Dim all the lights

...sweet darling cause tonight it's all the way... sure is!! Hey boys and girls I decided to return to normal life from a very busy winter! It's been 3 months! Holy shizballitos time flew by! Did you bitches miss me?! While I didn't plan for my come back blog to be about Donna Summer following her unexpected death, I will tell you that this post sort of wrote itself while I danced (sans pants again!) in my kitchen and my boo made mac and cheese on a saturday night. Because duh that's how we roll. I had an specially trying week of finals, a severe case of the flu, and getting a "donna summer died #RIP" text in the middle of the work day didn't exactly help me bounce back any faster. And yes my better half used a hashtag in a text. You know what that means? It's gonna be a hash-tag-licious POST!! Later on my way to class I stopped to grab a snack at my fave cafe and...they never said your name but I knew who they meant...woaaaa... In my dayquil daze I had forgotten that they always had the radio on in there! AUGHHHHH I was not mentally prepared to hear my fave song just yet. Too much too soon! I swear it was as if Roberto knew that I was suffering and this was revenge (best show EVER!) for all the times I had micromanaged the way he made my sandwich (I think that's enough mayo there killer...I am convinced that he absolutely hates me but because I am there almost everyday for class I am a "sure" customer so he begrudgingly puts up with me. Dude I said that's enough MAYO!) and before I knew it I began mouthing along... I was so surprised and shocked and wondered too... #painful. He was moving sooooo sloooooowly I think I grew some chin hair while I waited. I so wish that was a joke. Don't it strike you sad when you hear our song?  Yes Donna. It does! I took my sandwich and low spirits to class. I wasn't ready to really deal with this tragic music setback (wasn't Whitney enough?! BAHHH-BAYYYY!!! Oh man that will never get old!) until Saturday when I was finally feeling better and finals were behind me. I found Endless Summer on my ipod and hit play. In my kitchen I enthusiastically reenacted the memories of my youth as they pertained to each song; I closed my eyes and relived July 2, 2006 when I was only a few feet away from the Disco Queen herself live and in concert. Then it hit me. The Donna Doctrine! Get pumped because we are gonna talk some serious hot stuff!

I want to say that On the Radio was the first Donna song I ever heard, because it has a special place in my heart. It wasn't long before I realized that most adults saw her as the defining star of the disco era, and to me seemed like the decade I should have been born in; well more accurately I just wish I had lived thru it first hand. As I grew into a "mature" adult (#ha!) I learned from music, dashiki references on the fresh prince, HBO documentaries on studio 54, and Boogie Nights that I could have been a star in the 1970's. The drama of it all would have almost made me pass for a normal human being. Almost. I assure my babes on the regular that I would have looked fierce in a one-piece hooded gold lame jumpsuit with my curl fro brushed out, platforms and some sunnies. And obviously my coke addiction would have kept me svelte: my milkshake would bring all the boys to the yard. Love to love you baby would have been my mantra! #whatcouldhavebeen! As I coped with being born at the wrong time, I vicariously lived thru Donna and her music. Sequins were in for a tinynanosecond in the 1990's and I actually kareoked in a tube top to Bad Girls and I thought I owned the joint. #delusional. The more I learned about this Diva the more of an appetite I had for her music and it would all culminate in a wink and a smile I would never forget.

       Donna Doctrine

History has taught us many things, but one in particular is that if you want to be remembered you need some kind of doctrine. Monroe and Trueman were nobodies until someone cleverly decided they should have a doctrine. Yes I did just say that our presidents were nobodies. Roll with it. Toot toot. Heyyy. Beep beep. LaDonna Adrian Gaines (to this day I still think that's the sickest diva name there could be and she didn't need to change it.) is a five time grammy award winner and a pioneer in record breaking, as she was the first artist to accomplish charting three consecutive double albums at number one on billboard. Fun fact: She was the background singer for Three Dog Night (Jeremiah was a bullfrog!) Many other accolades precede her, including modest box office success and yet it is a mystery to me why a doctrine in her name has not yet been established. Well LaDonna, today I am going to rectify this! Dim all the lights because tonight we are going all the way. 

The Donna Doctrine in my my ridiculi mind consists of 4 major points that I believe illustrate not just the Queen of Disco's career, but also her delicious impact on our culture. 

 

1) Hey Mr! Have you got a dime? 

Before pretty woman humanized prostitution, the working women of the street already had a cheerleader in Ms. Summer with her 1979 album appropriately titled Bad Girls. Known for her epic concept albums, Donna spent two years developing what would give our inner hooker something to toot toot about. She even dressed as one herself for the cover. In the biz they call that method acting, just droppin some knowledge on yo asses. Without a doubt, commercially the songs spawned from this record saw the most success and came to define an era in music and feminism. I mean who turns a topic like prostitution and makes a hit parade with it, while also providing social commentary. #LaDonna, that's who. She works hard for the money. So hard for it honey! 

2) Love to love you baby...for an entire 17 minutes. 

The freedom of the 1970's was a time of unprecedented amounts of sexy time, some white lines, and duh...a great soundtrack. Early in her career Donna co-wrote a song for another artist and famously coined the term love to love you baby. Originally the plan was for her to record the demo only, but her sexual moans were said to be so legendary that she ended up releasing the song as her own. I wish someone would say that about my moans (AHEM: Channing Tatum), I am just looking for some hot stuff - don't judge. Donna told the peeps of the decade love just don't come easy, no it seldom does. So. Do. You. Get some. And they sure did. #bow-chicka-bow-wow! All those souls who were conceived to DS already entered this life with an edge! Totally jelly. However, while it may be easy to disregard a 17 minute song full of moans and moistness (ohhh mah lady parts!), LaDonna turned erotica electronica into a legit music genre. Nothing makes me happier than a sweet born again church choir girl making an orgasmic song! You bad girl, you sad girl, you're such a dirty, bad girl! Beep, beep, uh, uh. Don't worry Donna Jesus Cristo will forgive you! He forgives everyone right?

3) No more tears (Enough is ENOUGH!)

 

Even if you don't offer happy endings, many of Donna's songs are centered around female empowerment, and kick-ass anthems. When I die I want my grave simply to say "She'll never sell out. She never will. Not for a dollar bill. She works hard for the money." Oh who am I kidding? I would totally sell out for the right price!! #realtalk! No more tears is one of my favorite songs and I used to go around middle school and high school randomly dueting with various losers, as if some racid man had wronged me so badly I just had to sing about it. I am gonna go out on a limb and say this is why I did not win prom court. But hey it really is NICE to be nominated. #bullshit. If you ever want to see this epicness, buy me a couple of dark and stormy's, throw in some fries with mozzarella cheese and brown gravy (disco fries), and get me on a stage. I will bring to life LaDonna's anthem!

4) Last Dance

 

Disco, like everything else was uncool, before it became super cool. But it had some help. Donna Summer is without a doubt, the woman who took disco out of underground clubs mostly with blacks and gays, and brought it mainstream for all people to enjoy around the world; similar to what RUN DMC did for Rap. She is so much more than a gay icon for this era and the ones that followed. DS created music that is still relevant in our daily lives and we may not even realize it! At a wedding, if you hear Last Dance start to play, you know it's time to run to the bar and get that last drink before the party is over! No wedding or celebration is complete without this song as its signature finale. The songstress and song were also in an episode of Family Matters (Aunt Oona from Altoona! I loved that show BEYOND words!) and Selena covered it in one of her live albums. Hot Stuff was featured in the movie The Full Monty (one of the best scenes in the film). LaDonna's music has been sampled by Dolly Parton, Beyonce, Reba McEntire, Madonna, Britney...and forevs on...longevity and talent is the name of this game.

 

 

I had the privilege to see LaDonna Adrian Gaines in the flesh right here on Long Island 6 years ago. I was sitting very close to the front of the stage in a small theater and took the beautiful picture above. During the concert she spoke in between each song, sharing an anecdote or a fun fact and we listened as if it was the most glorious piece of information we had ever heard. I grew a pair and screamed I love you! in the middle of her speaking, she winked and smiled and told me she loved me too. #Twinsies! I remember two things very clearly 1) I loved every second of the concert and 2) she sounded EXACTLY like the records. Her voice was outrageously powerful and tender all at once. Donna Summer still has NOT been inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame: this is SHAMEFUL! But I am sure that's all about to change. It seems that in order to be recognized peeps need to bite the dust. That ain't right! I will continue to shake my hot stuff to everyone of your songs, and hope you are in disco land with Michael, Whitney and Robin Gibb while Dick Clark DJ's in sequin pants. Heaven knows it's not the way it should be. #RIPDonna.

 

JAM OF THE WEEK: Endless Summer - entire CD

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!