small. Yea you got one of those too eh? Crack is always wack. Believe dat. I am talking about the cute guy who is already scoring high on the scale and then the backside seals the deal. Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back. Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that. 

Music has been celebrating the rear end since back in the day. In 1978 we heard Freddie reaffirm that fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round. Then came hip hop and it immediately established a very definitive taste for the lower region of the female anatomy.  It educated America and the rest of the world on the beautiful rainbow variety of money makers (by the way I am still waiting for mine to generate me some!) Who could forget when LL dumped his cutie for Trina because she got a big ole butt. But that wasn't enough for the most lip licks per minute man. He dumped Trina because Brenda apparently had a slightly more appealing big ole butt. And then he was on his way to a Red Lobster and what do ya know?! Shrimp and steak wasn't the only thing cookin'...so of course his waitress Lisa also had...well you know how it ends don't cha...? Endless tail feather shakers instantly kick a so-so celebration into high gear. Women love liberating party anthems about their assets while wiggling it just a little bit; for men its a chance to say filthy things that may never get an appropriate forum in the "real world" otherwise. For example could you imagine a man saying: Cause I'm long, and I'm strong And I'm down to get the friction on... anywhere other than a dance floor? Of course no song makes men and women appreciate a big ass like Sir Mix-a-lot's Baby Got Back. It's nostalgic of a time where Fonda and Flo Jo were relevant and high pants and scrunchies were in! Anthony Ray was a genius who was ahead of his time and who will forever be a part of our culture.

As 4th of July approaches, I can't help but think about our rights as independent booty loving americanos. It's a time of fireworks, chips and dip I put my hand upon your hips when I dip you dip, we dip; burgers, hot dogs, and endless buns! So today my dear reader we are filing this under the necessary and proper clause of our constitutional rights. Yea I said it! It's very necessary to honor the big butts of New York. As we head to the beaches for the holiday weekend take time to appreciate the natural beauty of our well-endowed neighbors (or possibly your own) and be grateful that we live in a nation where we can show our big fat juicy asses and a jelly belly like me can write about it!! And remember...never trust a big butt and a smile!

Thank you to our men and women serving in our military.
`
**I am introducing the JAM of the week. Every week I will recommend a song to download for your listening pleasure which may or may not be related to the post or even popular. Enjoy!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Wish I didn't miss you - Angie Stone

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!


 

What would Jesus do?!? Part Deux

 

 Wow you made it back!!! I thank you for sticking it out!!! Let's dive right in shall we? 

Sheer boredom and a desire to do nothing except lay in bed all day, led me to find a movie on instant netflix called 'Jesus Camp'. Oh cool, arts and crafts for the lord. The rating was actually pretty high and the description seemed good enough for me. As the title implies, it focuses on a few families who send their kids to a camp that teaches them about how to be the best evangelical they can be. Ironically the camp is located in Devil's Lake, North Dakota. No really that's what the town is called. This is going to be amazeballs I thought! A few of the highlights were a girl who loves to dance, but sometimes she admits, she dances "for the flesh" and obviously that is not cool, because everything must be for god. A 10 year old, who proudly tells the camera he was saved at the age of 5 because he realized there was more to life. Another ferocious little girl expressed her dream of being a nail technician, because what a better way to spread the word of the lord than with a kick-ass air brushing. She was nine. The most mesmerizing (and I will admit a little difficult) part of the documentary was seeing all these little youngins in some cases barely out of the toddler stage, speak in tongues and bawling their eyes out asking J for forgiveness.  But in my appalled reaction I also found confusion, what could they have possibly done at the age of 6 that they needed to ask God to forgive them? Did they throw the play doh against the wall and leave it there? Did they steal a cookie from the jar? Did they pee in their jammies by accident? Did they draw all over themselves with a marker? Kiddies, kiddies...I just did 3 out of 4 of those things this week!! Relax. Be cool. 

Lastly, the juxtaposition of these really cute and in most cases smarter than average little peeps, against their very violent message was incredibly eye opening. Pastor Becky is very clear about the importance of indoctrinating these children when they are young. "I want to see young people who are as committed to the cause of Jesus Christ as the young people are to the cause of Islam. I want to see them as radically laying down their lives for the gospel as they are over in Pakistan and Israel and Palestine and all those different places..." I will let you ponder that statement on your own (if you are like me you probably thought WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST!?!?) Children are revered for their pureness and innocence, so it seems a bit absurd to have them identifying themselves in such a violent way; as warriors, soldiers and part of the evangelical army fighting God's war. By the way I thought God was against war? At least they have christian wrestling, 10 commandment mini golf and church drive thrus, so their young years won't totally be devoid of any fun. Would you like a Jesus toy or a Mary toy? Do you have shrek?! Oh no?! Okay then Jesus it is.

 

The documentary briefly showcased an up and coming evangelical star named Ted Haggard. At the end you come to find out he was involved in a national scandal (you may remember he was everywhere for awhile) and a follow up documentary has been made. Of course I watched that also. Operation being lazy for the lord was in FULL EFFECT! Despite the fact that Ted Haggard said some outrageous things which have no basis other than 'that's what the bible says', I found him to be quite compelling, even likeable. The only boy who could ever reach me was the son of the preacher man. Yes he was. He was. At the end of the day when you take away all the religious brouhaha, he is just another person like you and me who is clearly in a lot of pain. He preached to thousands about the immorality (his words) of being a homosexual, while he banged men on the side. He talked about the common thread of sinners, and that their resistance to Jesus is what led them to being gay or be on drugs. He was a man of the lord and yet he was gay and buying meth. He lost everything and was ostracized by the very same people who made him a star.

'The trials of Ted Haggard' was a chilling look at a man who is so deeply ashamed of who he is, that after all he has been through he would rather continue the lie than admit the very same thing he preached against. His congregation spews unity, community and solidarity but when one of their own was suffering they turned their back. What would Jesus do?!? Would he have taken his house, his salary, his dignity and left him abandoned and alone with no way to support his wife and children? I don't know the big J like that but something tells me he wouldn't do what was done to Ted. I also don't think he would have a corporate operation posing as a church; meaning he wouldn't hire people like Ted and make them sign contracts that even the ruthless Ari Gold would find henious. This is one of my biggest beefs with religion. I truly think there are wonderful takeaways from a lot of the teachings of many religions. But the shortcomings of our humanity, ruin them. We are greedy, power hungry, jealous and fundamentally flawed, all of which make it difficult to adhere to the parameters of religion. Exhibit A: Lucifer which I have been informed started out on God's team. Exhibit B: Judas (is the demon I cling to!) As a result of free will, most of us can't be OF god because the truth of the matter is we all want to BE gods (god-like), at least in our own stories. Probably where the phrase "god complex" emerged from. In my opinion most of us are being set-up to fail (I am just a holy fool, oh baby it's so cruel!), but you will still take 10% of my paycheck. Thank you come again. This is a generalization on a bigger scale, as in all fairness, I do realize there are people in the world who truly are very successful and prosper with their religious beliefs. Good for them. I believe we call them saints.

So where do I stand? Am I an atheist? Absolutely not. I am actually a very spiritual person, but I refuse to play into these ridiculous labels which I define as religions. I am not devoted to terms or objects such as a cross to know that there is something bigger than me, than all of us, in my soul. What if God was one of us? Just a stranger, one of us, trying to make his way home. I don't feel the uncontrollable urge to define that something which most of us refer to as God. Something so undefined, that it can only be seen by the eyes of the blind. I don't attend church to pray. I carry spirituality with me everyday, and if I feel the need to pray, I take 5 and I ask the universe for what I want. The after life is something that doesn't keep me up at night. The only thing I think about is not having the man I love so much with me. But you will be with God and that's all you need...I will never love any god more than I love that man. When you call my name it's like a little prayer...let the choir sing! But otherwise I am not interested in securing a direct flight to "heaven". Most people think great god will come from the skies...take away everything and make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth, you would look for yours on earth... One of the greatest songs ever written which perfectly conveys my sentiment: I don't want to live a life where I don't get to enjoy the present. I have not the slightest clue about the after life, heaven, hell, where we go, what happens and what outfits we get to wear. I am sick and tired of all these people saying that they know what goes on after we die. Preacher man don't tell me...I know you don't know what life is really worth. You can fool some people sometimes,  but you can't fool all the people all the time. I know that I want to live a life here where I am kind to others. A life in which I love and cherish all my family and friends unconditionally. A life where I do what feels right in my soul because I want to not because my religion tells me to.  One in which gay people have the same rights we do, where there isn't anti-semitism. Where muslims don't kill innocent people for Allah. Where we don't persecute doctors for doing abortions. Where everyone can say "oh you're a (insert religious affiliation here), that's cool." Not the tried and true 'oh my religion is better than yours'. A life where we just live in the present without worry about what may or may not happen in the after life. Open your eyes look, touch and feel. Rule with your heart, live with your conscience. Love, love love, love and be free we're all God's people. Thank you Freddie.


What would Jesus do if our paths ever crossed?  Would he reject me and tell me that because I chose to march to the beat of my own drum I couldn't chill with him and his crew? Would he disapprove of my obsessive love of songs like Sympathy for the Devil & LG's new masterpiece Bloody Mary (YOU MUST DOWNLOAD! It's so fresh and like nothing I've ever heard before and you know I love my jams!)? Would he say that I ruined his rep when I wrote this post? Would he be disappointed in me for counting on everything except a rosary? I think he will say "I always knew you were spunky and you liked your oatmeal lumpy. That's okay MC. Do your thing girl..." And then music would play and "I'd dance dance dance with my hands hands hands above my head like Jesus said..."

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

What would Jesus do?!?

There are two kinds of people in the world. People who love Jesus and people who don't. If that's true, then do I not exist. I don't love the capital H.I.M. But I don't hate H.I.M. Does this make me a bad person? Religion to me is one of the most fascinating phenoms of the world. Kind of like people who question the appeal of the guidos at the shore, the macarena or jelly shoes, I question the concept of religion as a whole and struggle to understand its mesmerizing strong grip on millions around the world. I've been thinking about this topic for a very long time but hesitated because of various reasons: offending people who take the time to read this blog; friends of mine whom honestly believe I am a rotten human being because I don't exercise daily by walking with the lord; and finally; I really wanted to see how that whole May 21 "end of the days" shiz played out. You can never be too cautious! But I hope that you know dear reader, it is not my intention to be gratuitously offensive but rather to express my true and honest feelings. I don't have all the answers and what opinion I state in this forum is solely based on my experiences and reactions to them. So sit back, grab a latte (or some water with lemon if on a SERIOUS diet like moi) because we are kicking it for Christ in this post! JC in da house!!!!!

Sweet home Alabama lord I'm coming home to you...does your conscious bother you? Tell the truth. Okay Lynyrd, yes it bothers me slightly. Mostly because all I want to do is understand the how's and why's but nobody gots answers for me. They all come across as raving lunatics (that says something coming from this lunatic) so I have no choice but to judge them. My parents were catholic and I remember my momma used to say only Jesus can save us...well momma I know I act a fool but I'll be gone 'til november I got packs to move. My father always kept an old bible on his night stand. He read it quite often and went to church every sunday with a reluctant tween in tow. When I turned around 11 or 12 and started to realize the power of "oh dad I wish I could but I just have sooo much homework to do..." I absolutely milked that shiz! The only thing more important to my father than JC was education. It's funny but I don't ever recall my parents ever asking if I was interested in being a Catholic or going to church. I guess they just assumed I would do it because that's what we "catholics" do.  It is about tradition and ritual.  That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight... losing my religion. Trying to keep up with you, and I don't know if I can do it. My father was a model Catholic. If by model you mean he did the exact opposite of what Catholicism teaches. You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself: (he was heavily racist toward African Americans) which is quite amusing since the word catholic literally means 'all embracing/broad scope'; You shall not commit adultery: (he and my mother separated, he "dated" some other biotch, and now he is back with my mother. Annnnnd I am pretty sure I have a half brother somewhere in the tri-state area); You shall not take the name of the Lord in vain: (now you know where I get it from!); Fast and abstain on the days appointed: (we weren't known for skipping any meals especially those involving a cow.) Never been a sinner. I never sinned. I got a friend in Jesus. So you know that when I die, he's gonna set me up with the spirit in the sky.  

 

Did you write the book of love? And do you have faith in god above? If the bible tells you so...and do you believe in rock & roll ? Can music save your mortal soul?!  Well Don, I am glad you asked! I didn't write the book of love, I pass on the second question, I do 100% believe in rock and roll and I really do think music has saved me and my mortal soul in more ways than I can ever attempt to account for.  Religious people always say they feel God, they have faith in Jesus, they just know. Like that dude JUST knew May 21 was the end. Gonna listen to my 45's, ain't it wonderful to be alive when the rock & roll plays...The only thing I feel 100% in my bones is rock and roll. I don't have to have faith in it because music is tangible, and the proof is in the mp3 pudding (back in the days it was an LP pudding) I got as far as my communion, and had a justice of peace marry us in front of a few family and friends. Going to a church felt like it was someone else's wedding, not mine. As a youngin I felt trapped in a religion that was my father's. I recently heard someone say the term 'recovering catholic' and as soon as I heard it I could immediately relate. I am on the path to recovery. Well they showed you a statue and told you to pray. They built you a temple and locked you away. Ah but they never told you the price that you pay for things that you might have done.  Excuse me a moment I need to call Betty Ford.

 

My boo and I have known a very religious friend since high school. He was always the life of the party, the kid who made you laugh until you peed your pants. He could easily step in and do an SNL skit at 30 Rock on a saturday night. He is that funny. He is a Born Again Christian who takes capital H.I.M. high, low, he takes JC wherever he go. I have noticed that his humor and his personality have taken a back seat to his religion. Now I want to make clear this is my perception, and I don't spend every second of every day with him to prove that statement. Real talk is now in effect. I don't feel like we have as much in common as we used to (gym class) and find myself doing a Fat Joe when I am around him and his family.  I often censor myself when I first meet people, but I don't like having to do it with someone I've known since 1999. When the talk turns to church or god (and it often does) I lean back and do the rockaway because I want no part. I feel the judgement of not being part of the flock, and I am not sure what they find more disturbing: that I am a catholic, or that I am a catholic who isn't religious and questions God. Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. But what's puzzling you? Is it the nature of my game?

The funny thing is that the conversations are always polite and are delivered with a smile, but I certainly have a whole other perception of what I think is really happening: they feel bad for me because I am a sinner. I can't be myself without beind judged...that seems rather unfair in a friendship no? I am not the one going to church every week vowing not to judge others. But what people of faith (at least the ones I've come across) don't really admit is: it's not okay to judge each other just those not like them. Like the horrendous gays, or the baby killers, or the servicemen and women of our military. It's open season when it comes to them. The truth is I am a sinner and I will forever rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. We ain't too pretty we ain't too proud. We might be laughing a bit too loud... With them I never feel out of place. Is there a place for the hopeless sinner?! No Mr. Marley I guess there isn't. Going down, party time. My friends are gonna be there too. I am on the highway to hell.

I decided that perhaps I was feeling this way because I needed to be better 'informed'. I thought that perhaps learning more about evangelicals would lead to more understanding and less judgement of my dear friend (whom I truly do love) and his flock. Guess what actually ended up happening?! The exact opposite. FML!!!! Ooops sorry Jesus, I mean God, or is it Lord? I never know which one I am supposed to use. And why is it Hail Mary? Shouldn't you be Hailing Jesus or God or Christ or the Lord or Savior, Omnipotent one...

Please come back tomorrow for the conclusion of this post, and find out how my 'research' went. It's what Jesus would do!

The (wo)man in the mirror

Remember when you were younger and you thought you could change the world?! I actually thought I could. I am passionate, I am smart, I am a hard worker what else do you need to change the world? Well maybe a red cape...actually pink is really more my style...I am good to go homie! It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference gonna make it right.

More like yea right. As soon as I joined the work force I felt that desire drown in the endless depths of my ambition. I had a taste of what it was like to have my own money and use it for whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I grew up in a broken dysfunctional home but I always got what I asked for. Shortly after my 15th birthday I was informed by Castro (my very affectionate nickname for my father) that the good times were gonna stop rolling. He ingrained the notion of providing for myself and not relying on a man so deep in my psyche that years later I still feel its effects. A willow deeply scarred...

 He wanted me to be responsible and appreciate things more because I would know the type of effort it took to attain it. I lost my mind at first and we had a serious stand off for weeks. Bay of pigs serious. Sounded like a good strategy and admirable parenting. Sure, until I got some money from working at the bagel store on weekends, but that wasn't enough and now I was starting to go out with my friends...hmm what to do...Oh I know!! I am going to work another job maybe just 2 nights a week at Sweezey's. HOLLA PATCHOGUE PEEPS!! I was so money hungry I took a job in the lingerie department (think complete opposite of victoria's secret) measuring the naked fleshy and plump lady lumps of women usually in their 70's. What was a girl to do?! I needed money for all the school functions, going out, school trips, cute outfits, proms, the car I had gotten...it makes me cringe to think I used to complain about the price of gas back then. I'd literally go to the gas station and put in $4.35 in my 1983 ford thunderbird tank. White leather seats bitches. Annnnnd I've digressed.

For awhile that moola seemed to keep me out of the red, but before I knew it...there I was at my third job at the Patchogue pool sweeping sand. This continued after high school as I came to accept that having 3 jobs was perfectly normal. Who sets what's normal anyway?! Whatevs...It seems so simple when you are younger and you know so much. I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love. I felt that while my father's intentions were good, I became a complete work-a-holic mostly because of the money I was raking in.  I didn't really need to work this much....did I?! It's time that I realize that there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan.

I felt guilty that I was so lucky and could comfortably provide for myself while there were others who were homeless and suffering specially veterans. Who am I to be blind pretending not to see their need? They follow each other on the wind ya' know 'cause they got nowhere to go.  This desire to do more in the public sector came when I least expected it and with a job offer to work for a local politician. I left my good paying job in the city to make a difference in my community. Sounded great?! Right?! For a little while it was. I met so many amazing constituents who touched my soul and will never be forgotten in my mind. A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top, and a one man's soul.  They showed me something I had never quite experienced, humanity. The politician I worked for was a Vietnam Vet himself and he gave me the opportunity to help local veterans who weren't as fortunate as he and my husband had been.  Together we implemented and executed so many events and met and heard the stories of WWII and Vietnam along the way. It was like my own version of the history channel but without the cheesy re-enactments. Unfortunately I wasn't cut out for that sector. I was results oriented in a pool of civil servants who didn't use email (GASP! What's bbm?) and worked within a system that doesn't reward based upon achievement but instead who you are affiliated with politically. Incompetency was a disease that had infected almost all the staff. If you are incompetent you shouldn't be in the ring. At least not with me, because I am not known for being too tolerant of mediocrity. That's real talk peeps.

I never missed being a corporate slave so much! It was clear to me that while my desire to make a difference was strong, my desire to be a well compensated, successful business woman within corporate America was much much stronger.  I like a goal and then results. I thrive under structure, order, a competitive environment and a bottom line. I went back to the city and reassumed my position with the pack.

I still privately yearned to make a difference. Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone? Couldn't I do both?! I went back and forth on this notion for awhile and it took me some time to realize what my purpose in life is. WOA! That's a serious statement for a serious thursday.  Shall I re-phrase? It took me some time to realize what my purpose in life could be. We are bombarded with images of Africa or Haiti and immediately align that with "making a difference" MJ is the perfect example. He was quite the humanitarian when it comes to children and the environment. But was that really his biggest contribution? 

This predicament is like regular skittles vs sour skittles. It is hard to really decide because it just comes down to taste. I say MJ's true purpose was to be a brilliant song-writer and performer. He transformed so many lives including mine with his incredible gift. The first time I heard Man in the Mirror it resonated with me, as I am sure with millions of other peeps. I've had a few challenges in the past where I've had to dig deep and have always found this song to be instrumental in doing that. The older I get the more I realize how hard it is physically, mentally and socially to really grab what you want out of life by the balls. Some of us don't prepare for the difficult journey and loosen the grip much too soon.

MJ's masterpieces needed the right vehicles and business people to be brought to life. I may never be the perpetual red cross volunteer, or the stay at home wife/mom, because ultimately that's not where I believe my biggest contribution lies. One can find what their strengths are, and use them to be and make the change they want to see. That's why I'm starting with me. The truth is I believe I can merge my love & passion for business, with success and still find a way to make a change the way so many corporate dudes helped MJ. I gotta get it right, while I got the time  A trip to Africa or Haiti would still be awesome but would no longer be the defining factor in my desire to contribute. Thanks Mike. And no message could have been any clearer if you wanna make the world a better place. Take a look at yourself and then make a change.

 RIP MJ ~ You will always be missed.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Dirty Diana

  
 

I am already regretting writing this post and it hasn't even started yet!!! Okay...heeeeeeeere we go. The world needs skanks. Sluts. Easy lays. Groupies...or as my beloved MJ said a Dirty Diana or two....sorry my real life non-slutty Diana!! CRINGEEEE!!! I know I can't believe I said it either. But it is true. Which is why I needed to write about it and you my dearest reader needs to know!!!

Two days ago I was on the train and I watched a clusterfuck of little skankaroos walk by me. Nice thong...I wonder if I could find it at victoria's secret in turqouise? Hmmm...mental note for later. You seduce every man, this time you won't seduce me. Unlike men, we aren't mesmerized by a little cheeky action. Sometimes we are amused, but most of the time it is a comparison tool for us ladies. Sure she may have a great ass, but her face isn't so great. I'd rather have a nice face than a great ass. Plus I'd also rather be chlymedia free but hey I am old fashioned like that. When a skank enters the room, everybody notices. Especially if it is HALLOWEEN!!! But since it is June how was I sooo sure that the vag posse was skanky?! 

I say, there are a few sure signs to spotting and identifying a skankasoreous! (A drunk stranger called me that once!! OUUUCH! Below the belt, but the term changed my life. Thank you lady with the mullet on the LIRR circa 2003) The first sign is appearance, but specifically clothes. <Side Rant: I am so sick and tired of hearing people say "just because I dress like a slut, doesn't mean I am one!" Morons YOUR BUS IS LEAVING! Get off the high horse and cut the shit. That is one of the most idiotic things a woman can ever say. It is like saying just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I am a female. REALLY? Because actually that's exactly what it means! Why would you dress like a slut if you aren't one?!> I am not talking quality of clothing here, but quantity and density. Is skankypoo #1 wearing just a shirt and trying to pass it as a dress? (Quantity) Is she wearing a see thru shirt AND trying to also pass it as a dress? (Quantity & Density) The second sign is an affinity for glorified sluts like Marilyn Monroe, Lil Kim or pretty much anyone in the Lady Marmalade video...remember x-tina's assless chaps in her dirrrty vid?! Exactly, now I know you feels me homes! Sorry LiLo but if skankypoo #2 is sporting a marilyn tat or a nipple cover it's a wrap!! The third sign are the tramp tales. Skankypoo #3 is DTF tonight and she wants you to know about it. It's ladies' night every night for these connoisseurs of ill repute...only they invite M.V.P. to da party!! (OMG I can't wait to see what grenades they find in Italia!!!  Molto Bene indeed!!!) The fourth and final sign to spot a skank is of course, to walk into a crowded room, and yell it. See who turns around.  What great fun that would be!!! Something tells me you'd get lots of heads to turn in the unlikeliest of places!!! 

Skanypoos are people too, with real feelings and fake hair extensions. Believe it or not we actually do need them around. Why you ponder?! Well first of all we use them to feel better about ourselves. I know I do. Just as I am trekking thru penn station wondering if my dress is too short for the day's meeting, I see a 12 year old whose hem line makes mine look like I'm amish. Well that's clearly no longer an issue. SCORE! The second reason why we need Dirty Dianas is because musicians need to smoosh too!! It's a given. Like an MJ song that comes on your ipod during shuffle. You never skip over it! DUH! She likes the boys in the band. She knows when they come to town. Every musician's fan after the curtain comes down. I want my rock stars to pound as much vag as they need to keep making great music. That’s real talk. The third reason is the economy. Who knew the GDP and the lady parts were so intertwined?!! Now...I am no Ben Bernanke, but skanks are heavily contributing to the economic recovery. If it weren't for them who would work at Hooters? Yeah I said it. But strip clubs is probably more accurate, which in case you didn't know are extremely lucrative! She's saying that's Ok, hey baby do what you want. I'll be your night lovin' thing. I'll be the freak you can taunt. To be fair, I think Hooters is a fun place and I realize not everyone who works there is a skank. I wish for just one day to work there and see the peens up close and personal. I would absolutely put "Dirty Diana" on my name tag. What a great blog post that would be eh?!? Additional contributions include buying skankylicious clothes, which creates jobs; increasing revenue of companies like trojan, monistat and vidal sassoon. Yo these bitches gotta stay fresh to death!!!

My adult life I've spent a lot of time smack talking the skanks and not realizing their true value to our society. There is an annual "slut walk" that brings that same awareness to thousands of others...Oh yea that is 100% for reals peeps! I am sorry skankypoos I just didn't know...I've Been Here Times Before But I Was Too Blind To See...Their message has always been simple: I'll Be Your Everything If You Make Me A Star To the skanks of the world: May all your dreams come true. Now I better go sign up for that walk before it fills up!!!!

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Work Nature

 The constant gum popping. The disgusting fish for lunch. FISH SHOULD NOT EVER BE MICROWAVED IN AN OFFICE. The knowledge they refuse to share with everyone else. The hyena laugh. They jump into your phone conversations as if they are the ones on the other end. The way they say good morning when you are 5 minutes late, as if you have personally wronged them. The non-stop complaining about everything from what to get for lunch (who you kiddin bitch you know you're gonna get pizza) to a sun burn (I am so sun burnt wah wah...hey asshole have you heard of sunscreen?!!) The hacking up of a lung. Basically just their existence is enough to make you want to go all mortal kombat on their asses all the time...is it just human nature to act this way?! No friends, this is work nature.  Unfortunetely for us grunts, we have to work to sustain a decent way of living = we have no choice but to endure 40+ hours a week of these shenanigans. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes ALL to work in an office.

There are 5 basic types of people we work with. We all know them. They may be men, women, black, white, asian, latino, skinny bitches and salad dodgers, but their basic work personality is almost exactly the same across the board.

1) The Wanna be starting something types:

I want to start with this very special specimen of co-worker. We mistakenly  believe they show up everyday to do the same shit you do: Work! DUH! Oh but actually they have a super secret handbook that describes their actual job as 'fanning the flames of office politics' That IS their J.O.B. Conversations that occur within a 100 feet: fair game. Talkin' stealin' lyin' sayin' you just wanna be starting something. You gotta be starting something don't ya? Ohhh emmmm geeee I heard Chloe say the word quit. She is absolutely going on interviews. I heard her last day is next week. Should we have a going away party? Oh and that reminds me don't expect Lauren to come because I heard her say she didn't feel good...mhmm...You know what that means...I saw her walking out with Christian the other day... PREGGO. Have you seen the baby bump?! Out of control. You know who else is out of control?! YOU wanna be starting something type! You take any small shred of information and twist it in the most ridic ways possible. Chloe actually said 'wit' as in something you lack, Lauren had pasta at lunch with 2 cookies and Christian is gay. You love to pretend that you're good, when you're always up to no good. For these types, starting trouble is a serious part of their job description. The hardest part is understanding that they are too high to get over and too low to get under. You're stuck in the middle, but the pain doesn't have to be thunder. Once you identify these grimmy deuchingtons it is easier to deal with their talkin' cryin' hustlin' stealin' lyin' because the reality is, they will never change. But you can call those bitches bluff...Help Me Sing It, Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa


2) The Leave me alone types:

The salty peanuts. So salty you feel it right in the back of your jaw. Oh yea...you knows what I bees saying. They have already put in their time and are just waiting until the misery ends. They have seen it all come and go, and then come again. Including their good looks and warm manner. Yea I said it. The spirit of life has been sucked out of them, and helping you in any way is not really part of their agenda. RIP to the salties. They are retired in place... I don't care what you talkin' 'bout baby I don't care what you say...oh what's that?! You got a great idea do ya?! That's great go tell it to someone who gives a shit. Sound familiar? There is an amazing phenomenon I once read about called the Peter Principle. I urge you to read about it. It has changed my work life, because as it turns out I know a saltylicious Peter who has put in many years and just wants to get on top of the desk and sing.... JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...heee heee... anytime I interrupt non-work related situations in that office. I am sorry I should know better than to interrupt coffee talk or your non-urgent family convos. Ain't no mountain that I can't climb baby all is going my way. Yes that is true because management can't fire you. So you are as salty as the ocean and get away with it. Don't You Get In My Way' Cause (There's A Time When You're Right) (And You Know You Must Fight) Who's Laughing Baby - Don't You Know? I guess you...Jesus Cristo I hope I never become a Peter.

3) The Smooth Criminal types:

Ahhh the repugnant serpents. Yea you know them. So nice to your face. Oh is that a new dress?! Looks great on you. All while you talk they are already working on ways to fuck you from midtown to harlem. They are the ones who run into your boss' office to ask about your whereabouts because they are 'so worried about you...' Annie are you okay?! So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal! They are as slimy as the week old cold cuts in the fridge. Ew. And yet nobody in the office seems to notice except you. Unlike the wanna be starting somethings who start trouble blatantly, being cunning and shady is an art form this co-worker treasures. The smooth criminal is endearing and helpful during the honeymoon phase. They gather info, see how you work and then without warning...BAM!!! Before you know it you got fucked, and you didn't even get dinner out of it!!! It is hard to identify who the SC's are right away. I've been fooled myself and can tell you some are truly experts at manipulation. My conclusion has been that usually their life is pathetic and meaningless in ways I can't even fathom.  Although it may take forevs for their true colors to show, eventually they do and the feeling of vindication is amazeballs!

4) The PYT types:

Ahhh the Pretty Young Things that walk around assuming hair twirling and sashaying from side to side will get them promoted. HA! Maybe if you are in HR because let's face it...what else could they possibly use as criteria for evaluation? Just keeping it 100. Where did you come from baby?! And ohhh won't you take me there?! ...Listen PYTs there is no issue with you looking cute. I love clothes and style and am overdressed for work at least 4 out of 5 days. That fifth day is rough!! But the problem lies in your substance solely being your looks.  If you can't actually walk in a pair of shoes, it is probably a good idea NOT to wear them. Specially when I am late for a meeting and I am trying to go around your perky and small BUT molasses ass. I want to love you PYT, you need some loving... actually you need some working PYT!!!! They are distracting for everyone, even for me. It's hard not to stare when they have see thru clothing on...PLEASE LADIES NO WHITE UNDERWEAR UNDER WHITE GARMENTS!!! IT NEEDS TO BE NUDE AND SEAMLESS!!! (You're welcome) ...or even the sashaying can be quite mesmerizing specially around 2PM when my energy is on a downward slope!  The good thing about PYTs is that they won't last long.  They come and go and new batches of hair twirlers take their place.  Pretty Young Things Repeat after me: sing na nana nana.... hey hey hey GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!



5) The Off the Wall types:

These are the best people to work with. When the world is on your shoulders gotta straighten up your act and boogie down. They remind you after a shitty day that this is only a job. There is more to life than the BS that happens at work. Let's not kid ourselves peepos there is BS at every job. But it is the people we meet in the midst of it all, which help us cope. Cause we're the party people night and day. Living crazy that's the only way. They may be a little out there at times, but their intentions are always good. They may be the loud types who always operate on a completely different decibel than the rest of the human race (AHEM! ME!)...you know what MJ says about that don't cha?! You can shout out all you want to...cause there ain't no sin in folks all gettin loud... We discuss with them what we do with our time when we put that 9-5 on the shelf. They are our sounding board before a tough meeting or review. They help us when we need it, and yes we do gossip. The difference is we keep our gossip to ourselves, we don't spread rumors or try to get others in trouble AKA a little something I call decency! Life aint so bad at all...when you are living off the wall...

We spend most of our time at work socializing with the other animals in the zoo. Not all of us can be the fun easy going animals. Awww look at the giraffes! The zoo will always need predators and there will be ones who succumb to the treacherous nature of these very astute animales. For you, my dear reader, I envision a different fate. There is no shame in being fooled, it's what happens in round 2 that matters.  Unfortunetely ignoring the animals doesn't always work. So I say go ahead provoke the animals, feed them if you dare.  Fisty cups up... it's time to take your workplace back.

*** NO PYTs OR ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE WRITING OF THIS POST!

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!