I need love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call...I see I need love. So many people share that sentiment LL (insert lip licking...one more just for good measure) Who could forget our Commander and Chief singing the beloved Al Green classic Let's stay together during a fundraiser a few weeks ago? That's Reverend Green to you bitches! I know I couldn't!! I even blushed a little when I told a friend about it at work!! It was super hot and for all who think the President isn't black enough (yea peeps STILL be saying that) I say why don't you ask former Speaker Newt to sing you some 70's soul. Good luck with that hideous sight. (By the way have you noticed how suddenly everything from insurance to potato chip commercials are using the song?) Even Barry knows the importance a sense of romanticism through the use of music plays in our lives. So in honor of the big V day (not that V you filthy animals!! Jesus this is a legit blog. Ha! Bitch please!) I thought a little romance was in order with of course a little soda music on da sidee...we need love!

Romance runs the gamut when it comes to its meaning, which makes sense since we all interpret it differently. Some would say watching football with their man is romantic. I just threw up all my over myself. That's pathetic. But hey I have only been happily married for almost a decade and have an amazing relationship, but what the effers do I know? Others would say that ONLY elaborate gestures are true romance. I didn't think it was possible but...that's more pathetic than the football. And just to clarify I HEART sports (just not football) and have a grand ol' time going to a tennis match or a yankee game with my boo but I don't classify those outings as romance. For decades we have seen romance play out in hollywood movies in situations that seem to be light years away from real life. In lieu of those grandiose unrealistic moments that don't actually materialize, women settle by forcing regular interaction into the romance category. Real talk. Ladies, mah women, we don't need to pretend a touch down is romantic and we don't need to recreate a Meg Ryan romcom to experience true romance. Remember Sleepless in Seattle?! I heard you on the radio, I love you, let's meet at the Empire State Building. Then years later it was draw me in the nude and I'll never let go Jack. Of course, nobody anticipated how ridic it could REALLY get with Bella and Edward and suddenly the Empire State and a sinking ship (specially after the Italy sitch) seemed more possible than a vampire. In a nation where 2 out of 3 men get down on one knee to propose the only question left to ask is...what the fuck is the third guy thinking?! Unless you are a legit invalid - there is no reason why a man can't take a knee while asking. You do it for your football coach but ya can't do it for your lady?! SERIOUSLY?! Unacceptable. A diamond ring is like kryptonite to women, they will pretty much say yes to anything as long as a sparkler is involved. I have seen many of my friends date (and continue to date) these douchingtons, or as we will describe here as #3. THAT GUY. The moron who won't get on one knee, and makes it that much harder for guy #1 & #2 who are putting forth a genuine effort. And you better believe romance takes work! Did you know that when you french kiss someone you use 34 facials muscles?! How many are there in total?! If Dino is right and you are nobody till somebody loves you then boy are we in trouble!! But really 34...?!

Now just because I don't expect an impromptu pottery class waiting for me when I get home from work, doesn't mean I don't enjoy some cliche romantic moments. We all do. Romcoms are female porn: Kevin Costner embracing Whitney after she runs off the plane (Iffff...Iiiiiii....shoulda stayed...), Heath Ledger singing Can't Take My Eyes Off of You in the bleachers, Adam Sandler on a plane asking via song to grow old together, but today on Valentine's day...(actually any or everyday) I really want to come home to a man (preferably my boo but NOT required) holding a boom box playing In Your Eyes. Honestly, since the times have changed I would even accept an I-phone. So what do all these moments have in common? For me they are my faves because music is involved. Unless you are a psycho like mahself who matches potential situations into entire playlists (I wish I kidding), a Say Anything moment may not always be possible. <Gently weeping> Hit it Old Blue Eyes: I know that music leads the way to romance. I concur.

So let's talk more everyday sensible romance. Aside from being kicked in the balls, the one thing that really REALLY frightens men (even the ones who are in relationships) is hearing "I want more Romance" What the hell does that mean? Peens if you want the ladies to drop it like it's hot you better listen up! Women need romance. There is no way around it. I believe there are three types of everyday romance gents. The first is the what have you done for me lately? type. Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty) tells us for this type of romantic connoisseur neglect is on their mind. Arrogant, and delusional in thinking he is god's gift to this earth, he tries to mascarade his own desires as romantic gestures. My name ain't Keith but I see the way you sweat me. Bitch please. Any statement that starts with "I want to do..." and ends in "wouldn't that be romantic..?" is the polar opposite of romantic. He doesn't do PDA and when you walk together he wants to keep a safe 3 feet distance, just in case an upgrade walks by. Wouldn't want them getting the wrong idea! And god forbid he compliments you EVER. So how can this be a romantic type you ask? Good question smarty pants! Beats me! But apparently 1/3 of women have dated or are currently dating a douche bag such as this type (Cosmo told me that while I was getting my feet did) Caught in a bad romance. Fo reals.

The second type is the love machine (and not the way The Miracles intended it to mean) or more commonly known by my brain as the Casey effect. I have never been an avid Bachelor fan, but I had the unfortunate opporunity to watch it when Ali was looking for love and Casey the psychopath was one of her suitors. The Casey is the bug-a-boo type who is constantly scheming ways to outdo his previous romantic endeavors instead of just being himself. He is the tard who goes and gets a tattoo on a two-week anniversary. I don't know much but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know. And that's the problem with the Casey, he doesn't know much. In fact he doesn't know anything at all! Not even if he actually knows you well enough to love you because he is too busy googling most romantic moments of all time. Barf. That's not real romance! Don't know much about history, don't know much biology. But I do know that I love you. But Casey never gives up, because he thinks this is what fems want. Ali passed and so will we. Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air...oh Casey give it a rest!

The third romance gent is the you look wonderful tonight type. This is one of my all-time favorite romantic songs, not just because it was the one that Chandler chose to propose to Monica with (I miss that show so much), but because it describes a couple living in everyday life. This type of gent may not have 1-800-flowers on speed dial but he knows how to capitalize on everyday moments, even if sometimes he has to remind himself. If the opportunity came he wouldn’t think twice about taking a knee, but he will most likely resort to speaking from his heart rather than some rehearsed romance trickery. In my peepers this is the most delicious type of romance. We forget how special the everyday can be when we are constantly bombarded with fake romance. Real romance to me, is unexpected kisses when you are folding laundry or doing the dishes. We don’t need V-day or an anniversary to express how we feel whether in a serious or silly manner. I am going home where your love has always been enough for me. The best romance can happen at home in your jammies with your soul twinsie. Romance is not just a mandate for the males, females should also be held accountable. It takes two to make a thing go right, it takes two to make it out of sight. Preach! And just in case you are wondering to be an MC is what I choose 'a.  I would say most men can easily be the wonderful tonight type with a little effort and some key listening. As Montell said sometimes you gotta get your groove on before you go get paid. That’s AMORE kids!

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. And what’s wrong with that? I’d like to know…? Sorry Ne-yo but unlike you I am not sick of love songs and I never will be. We need love. I am sick of fake romance. MJ told us it’s all in the way you make me feel. So to all the gentlemen of the world, whether your lady loves music or art or knitting, find a way to make "the everyday" romantic for the both of you. Sometimes all it takes is a simple…Oh my darling you look wonderful tonight…

This week we lost one of the greatest voices of our time. I couldn’t bring myself to write a post about it. Whitney, as a fan, I thank you for the years of amazing music you gave us. I bet the reunion concert in music heaven with Etta, and MJ was amazeballs. I know he sang Hey pretty baby with the high heels on…as you walked in the joint. May you rest in peace, and your legacy continue on through music. "If I should die this very day, don't cry cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay." I will try Whitney. I will try.

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@bitchinbbandit

JAM OF THE WEEK: Every single Whitney Houston song

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Dirrty

If you ain't dirty you ain't here to partyyyyy! I didn't want to have to do this X-tina but you left me no choice. I am not sure what the effers you are doing lately or why you are such a dirrty mess; but given the relentlessness of your outrageous actions you have earned yourself a bitchin bloggin post. Yo that's what's up. Congrats! Ring the alarm and I'm throwing elbows!!

Christina Maria Aguilera (of course her name is Maria! Way to keep stereotypes alive Ecuadorians! At least you threw the "h" in the first name!) stole our hearts as the cute little kid in star search determined to sing her butt off. She sold her young soul to Disney and starred in the infamous Mickey Mouse Club program with the future sweet talkin sugar candy man Justin Timberlake. He's a one stop shop with the real big uhhh... oh JT I am sorry...I wish I could help myself. She faded into adolescence but made her way back during the pop revolution of the 1990's. Move over Brit Brit I gots the abs and THE voice. I am a genie in a bottle baby come come and let me out. I could reenact that entire video (although I'd probably opt for a tunic) because I watched it on an endless repeat loop back in the TRL dayz. She followed up with two more #1 songs from her debut album. What a girl wants is to be on top and to come on over. And she sure was on top. Although constantly compared to the sweet Louisiana girl who sang about being hit one more time, everyone knew she was a voice to be reckoned with. Disney knew it the moment they signed her and continued to capitalize off their investment by featuring Christina in the animated movie Mulan. When will my reflection shine who I am inside... oh don't worry! You are about to go from Christina to X-tina!

After the success of her debut album the sky was the limit for the platinum blonde. She released a spanish album, which is like a right of passage for anyone who can be marketed as latin artist. Although CA is half Ecuadorian the Irish half is clearly the dominant gene. The mayor of Connecticut is at this very moment wondering if she eats Tacos...or is that just a Mexican thing? She gave us a Navidad album which received a decent showing of commercial success, proving to anyone who still doubted her voice that she was fo reals. Apparently the EcuIrish diva was displeased with her image and began a transformation as she promoted her 4th studio album: Stripped. Apparently not just the sky was the limit but also no low-rise leather pant was excluded from this catapult to the top. Assless chaps were never the same after X-tina got thru with them!! Ahhh yea it's time to talk about the infamous dirrty video. Poor Redman he must have been desperate for a little cash flow. Too dirrty to clean my act up. The close ups of their mouths on the video tell you just how dirrty it's about to get. Note the double R. Shit is legit. Except the video was such an obvious ploy to over-sexualize her image to sell more records "express her sexuality" which is totally fine if it is in addition to a concept - not in place of one. She got sweaty and dirrty and then showered and booty popped. El fin. Right? Nope!

Stripped was more than just dirrty dreads and cheeks mcgee for X. She followed with the brilliantly written and emotional Beautiful. Smart. Such a great melody with a power message: You are beautiful no matter what they say! Thanks X! I think so too! Suck it haters! The simplicity of her role in the video helps put into focus the social struggles of gays, anorexics, kids who are bullied, a guy I am convinced was my tennis teacher (as the cross dresser) and people with disproportionately large heads! Talking to you Christina! Those close-ups make your head look ginormous! But here is the good news: Words can't bring you down. So I won't bring you down today. And you fuckin nailed it with that voice. But the calm and toned down Christina was only in strippedville for a short stay. Enter Fighter.

I truly wished you had saved the whole boxing thing for Fighter. But that's neither here nor there. When I racked my brain to remember this video I couldn't. Then I watched it and realized why! It sucks!! It's a (badly executed) goth version of the moth becoming a butterfly. (But kudos to you for sporting Gaga like make-up and weirdness in 2002 BEFORE she even existed in the music world) As a lifetime Lostie (if you have never seen LOST please note that I frown heavily upon this. It is single handedly the best television drama ever. The End.) the scene where Locke explains to Charlie that helping the moth by cutting its cocoon, will in the end hurt it. Depriving the moth of the struggle will hinder it in its survival once in nature. (It's on hulu! Watch it!!) Similarly as humans we are constantly told "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I hate when people say that to me, even though it is absolutely 100% the truth. The first time I heard fighter I decided that was my new way to verbalize the aforementioned. The spoken part at the beginning is delivered with such delicious restraint that for a maniac like me makes me want to immediately emulate. How could this man I thought I knew turn out to be unjust so cruel. The listener is told that some peen wronged our dear X, but since that doesn't apply to me; I will tell you about the times I rolled my windows down and drove on the southern state parkway letting out my anger on my steering wheel "singing" at the top of my lungs to this liberating anthem. (I am pretty sure I never came close to reaching that high C. Or the low one actually!) For the bitches who sabotaged me at work: Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know Just how capable I am to pull through. For all the "friends" who were never really my friends and used me: Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game. For the cunt of a boss who made me clean up her vomit: Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down. Because of you X-tina and this faboosh song I feel empowered. So I want to say thank you cause... SING IT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!! Made my skin a little bit thicker. Thanks for making me a fighter.

The last and final stop on the Stripped express (at least for us) is Can't hold us down. Strong girl power lyrics like call me a bitch cause I speak what's on my mind make me like the song but the video was such a rip off of something I have seen before... J.Lo and Nas circa 2001. Common X-tina!! You were doing so well! After all is said and done though Stripped has sold over 13 million copies worldwide and earned X a grammy. I had the privilege of seeing her and Mr. Candyman during their Justified/Stripped tour and if there is ever a reason to forgive Ms. Aguilera's social mishaps it is the goosies I got when I heard her do beautiful live. This album is without a doubt her best work.

In 2006 Christina released Back to Basics and in 2010 Bionic. I loved the pin-up look for candyman and the song Keeps getting better. But that is really about it on those 2 albums. Burlesque, a movie I presume nobody actually watched (except for Glitter fans) with Cher, was also released in 2010 featuring our diva. She was relevant but it wasn't because of her music, instead her divorce and weight gain were the topic of discussion. She became the true definition of a hot mess.

In 2011 The Voice reminded us why she truly is one of the best vocalists of our time. Even if her appearance and behavior say otherwise. All the great singers who audition always pick her as their coach, there is a reason why: she knows her shit and the bitch can really SING. Look, I don't care about the weight gain; X-tina you are a beautiful bootylicious woman, but would wearing spanx and clothes that fit be THAT bad? I know first hand what carrying around some extra lbs feels like, but I am not wearing clothes from 1995 and sporting the muffin top look. Your fashion decisions are not flattering to your figure, your hair is frizzy ratty and oily, and you need to start getting professional spray tans. The good news is that these things can all be fixed and (GASP!) even prevented! After the media brouhaha brought upon by the "self-tanner" incident, many came to your defense to say "cut her some slack". But I won't do that. I refuse to cut you slack. Why?! Because I reserve "cutting slack" for tards like LiLo, Snooks and the Kardashians who have no discernible talent to speak of. No slack for you! You have been nominated for 17 grammys and won 4! Rolling Stone ranked you #58 among the top singers of all time!! Act like you somebody boo. Because you are!! If a pee-on like me can go to a tanning salon, have a variety of spanx to fit any occasion, get weekly manis AND wash my greasy hair so can you Christina Maria Aguilera!! Your music is deeply rooted in empowering women, it is time you walked your talk again. I hear you may be doing a collabo with Princess RiRi. I am pumped and look forward to more of that in 2012! But in the end you'll see you won't stop me. I am a fighter, I ain't gonna stop. There is no turning back. Go get 'em X-tina.

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@bitchinbbandit

JAM OF THE WEEK: Fighter - Christina Aguilera

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!