That awkward moment when you start a new job and you
don't know anyone's name but they know yours. Yup we've all been there.
It's been a long time for me and boy has it been a rather inneresting
experience. Learning a new jobs is hard yo, making "work friends" is
even harder. Notice I used quotations... oh we are gonna get to that
sugaroos don't cha worry. Is it really hard? Or does it depend on the
person? Does your title have anything to do with it? Are you just a total
creepster? And how often do those work friends become real life friends?...So many questions and one bitchin blog to explore them all!
I started a new job exactly two months ago and the
learning curve is steep. I am busier than I have ever been during a work
day (miss you facebook!) and I only leave my desk when I absolutely
have to. I was running for the elevator 3 weeks ago and I heard "I will
hold it Maria" Grateful, I hopped in and when I looked up I realized I
didn't recognize a single face in the sea of glamourais with perfect
hair and belted shift dresses. And we stunting like Gucci Gucci Louis Louis Fendi Fendi Prada...them basic bitches wear that shit so I don't even bother. A room full of bad bitches indeed Kreayshawn.
Fuck! I hope they don't ask me anything. "Did you see the email about Brazil?" Sure did. (No fuckin clue... is there muzak in this elevator..? I
think it sounds like Billy Joel... FOCUS!) "So what do you think the next
steps will be?" (Oh Lawdy! Don't you know I am new biznitch? How you gonna
blow up my spot like that?) Well I think we need to do an analysis on the
region first to see what we are up against and identify opportunities
from there. WAM BAM and thank you ma'am! BRINGSSSSS IT! I did a Mariah and bye byed out of that piece as soon as those doors opened. Mental note: put in the time to learn some names.
And look up what the F is going on in Brazil. It doesn't help that there
are 20 people on my team and I don't necessarily work with all of them; which means awkward uncomfortable elevator, kitchen and bathroom
chatter. Ahhh my faves!
Looking for my work soul sistas has proved quite challenging
since my elevator ride. Many of us dread those moronic
conversations in our daily life filed under chit chat. For some it's best
to just stay silent, but being a competitive freak of nature since a
young age, I learned to perfect the art of chit chat. It absolutely
requires a lot of effort and focus; normally I peak at 7 minutes.
Remember that scene in ghost when Patrick's spirit goes into Oda Mae
Brown so he can touch Demi just...one...last...time? Ohhh my love, my darling... I CAN'T! RIP to the amazing Patrick Swazey. I know you are doing the Chip & Dales routine with Chris Farley in heaven. HOLY SCHNIKES! After a few minutes he is so depleted from the effort he falls and can't get up. That's
what it's like. Over
the years after many trials and errors, I have developed a strategy that has proved to be successful when attempting to make work friends.
In the past 2 weeks I put them to the test once again and I am gonna share the results here. Giddy up.
1) Meet by association
Like any place where human beings gather, cliques (I will always love those plastics!) are
bound to form. Infiltrating those circles at a job can be specially challenging since usually the members are reluctant to let new bitches
into the circle of trust. Ah but you see femmes (and maybe a handful of gents) there is always a weak
link ala Gretchen Weiners. One person who is more approachable than the rest of the
members; usually the best to target to get to know. The
key is to identify a commonality you may have and run with it. This is
where being well versed in pop culture comes in handy. I was coring my
apple (yes I do that) when I heard "Meghan"
say to someone "Who gonna check me boo?" OMG it's like Christmas!!! This
is my chance! If you don't know that line - clearly you have a life and
aren't a Bravoholic (like me) obsessed with the housewives. Good for
you. I guess you are cool. Casually I did my best NeNe and Meghan seemed
to be responding well. Yes I am in! "You're Sarah right?" FML!! NO
bitch I am MC! Soy un perdidor...I am a loser baby so why don't cha kill
me.... This is going to be harder than I thought....
2) Ladies who lunch...and then go back to work
Slowly, I have been getting to know Meghan, making sure I
always mention if I like an outfit or accessory she is wearing. Peeps love a compliment. I
told her I love clothes and fashion to bring down my creep factor
(doubtful but worth a shot), and she happens to wear very cute
fashionable outfits which makes complimenting her natural and easy. When
I walk by her cubicle with a cup of coffee (she sits a few behind me) I
stop and ask her about her weekend or if later in the week the upcoming
weekend. I don't ever ask follow-up questions that seem to be merging
into personal territory. I am adamant that chit chat Olympics never ever EVER
have to go into personal info land, if of course you are good at it.
Any old fool can ask personal questions (talking to you Oprah!), but to
have a 5 minute conversation with someone and reveal very little
personal information while the recipient feels that they know you
better is an exceptional fete. Side rant: I am fiercely private of my
personal information at work because people can and will use it against
you. I learned that lesson the hard way. From that day on I vowed never to share any personal
information with anyone from work that I would never want repeated in
front of a roomful of people. Ah but I have digressed...more on this
shortly. Meghan actually asked me to lunch very early
on. Even though a couple of times I had my lunch with me, I joined her
anyway for some fresh air. Code for: If I don't get away from this desk I
might go ape shit on this bitch. This was a great way to learn more
about the players and the little office nuances that a new person should
know: Who leaves early, who stays late, who is the moron who heats up
fish in the microwave, who has a "cough" every single day, and who
actually drops a deuce in the bathroom. It's always the skinny innocent looking ones! I am so onto you!! But more importantly, these lunch
outings tell me who she trusts and doesn't and whyyyy. I absolutely love
that most people will reveal a juicy bit of information and take my
response of "oh really" as please continue and tell me more! Meghan is
absolutely one of those people. Thank you sweet baby jesus. Oh and I am sorry Oprah I totally didn't mean what I said before. Love you boo.
3) Beware of the Me too!!
As I expected it was only a matter of time until Meghan
suggested to the group that I join their Friday lunch adventure. The
fierce five as I call them, are culturally a very diverse group, but
visually identical. Designer clothes, bags and impeccable style.
"Maria you are going to join us eh?" Asks the glamazon ring leader...did
she just say eh? Oh that's right she is Canadian...Score F5: zero, MC:
one. Lunch was not only delicious but actually entertaining. The gals were very animated and the more they talked the more I realized
how much I had in common with them. You love that song Starships? OMG me
too! You secretly wish you could star in just one episode of New Girl?
OMG me too! You love to rap? OMG me too my nickname is DJ MC!! You get
goosies everytime you walk into Bloomies? OMG twinsies!!! But as the
new person, the Me Too's need to be controlled if you don't want to
come off as if you just ran away from loserville. I was excited that I
had a lot in common with them but found it difficult to express it
without sounding desperate. I sat back understanding and accepting my place
by observing and listening; knowing a connection should and will happen
organically. When lunch was over the Canadian queen bee "Stacy" asked me if I
wanted to go get coffee before going back. Is Pitbull Mr. 305? DUH of
course I want to go. I decided they weren't ready for that joke yet...and
just replied with a casual easy breezy sure. Because I am super cool. I
thought it was quite telling that nobody else came and it was just the
two of us. It was game face time. I did a quick shoulder roll just to
make sure I was loose and ready. This is where she assesses and decides if I can
join the circle. I felt like this was my chance to forget about the OMG
me too and show her a bit of who work Maria is. "Could I please have a
venti iced chai light ice please?" she tells the barista in a very Regina George kind of way. Are you effing kiddin me?! That's
only been my drink for at least 3 years (thank you Caroline!!) AND light
ice too? Could she also have sensitive gums like me? There are many things I am
willing to compromise but my coffee isn't one of them. I did one last shoulder roll... Me too. No please Stacy, it's my treat. MC: 2 points
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| HI LORNE!! Maria is not here right now... |
4) Self-deprecating humor
I learned early on in my life that jokes and being humorous is an appealing quality in people. So naturally I wanted to emulate it. Because then peeps would like...like me and whatnot. When it finally sinked in that I was never going to get a call from Lorne Michaels telling me the video I submitted in 2000 (true story) was so hilarious he just HAD to have me on SNL; it dawned on me...you can't just learn to be humorous you either are or you aren't. It reminded me of that fresh prince episode when Will tries to be a comedian and surprise! He isn't funny. Tragic. I guess nobody will be getting the theraflu anytime soon. Sorry 'Ye. As I grew into adulthood I realized that being real and sharing my life experiences made people laugh. Who knew? I remember how much time I spent one summer working on accents and to this day no matter what I attempt it all sounds EXACTLY the same: like an 85 year old man who has emphysema and marbles in his mouth. My boo is always telling me stop trying but ever the over-achiever I will never give up!! People want someone who they either can feel superior to or relate to - self-deprecation works wonders for both. Stacy and I had a windy moment on one of our outings and both laughed at my spanx show for all in the Flat Iron district. We don't realize that the time we spend trying to be funny or fabricating jokes, distracts us from the ridiculous and always hilarious real life happenings every single day. You can't make this shit up, and sharing it sometimes is all it takes.
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| Don't worry folks... MC will take it from here! |
5) Join!
If there is a club, committee or anything that goes beyond my immediate department I join. It's a great way to meet new people throughout your company and can lead to great bonding experiences, exposure and possible future movement or growth. I have taken part in corporate challenges, races, softball games, team-building, and now at my new job volunteering committee. Please be kind when you walk by me in Central Park, as I sweat like a beast for nature and work friends. I did it all for the nookie. So you can take that cookie...and stick it up your...actually could you not litter and throw it in the garbage? I really don't want to have to pick that shit up later. Thanks.
A work friend can run the gamut from the person who you hate the least, to someone who becomes a powerful force in your personal life. Making them varies upon how much effort one is willing to put into it, and to me the effort always pays off as long as it is genuine. I think it's vital to have them, but it is a slippery slope when mistaken for real life friends. When we talk about money and careers people can behave quite differently than the bestie we thought we had. I was fortunate enough that at my previous job, a couple of people, after some time, became personal and dear friends of mine. Sometimes that happens, but I may not ever be able to replicate the stars aligning and meeting the people that I did during that time. The few things mentioned above are ways to start that process, but ultimately it is important to remember that peeps naturally gravitate towards those they want to be around. So today when I got in the elevator and didn't recognize a single mug I couldn't help but thinking...
Hey I just met you! And this is crazy! But here's my number. So call me.
maybe.
JAM OF THE WEEK: Only the Horses - Scissor Sisters
As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!
