Southern Hospitality

Frickles, sweet tea, NeNe Leaks, back porches, ribs, bbq, corn bread, Matthew McConaughey, green beans, unlocked doors, moonshine, gators, football, and of course top notch southern rock. Those are the things that make the south the great place it is. This here yankee smickity smack talked southerners for many moons before my tune changed. It really does take one to know one. I spent last week on vacation in FLO-RIDA...getting acquainted with my southern side (I think that was the longest I've gone without cursing...and then I ruined it. (Don't judge me. You know it's hard out here for a pimp!) and I may have been spotted saying Y'all.... GASP! EW! Please don't tell anyone.

 
Country roads take me home to the place I belong...west virginia...mountain momma...take me home...country roads... I never get tired of seeing the abundance of greenery, lizards, John Denver, places to eat wings, and the spanish moss the southland offers. The famous easy laid-back lifestyle, that is so starkly different from my everyday: black dresses and blazers and an equally dark expression of anxiety/stress stamped on my face. People have told me when they see me in the street I look like I am gonna cut a bitch. Yes I did yes I did somebody please tell 'em who the F I is. Unfortunately that's just my standard commuting face. Sweet home Alabama life is not one I am accustomed to...There is so much that us yankees find hard to understand, for example: do we have to say hello to EVERYONE?! Can't we just keep walking and avoid eye-contact? Now you know I am NOT a shyster type of biotch but sometimes I just don't feel like saying hello to random peepos. Another stumper: Just how expensive is the dentist there? No seriously... Is ESPN the only channel on cable? What channel is Bravo on? What do you mean you don't know what the Real Housewives show is?! Why is Walmart your mall? How come you don't lock your doors? Why are you so trusting of people? But I quickly realized I don't NEED to know the answers to any of these questions. Seriously. Por que Maria Garcia?! Well because it turns out country folk don't understand why I am not friendly to all we meet, why my teeth look like Whitney Houston's, (turns out me and the Whitters used the same lab for our veneers. True story.) why I don't ♥ football, why I buy TB flats and shop at stores where the name is so weird (why do they call themselves Madewell? Why would I think the clothes are NOT made well? - by far one of the most amusing conversations I've had in a long time) Both sides may not fully understand each other, but the difference between the southern noids and myself is that they don't judge me for what they don't understand and the way I are.

  

Life is old there. Older than the trees. The southern culture is deeply rooted in tradition. People cherish the passage of time and look for ways to incorporate their ♥ of sports (mostly football), music and back porchin into their everyday lives. There is nothing that a little sunshine, firefly or if you are hard core (one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer) and some Lynyrd can't cure. Face time is above calls, texting, emails, and certainly fb status updates. You know what I say about that? MER...okay fine...It is kind of nice to have a real conversation. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how Patriotism is always in season the same way a pretzel is in the NYC. An unexpected tender moment came when my babes and I were preparing our secret weapon dish for the thanksgiving feast. We persuaded one of the guests to sneak a taste as we cooked it because we were sure it was a home run (as you can see modesty runs in our family) He looked at my baby and said "If it's made by a veteran, it is good enough for me." I will never forget that. It kicked my yankee ass. I had to immediately retort with sarcasm (it's all I know!) to prevent my emotions from reaching DEF-CON 5. (Last time I was that choked up was when Danity Kane announced their split. Very dark day. Damaged. I thought that I should let you know. My heart is damaged).Military service and devotion to our country is highly regarded there. As it should be. Everywhere. All the time. (But you my smart and caring reader ALREADY know that.)

  

Southerners are not only proud to be Americans (where at least I know I am free), they are proud to be southern Americans. History and it's twists and turns have helped the south develop a micro-culture with its own distinct traditions. Look at how diverse Louisiana is. Good thing TJ had the good sense to snatch that gem! Another southern trademark is their dialect: before you see a southerner, you hear their accent. Unless they smile. (I kid. Yes...I know I am going to hell. Bring the tanning lotion bitches!) Then there is of course, the food sitch. Southerners have a saying which I think sums up their cuisine perfectly: If it ain't fried it ain't cooked. Soul food is mah kind of food. Finger lickin good. Say it wit me. And if you were thinking yea but are those tards smart? I will remind you that great minds like Mark Twain, Edgar Allan Poe, Harper Lee and Channing Tatum call this eclectic region home. Lastly, la musica. Ya tu sabes!! (I am sorry I just find it REALLY difficult to omit Pitbull from my posts.) From the days of slaves asking the sweet chariot to swing low to FLO-RIDA's shawty who got low low low...music in the south has been birthed, grown, killed and re-conceived over and over again in a way no other region domestic or otherwise has done. In my humble opinion anyway. Bluegrass, country, southern gospel, blues, jazz and rock and roll started in the south. Voices like Fats Domino, Little Richard, Elvis, James Brown, Otis Redding were passing around the grits, sipping whiskey out the bottle not thinking 'bout tomorrow in between creating great music. Later in the 1970's came The Allman Bros, Lynyrd, ZZ Top & Hank Williams. Oh Hank, before you were proclaiming our Obama a Nazi, you crooned If they don't have a Grand Ole Opry, like they do in Tennessee...Just send me to Hell or New York City, it'd be about the same to me. Ouch boo. That shiz hurts. In the past decade we have seen the emergence of the Dirty South rappers who again reinvented southern music. One post could NEVER do southern music justice. So I won't attempt it. Instead Let me see you get low. You scared you scared. Drop that ass to the floor. You scared.

Southern Hospitality is not just Luda's 2000 hit which forced me to endlessly drop bows on mofo's all day eerrrday. It is not just a delicious grub joint on the upper east side.... It is legit. Too legit too quit. The definitive trait, second to amazeballs music that southerners can claim. They open their doors and hearts to any and everyone from the ATL to the 305. I resisted their charming and inviting ways with sarcasm and judgement but eventually my yankee swag lost a well fought battle. I was completely intoxicated with the laissez faire attitude I kind of.... Um.... considered what it would be like to live there! SAYYYY WHATTTT?!?! Now that we found love {FLO-RIDA} what are we gonna do with it? (RIP Heavy. I hope you are feeling hunky dory with the SBJ) Calm down...I don't mean move NOW or FOREVER but it would be nice to frequent a place where trouble melts like lemon drops, tanks and shorts is considered your sunday best and ribs and wings are within walking distance no matter where in the state you are. But fortunately NY is not just a tan that you'll never lose. I carry my NY with me always, and while I have no plans to relocate anytime soon, I think it is time we give the south the props it deserves. To honor them I am gonna peace out butter scouts and go drop some bows!!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Southern Hospitality - Ludacris 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

 

 

Turkey for me and Turkey for you

The most precious time of the year is upon us and I for one couldn't be more excited! Before the sweet baby jesus graces our shitty world with his luminous presence we eat turkey every which way, shop right up to the limit on our credit cards and sing to Wam's "last christmas" (I will argue until I die, this is the best the x-mas song of all time. Yup Nat King Cole can suck it!!) That's right I am talking about the most american tradition of all: Thanksgiving. The day where we stand up and say..."I am tired of you commenting on my lumpy potatoes. Next year make them yourself!!!" Oh wait you don't say that.... perhaps you say..."No I don't have a sudden disease...I am just chubbs but thanks for bring THAT up again...." Am I getting closer...? This day was designed to remind us how lucky we are (chubbs or not) and I would like to share the 5 things I am most thankful for this year with you!!!

5) Butter
Paula Dean my idol, and her no-holds-barred-add-a-little-more-butter...nope-a-little-more-delicious-salty-and-holy-shit-why-is-it-so-delish? butter mentality. I am not a kitchen connoisseur of any kind; sometimes I find things in my cupboards I didn't even know I had (that should tell you something) but I've mastered a few dishes in mah time. I can tell you with absolute certainty that everything tastes better with a little extra butter. And by extra I don't mean a pinch. In true MC style, extra means put in what you normal humanoids think it's extra and just when you think "wow's that's a lot of butter.." that's when you know it is time to add a little more. E-X-T-R-A!!! Like the perfect accessory to an outfit, butter can bring average dishes to a new yummylicous culinary level. But at turkey time I find myself reaching for that delicious Kerry's Gold Irish salted butter (Probably one of the only good things to come out of that place...okay fine.... <*MER>...and U2!! ) again and again. I don't see the reason to EVEN have grits other than to eat a huge slop of butter to go along with it. I love all kinds of butter, salted, unsalted, whipped, churned, you name it and I am happily spreading it. So what if it's bad for my health? I am sure the brazilian blow out hair treatment, the hair dye, the gel nail polish, the hair spray, the tanning can't be good for my health either but honestly I won't live my life deprived of butter or smooth shiny straight hair. Just thinking about it makes me start to hyperventilate... When you are down and life isn't treating you so great or if in doubt...do as Paula and I and add a little more butter....

*** MER = Major Eye Roll

Really KIM K?!? THAT DOUCHE?!?!

4) Lamar Odem 

So what that I had no clue who this dude was until he married the best Kard bitch of all! Well maybe only second to Bruce. (Have you guys seen his ear accessories!? Bru please you are embarrassing yourself! Remember when you were an olympic athlete?! Nope me either! Take those studs off and get your manhood back boo.) Like most of you, the Kardashians raped my eyes and ears with their ridiculous and frivolous arguments, endless product endorsements, photo shoots, wrestling matches, ass shots, and mounds and mounds of beautifully adorned Louboutins (so jelly!). I don't know how it happened but I don't remember life before the preppiest dressed baby on television was crying about something: Scott Dissek. Ha! You thought I was gonna say Mason. Silly wabbit!! I never actually know when the show airs, but I do know every time I turn on E! they are taking Miami (I'm in Miami Trick!!!) or New York or my dignity...whatevs. The other day I was watching it and realized Lamar is my CANDY MAN!! (apparently this is his nickname on the court) I am so thankful he is around because he seems to be the only normal one and the one Kard tard who actually earns his living as a versatile basketball player. Sorry Kimmie marrying the first peen in track pants (is that all he ever wears? There isn't even an NBA season right now!) to have a lower IQ than you is NOT earning a living! Us regular bitches marry for free! Next life I am going to do it right and marry some rich old fuck. Robert Deniro was right...the working man is a sucka. So Lamar I am thankful that you make the inevitable more bearable. You got a piece of me and honestly...My life would suck without you.

 3) Bruno Mars
I have very conflicting feelings when it comes to my marsi poo. When I see your face there's a few things not a thing that I would change...Let's call a spade a spade peeps....the kid is fugly. But man oh man THAT voice. I always forget how unattractive he is until I see him in person because his voice is so powerful and soulful. Like Adele, when you hear a BM song you feels that shiz. For most women the need for strong markings in the hotness department diminishes the more involved we get. I mean this dude is gonna catch a grenade for ya! I am not exactly sure what circumstances would warrant for the below scenarios to occur.... ie: why are people throwing a grenade at me that you have to catch it?! Have the zombies taken over and food supplies are low causing #22 Shane the man to try and kill us....hmmm...Shane (if you are not watching The Walking Dead...you SHOULD be!).....Why would you throw your hand on a blade?! Don't you remember machinery safety from Tech Class Bruno?!! Jump in front of a train?! NO dude! That shit is happening errrday on the LIRR...I need that to STOP happening! If you want to kill yourself can't you find a more sensible way and hour to do it in? Perhaps the comfort of your own bathtub in the middle of the night?! I am not saying...I am just saying...take a bullet straight thru my brain....If my body was on fire....again, I ask why to both of these....but look Bru the truth is even though I am actually taller than you, I adore you. Cause you're amazing just the way you are. Your debut album has been on constant replay this entire year and if it wasn't for you telling me: today I don't feel like doing anything...is it the dancing juice? Who cares baby! I think I want to marry you! I am not sure I would make it thru some of those excel spreadsheets I stare at alllllllllll day. For this I am thankful to have you on my ipod. Of course your best song to date is your current hit "It will rain" No religion that can save me from being obsessed with that song. Well done my shortie. That song is utter perfection. Looks will fade but your beautiful voice won't. Stay away from those fuckin grenades will you?!

Please SBJ tell me the third thing before these peeps figure out I am a total fuck tard!!

2) Rick Perry (but really all Republican presidential candidates)
I was struggling for a long while to get into the 2012 election hoopla. Not just because you know it is an entire year away, but I just had not found anything specially on the GOP side, to hold my interest. Most people will remember an important day for years and years right down to the tiniest detail. The day they graduated college, the first day at their first real job, the day their child was born. For me it was a particularly difficult day: coffee had spilled on my shirt almost immediately after I left for work causing me to rearrange my fashion scheme for the day, a couple of hours later I got a stupid paper cut right on my knuckle. But then the day completely turned when I read on CNN.com that Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house. Fo realsies?! I remember this moment like it was yesterday. I was looking for a Sexy Sarah in the haystack...and there just wasn't one to be found. But then Rick Perry came and swooped in with his texas-if-you-don't-like-me-tough-shit attitude (so hot!), his gun (hotter!) and an equally distinguishable "I'm sexy and I know it mofos" grin (Yosemite Sam super hot hotness!!). If you haven't seen the youtube video when he calls some reporter a mofo and of course the now infamous "three things...but I can only remember two..." you just don't know what you are missing. Between Herman the pizza guy groping some bitches (if he had just admitted that from the get-go it wouldn't have mattered to anyone) and taking the longest pause of all time to answer a single question about Libya, Michelle Bachman's crazy eyes, I got plenty to keep me entertained at least until Iowa...then I am hoping all hell will break loose!! After all everything is bigger in Texas Iowa. So thank you sexy slick Rick for making your way into my life and for the laughs. I think of you every night and day. You took my heart and you took my pride away. I hate myself for loving you. Can't break free from the things that you do.

 

1) my dearest and dedicated reader - DUH YOU!!

I just know you bitches lovesss to read this blog! I want to tell you how much I love having a creative way to express myself and write it for you. I am thankful that each and everyone of you take the time to read about the crazy and ridic things I have to say and share it with your friends on facebook. To know me is to know I am a maniac, but to love me is to accept me as a maniac and let it entertain you using my favorite thing in the world...MUSIC!
I hope to continue to bring you interesting, creative and fun blogs for your reading pleasure. Have a great thanksgiving!!!! I love you all bitches!!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Joan Jett - I hate myself for loving you

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Vienna waits for you...

There I was in the harsh light of my bathroom...is that...? Nooooo it can't be. OMG (GASP!) there's another one! Aughhhhh how could this be happening to me?! I am too young! I haven't even turned 30 yet! WTF fo reals....Should I do it?! I thought about it for a moment...could what people say really be true? Ahhh fuck it, I am just gonna do it. Phew! That was painless. And I held it up against the cruel reality of the light, just to be sure it wasn't one of my blonde highlights. Nope. It was a gray. Hair. Sweet baby J it hurts to even type it... I've had enough this is my prayer that I'll die living just as free as my hair. This is my prayer, I swear I am as free as my hair. I am my hair. I stayed in there like a psycho and after counting 7 more I almost shed a tear. Okay they were croc tears but still...I won't ever look as good as Anderson. Ever. My beloved gray fox!

 Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Shawty...It's your birfday...we gonna partay like it's your birfday...and you know we don't give a fuck cause that's your birfday! As most of you know a certain someone just celebrated a birfday. Ewww it's me. Yup the big 28. Some of you who read this blog (thank you friends for sharing on facebook! Keep it up!) and don't know me personally would've sworn based on my acronym preferred language and endless "whatevs" that I was 12. Nope. A full blown adult. Suck it conformity and full sentences. I want to die before I get old. Talkin 'bout my generation Preach Roger. Who wants to be senile and fugly?! Not me. No diggity no doubt. Aging to me is a slow road to being alone and useless. That sounds harsh but it is MC talk. Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die... Clearly The Flaming Lips agree with MC talk. I hate the idea of sitting in a nursing home trying to remember the best moments of my life. Or how once upon a time I wouldn't randomly drool while speaking. Okay wait...that's not a great example...since that sometimes happens. Don't judge me. You feels me though right? I will midnight it on a train to Georgia before I let that shiz happen. Going back to a simpler place and time.

I think I am going to need more cream

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we wouldn't have to wait so long... I distinctly remember being younger and bored in my room dreaming of the days I'd be older and super cool. In my day dreams I was always filthy rich and disgustingly skinny (oh maria you really should eat something...I know I just can't it is soooo hard), and I assure you there were no gray hairs. What I should have been doing was saving for all the anti-aging products I would be using... I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger.  Even though Rod warned me I didn't listen. What is it about youth that makes us feel as if we are on top of the world? Invincible? Our society is not kind to high human numbers so in turn we want to remain young for as long as we can. This is a touchy subject between my hair dresser and I. Tony Bolony pulls my hair a little harder every time he hears me bitch about how old I am. To a man nearing 60 this sounds like someone needs a beat down with the blow dryer.  (Other than the self-inflicted blow dryer abuse he is an amazing hair god!! Salone De Belleze, East Islip 631-581-9247) Forever young...I wanna be forever young... But it is not my fault! Music has been obsessed with songs about aging since way back in the dark days when Tony lived. I was only able to highlight a few here, but the sheer volume of songs about aging is quite surprising. I have been conditioned to think this way.

When I am not complaining about my back hurting after I bring the groceries in, or my lack of desire to drive at night...I do think about the benefits of getting older. Jigga man says it best "I don't got the bright watch I got the RIGHT watch. I use to let my pants sag, not givin' a fuck now I got black cards, good credit and such...bae boy, cause I'm all grown up" I don't have to scheme up ways to work alcohol into my social life, I qualify for the "commuter special" at the bagel store, I get to watch R-rated movies whenever I want, and I give salty dirty looks to those annoying kids who are always playing in front of my driveway when I come home from work. Why do they have to run in front of the car as I creep up...WHY!?!?  All pluses fo shizzle. Obviously maturity is the biggest benefit coupled with realizing the things that actually matter in life: facebook newsfeed, reading my US weekly, manicures making the most of this random, ridoncolous life.

 

I AM NOT DONE WITH THE FIRST COURSE BITCH!

This point in my life resembles a certain restaurant experience that I believe we are all familiar with. There you are, you look great in your new heels and your make-up is MAJ. I die for it. You get seated at a great table and have just been informed they are serving a 5 course dinner for the price of regular dining. Ahhhhmazeballs. The first course is so delicious you can hardly believe it. The flavors explode in your mouth and you wish you could just eat this all night. There is so much food and just as you are reaching for one more glorious mouthful, the cute waiter comes over and takes it from you as the second course is coming any second now. That's what aging feels like to me. I am trying to get as much of course 1 as I can before course 2 comes and I've wasted such good food (aka life). Of course I know course 2 is gonna be epic and course 1 will pale in comparison. But I am one of those people who craves total and utter control. I want to go into the kitchen make the courses and then sample them in the order and quantity that I see fit. Nice try says life. Get back to your table!!

Slow down you crazy child...you're so ambitious for a juvenile. Where's the fire?! What's the hurry about? Billy Joel always influenced my school of thought but no song spoke to me the way Vienna seemed to then...and still does today. (You may have also seen it in the forgettable but fun Jennifer Gardner movie 13 going 30...talk about lame montage...who am I kidding I fuckin love it!) As a young adult wondering why I couldn't be in the 15 clubs I wanted to be in, his words of not growing up so fast went unappreciated by my over ambitious sassy ears. I look back and shake my head every time I see that picture of me in the Robotics club. I mean really?! What kind of shiz is that?!?! In typical Billy Joel form, his intimate and relatable lyrics accompanied by a disgustingly perfect melody make this song an anthem for weirdos like me who want to complete as much of the race upfront just in case I can't make up my time later. In 8th grade Mr. Wolgalter (holla my oregon middle school peeps!) my chorus teacher, taught me the song for my NYSSMA audition, you know, in my spare time between tennis, mock trial and drama. NERD ALERT!! From Billy's 1977 phenom album The Stranger, Vienna is a song about chillaxing and taking the time to enjoy life, while accepting that aging is not only normal but necessary. (Mr. W was trying to tell me something!) Billy found the inspiration as a surprise while on a stroll with his father in Austria were he saw an elderly woman sweeping the street. What a terrible way to spend your golden years!!! Talk about senior citizen abuse! Not so much said Mr. Billy Joel Senior; the city of Vienna allows its elder population to be productive members of society. Listen peepos gonna keep it reals with you: I can't fathom the thought of sweeping the street now as a partial PYT, let alone when I am all diapered up and cursing under my breath to nobody in particular. But you see that sneaky snickerson Billy uses Vienna as a metaphor for life. When will you realize...Vienna waits for you... Our "vienna" is waiting for us and when we are ready our landing will be flawless and seamless.

It was bittersweet to wake up on that beautiful sunny saturday and find those grays, the slight formation of wrinkles around my eyes and the realization that my body woke up feeling as though an 18 wheeler had ran over it. It was after all my day of birth..shouldn't it feel more exciting and riveting? The truth is that as difficult as it is to witness the physical changes of aging...I was excited and riveted. (But only after I exfoliated and put on more eye cream - I am a woman after all!) I thought about it and technically I started aging when I was born. We have been aging this entire time, but as the effects become more pronounced (I don't give the finger or stick out my tongue when I see bitches fall...AS MUCH as I used to..) we tend to look back more in nostalgia than forward. The stages and the time to complete them will vary for each of us. But you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old. Let's get what we want AND get old!! Buckle up bitches and see ya in Vienna!!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Vienna - Billy Joel

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Here's to the crazy ones

 It's gonna be the longest winter without you. I won't know where to turn to. See somehow I can't forget you, after all we've been through.... I had another blog almost completely finished for this week, but I couldn't NOT write about the man who single-handedly helped me personally develop and foster my love for music. This week we will briefly (because no post could ever do my admiration for Mr. Jobs justice) discuss the impact that his genius had on my life and the rest of the world.

Yea, this post is dedicated to all the teachers who told Steve Jobs he would never amount to nothing. And all the techies in the struggle. You know what I am saying. It's all good baby baby. It was all dream... Oh but what a great one it was. A teenager who decided his life path in the back of a garage. The only thing I ever did in a garage was...well let's not go there. After traveling through the path exactly as he wanted to, he excelled in his 56 years on earth in ways others could only imagine. Nope, not true. He was so sickeningly amazing people couldn't actually imagine it. But he did.The music library that currently resides in my pocket reminds me of the dark days of Cd's and how much I treasure the ability to retrieve any song within a few seconds. It also connects me to the man behind it all, and I feel sad at the thought of not getting to live through another one of his babies that would be the hottest gift for future Christmases. Standing in line for an apple product in the bitter cold morning hours of a black Friday will never be the same.

I have mentioned more than once how much my ipod means to me. I am currently on my 3rd one and even though it is on its last leg I can't seem to bring myself to get a new one. Actually Beatles songs sound so much better when they are skipping. No they don't. Steve just let a big "oh for the love of itunes, get a new one!" somewhere in software heaven. But like a perfectly worn in college t-shirt, or your favorite pair of socks, it has become a fiber of my personal fabric as a human being. My first ipod was the disarmingly cute pink metallic mini - first generation in 2002. Duh of course it was pink. Remember those bright neon commercials with the insane dancing?...Wow! Apple is talking to me!! This shit is Bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Thanks Gwen now I always remember how to spell it. This campaign demonstrated marketing & advertising that was so purely delicious it made Don Draper and the crew shutter a bit. Suck it Ogilvy. As result of their success, the commercials put JET and The Ting Tings on the map. In my early days at the Gap we'd recreate the commercial in the store when the song came on...specially that cough at the beginning...Big black boots, long brown hair, she's so sweet with the get back stare... my old manager Brianna just shook her head in disapproval! I still stand behind the fact that the customers loved it. Interestingly enough, I was rewarded for my booty shaking as I won a store contest and got a gray mini. I was naive in those days and gave it to my boo. He still has it, but if this happened today I would just have 2 ipods, which to me, makes perfect sense.

My beauteous Pinkie and I lived through many adventures and heard amazing music together for the first time. I discovered The Doors, Dylan, Muddy Waters, and countless other legends as this god-like device helped me access music in a way I never could before. Me & Pinks tolerated Compact Discs as a means to build up our library but really we couldn't wait to be one with our songs and dump their pathetic asses. Eventually I outgrew the memory and upgraded to a classic in black. I held onto Pink for a year before I finally found a new home for it. 

I was too young to experience the Macintosh revolution of the 1980's, but I remember an entire lecture in my advertising class structured around Apple and it's infinite power to innovate. Correction: Steve Jobs' infinite power to innovate by making people do whatever it took to fulfill his vision, often exceeding even their own expectations. Prof. Lev, gave me the greatest gift in that 3 hour lecture any educator has ever given me: Foresight and inspiration. She told us any one of us could be titans in any industry we wanted. At first, I almost spit out my latte, because a quick glance around the room told me otherwise. First of all, it was a Saturday class at FIT, which meant you were either a first class nerd and the chance of missing a learning opportunity just because it was the weekend was unfathomable; or you were the bartender, waitress or stripper who was desperately trying to continue their education and this was the only time they could go (even though they slept through most of it)...and there was me: The miserable full time student who was never told the class was needed until the last semester and was already taking 5 evening classes after work....thanks FIT...you rule!!! It was highly unlikely that the 8 students in this pitiful class could be titans of anything other than mediocrity or perhaps stripping. (I swear that one girl was a stripper. I don't see justification otherwise to wear what she wore to a 1PM Saturday class, unless she was pulling a pussy double. Which hey...it is not for me to judge.) Prof. Lev saw the skepticism or actually lack of any relevant sign of life (except maybe my smirk at her comment) and she showed us the infamous 2005 SJ commencement speech. I think I held my breath during a few parts. I loved her enthusiasm in seeing our response and even Candy (I called her that in my mind because that seemed like an appropriate stripper name) perked up. Holy shit! I could be a titan!!! This is one of reasons I love that you, my dear reader, give me the chance to do this blog: I get to relive moments in my life that at first glance seem trivial or just fillers of time, but some, like this one, in fact have shaped my future and I didn't even know it! Prof. Lev told us that Steve didn't have to over pay for a fancy education because he had keen instincts. He knew his most effective weapon in the Jobs arsenal was his recognition of power in the unforeseen, beauty in the uninvented, need in the non-existent, and relentless affinity for absolute perfection no matter what it took. He also had that killer smirk, he knew he was onto something while the rest of us imbeciles where struggling to take in oxygen and walk at the same time.

Steve Jobs it turns out was a master at the same thing Missy Elliot mastered: Working it. He didn't invent actual products. He invented reinvention itself. He put his thing down flipped it and reversed it. The mac was a better PC, the ipod was a superior walkman, pixar was walt disney but on crack, and the iphone well, it left the rest of the phones looking like the ones that come with candy... including my beloved crackberry. Work it. I need a glass of water. Boy oh boy it's good to know ya. Steve Jobs said yes we can before Barack was a household name. He wasn't known for his people skills...My baby he don't talk sweet, he ain't got much to say. And maybe he don't dress fine, but I don't really mind... But his bed side manner and his choice of wardrobe were completely irrelevant when you witnessed the awe of his genius. He has inspired me and countless others to never apologize for the psychos we are and to dream ambitiously as if tomorrow might not come. He is right, it might not. He eloquently reminded us through his own struggle that our mortality can be a catalyst for achievement and accomplishment. As I would say no reason not to go balls out all the time. He will be remembered, in my opinion, above everything for changing the way we use technology in our lives, and for the tenacity it took to make us see just that. He was a dreamer of epic proportions who dreamt for all of us. Thank you Steve Jobs, you will be missed. Let's hear it for the boy.

JAM OF THE WEEK: Work it - Missy Elliot

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Clarity

"One secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes"

Opportunity sometimes stares us down begging to be taken advantage of and other times it simply passes us by in the blink of an eye. The hardest part about seizing opportunities is recognizing when the right time to step out of our comfort zone is, and then embracing it 100%. Recently I asked myself how am I supposed to know if this is what I am meant to go after? Is this the right time? Can someone give me a sign?! The truth is we don't really know.

 

The word opportunity inherently implies an advantage of some sort and it can happen on a first date (is this my chance to kiss her?), on the road while we drive (I better speed up now to get past this old lady) at the supermarket (well if it is cheaper to buy five I might as well grab it now while it is on sale) and the most important place: (at least to me) at work. Unlike the former examples where you can eventually kiss the girl (and liked it), pass miss daisy a couple of miles later, and go back to the super market for more tooth brushes if you run out, opportunity at the workplace may seem hard to come by and with finality in our mind we act cray. What if I don't get an opportunity like this again? What if this is it?!

Let's go back about two months ago. There I was...going about my life (shots shots shots shots....e'rday I am shuffling... Oh sorry I enjoyed the summer wayyy too much) when a work opportunity seemed to materialize out of nothing right before my eyes. My first reaction, as I believe it is for most people, was fear. I worry, I weigh three times my body I worry, I throw my fear around....I don't know....if I am ready to go down that road, do I really want to rock the boat right now? The first thing I did was make a list of why I shouldn't go after this opportunity. Assessing all of the things I would lose. Do I sail through? Or drop my anchor down? Then I went thru what I call the counseling period. I went to those I trust and asked for advice and opinions. Of course I had no intention of listening to any of it, because deep in my gut I already knew what to do...it just hadn't made its way up to my brain yet. I wrestled with my thoughts for about 3 days and in a split second a moment of clarity came to me. There's a calm I can't explain...by the time I recognize this moment...this moment will be gone...Why NOT do it?
 


Phew! At least I don't sweat as much as that grease monkey Maria

Before I knew it that moment of clarity set a whole chain of events in motion. Difficult and awkward conversations had to be had "it's not you it is me"...I know I have what it takes to do this....and within a week, I was sitting in front of opportunity in the form of a beautiful, powerful and fashionable female. This is it I thought. Again always with that feeling of finality that plagues me constantly. It's always 'enjoy today because you don't know what tomorrow will bring'. Well how can I do that if we are constantly told there might not be a tomorrow. I felt like a whore in church, sweating uncontrollably...down my spine under my spanx one drop at a time. Awesomeness. I was praying to the sweet baby Jesus for my t-zone to stay oil free. Remember don't use your hands too much. Is that her real hair color or are those artfully deceiving well placed highlights? FOCUS. And so it began...my chance to square off with opportunity. Turns out in that hour I learned one of the biggest lessons of my entire life and I want to share it with you.

In school we got progress reports sent to our parents. I don't know about you but mine always went a little something like this: Talks to much in class. My stupid mouth has gotten me in trouble Yup, that about sums it up. At work we have reviews. For some of us, those reviews impact our bonus which we tend to virtually spend before we EVEN know how much we are getting. My favorite time of the year only slightly behind black friday. Momma needs a new pair of TB flats! In life we just get thrown in without any periodic guidance. Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict less life....Am I living it right?! Should I marry this person?! Give it a try see how it goes! Should I do drugs? Eh why not! Should I join the military? Sure what's the worst that can happen? How come we don't get life touch bases? Life reviews? Progress Reports? How are we supposed to know if we are on right track or the wrong one? How can we be absolutely sure that the decisions we make are the right ones?! After all living the most fruitful life with the least strife is our bonus in life right? The answer may surprise you: John Mayer songs Opportunity.

Yes peeps, opportunity is our compass when navigating through the yes, hell no's and maybe's of life. Unfortunately we are conditioned to think that an opportunity always leads to a positive (mostly tangible) outcome. Case in point I thought this was a good opportunity because it would lead to a new and better job. Reality check: 5 minutes into hearing about the position I knew with definitive certainty that while I was a perfect fit for the job, it wasn't a perfect fit for me. This opportunity showed me and reinforced that I am on the right yellow brick road. EUREKA! Opportunities come along not only to help us transition into new chapters but also to help us steer through the ones we are on, giving us a green light when it is time for the next one, or a red light when our work is not quite complete. Losing a job is an opportunity. Getting a divorce is an opportunity. Ending friendships with people who aren't who we thought they were; and mid-life crisis are all markers that we weren't with the people we should be with or doing what we are meant to be doing. Opportunity gets so frustrated with our relentless fear of change, eventually takes matters into its own hands and literally throws us off the path. We have a tough time seeing those events as opportunities because our connotation has always been positive.


 It is a skill to see the potential learning experience when things don't go our way. We get so hung up on the outcome that we don't realize the actual process is what keeps us moving forward. How are you supposed to know where you belong? My answer: When you have been to places, as I have, where you clearly do NOT belong. This technique may not be the fastest, or most efficient but it is opportunity that makes it easier to identify when you have arrived to your true destination.
   

JAM OF THE WEEK: Clarity - John Mayer

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!