I believe I can fly

I AM BAAAACKKKKK BITCHESSS!!!! Did you miss me?!?! I missed writing about ridiculous things set to music lyrics. I don't know about vous, but I couldn't be happier that Christmas and specifically 2011 is FINALLY behind us! What a year huh?!! In this bitchin blog we talked about stupid peens like Tiger Blood & Arnold, Ms. Lopez & Skeletor breaking up, my major OWS (Oprah Withdrawal Syndrome...god I miss her soooo much!!!) and BEIBER fever...(oh my god you guys...I totally love that new Selena Gomez song...augh I played it 10 times just this morning...AND I HaTe MySeLf for it!) I revealed how much I hate the tards I went to high school with (except the one I married and a couple others who are gracious enough to read this blog! WHAT UP RYAN!!), asked hard hitting questions like "Are you a Shania or a Whitney?", how much we miss the 90's, the royal wedding and how much better New York is than LA. We dabbled in discussions involving my lady lump, the Illuminati, Steve Jobs, MJ and how fittingly work personalities seem to be described by his songs. What would Jesus do not once but twice, B-double-O-T-Y OH MY!!, Britney, UEPPPAAA (which I have since come to learn is actually spelled WEPA...whatever haters, it is a made-up word! I will spell it however I want to! If only I made money writing this blog then I could afford a research assistant!) All in all 33 blogs brought to you through my love of music (and the ridic); I am forever grateful to get the opportunity to say whatever I want when I want and dare I say it...YOU kind of like it...Is it cause they like my gangsta walk? Is it cause they like my gangsta talk? Is it cause they like my handsome face? Whatever it is they love me! I handles my biz don't rush me just relax and let me be free...I got ho's in different area codes ...sorry got a little carried away with Nate Dogg & Luda. As 2012 gets underway, I am beyond excited to continue this bitchin blogin sitch, talk about great music and see where it takes us!! I guess what I am REALLY trying to say is...I LOVE YOU (MY DEAR READER) LIKE A LOVE SONG!! Damn it Selena Gomez!! Get out of my head!! Hope you are readyyy because here we go!!!

The last week of December, I was quite enamored with the idea that 2012 was going to be an epic year, by Dec 29 I had accepted the grandeur of amazeballness that 2012 was going to bring. It was a done deal, or so I thought. Dec 30 I was ready to start my holiday weekend; enjoying some pinot while singing TGIF and air saxophoning Kenny G's part in Katy's last friday night.  I want to dance on table tops and take too many shots!! I shimmied from the kitchen into the living room and checked my facebook... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

People.com was reporting that it was official, the funny Brit was divorcing his teenage dream. But I don't understand...WHY?!!? I adore him not just for his wit, but also his ever tight leather pants. Does that hurt your junk Russy? And Katy, I mean common people, a lady of the lord who has whip cream coming out of her tittays...What is there NOT to like?!!? I am going to need at least a month to get over this...but I won't make any promises! RIP Krand!!!

There is a slew of things I absolutely do not want to see in 2012. At the top of the list is RiRi getting back together with Chris beat-down Brown. Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay indeed. Rihanna Robyn Fenty ----- what kind of disturbia is this?! I find it hard to believe a sexy island babe such as yourself is having a difficult time finding suitors!! Guuurl just today a dude told me I was the ISH. Sure he was homeless but that is NOT the point!! You don't fool me with your "oh but he loves me"... once a beater always a beater boo. Look, Ri I am all about rehabilitating perps but not at the expense of one of my best pop stars. All I am saying is....Cause I didn't mean to hurt him, and I took his heart when I pulled out that gun...Rom pum pum pum...Man down!!!! I hate that I love you sooo Chris beat-down Brown. I also want nothing to do with Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages. Really...that dude?! Def Leppard? Sure...can't wait to see the Bon Jovi biopic starring Shallow Hal!! Common!! Hell to hizno. I am also hoping 2011 was the last of Charlie Sheen, Tim Tebow, AND at least one of the Kards (hopefully Kim since Mason is getting a baby bro...oops I think that was top secret. Bringing you exclusives is what I do!) I just can't wait to see Kourt pull that kid out of her vajayjay. Damn Kards!!! Leave my 2012 alone. Another thing I want off my radar is dem babies. I am so over these babies I can't even deal! Wait...hold up wait a minute put a little boom in it...what do you mean you don't know what I am talking about??? I almost don't want to ruin your life by bringing this absolutely ridic waste of time to your attention. Key word: almost Suffer with me twitches!! The other MC and Mr. Carey have a special website for their twins Mo and More or whatever the other kid's name is. I find myself on it, cursing under my breath, unable to control my urge to view the hundreds of pics they post of... you guessed it DEM BABIES. Every time I say that I feel like Ms. Cleo. Remember that broad? HA! Anywho...I am always amused by the inevitable scan of the background items...Mimi is that your spanx in the corner...black interesting...always pegged you for a nude color type. See for yourself: Dembabies.com. Even though I love to hate these two, I secretly like them as a couple...Nick Cannon hope your kidney gets better soon!!!
The last item on my list came on new year's eve. CNN was running a dating site commercial for only the best specimen around...christians. They are single and effing ready to mingle, but only with others like them obv. ChristianMingle.com ran such an awkward commercial I actually had to look away from the TV. Listen christians, if you want to date each other be my guest, but please I beg you, don't waste valuable air time and take away the ever enjoyable pijama jeans and forever lazy infomercials!! Enough said.

Aside from the Krand breakup, I do think there is much to look forward to in 2012. Musically though, there are 3 things I want to see happen. At #3 is Mr. I-am-so-damn-good-looking-it hurts-Justin-Timberlake. Ahhh JT, from the moment I saw your bleach blonde tips on TRL I knew you were going to be a star!! I watched a little Behind The Music on Timbaland over the holidays in which both Mr. Mosley and Justin talk about the creative process behind the amazeballs cry me a river. The first thing that went thru my mind was denial You know that they say some things are better left unsaid...all of these things people told me keep messing with my head Before I knew it my blood was boiling and my memories flashed back to that US weekly cover announcing their brake-up. You told me you loved me why did you leave all alone? Girl I refuse, you must have me confused with some other guy (not like them baby)...Damn it Brit Brit how could you?! I was angry that I didn't get the perfect pop marriage I was wrongfully denied! I tried to calm down but...can you imagine those rug rats?! Pretty soon I was just desperate for the hurt to end. So I bargained as I made sense of it all...the damage is done so I guess I be le-le-le-leaving But I was too depressed to tear myself away from it... You were my sun you were my earth. But you didn't know all the ways I loved you. You really fucked up Britters! What were you thinking?! But like everything else that sucks balls in this world, it eventually comes to a close and we come to accept this kind of fuckery from our beloved celebs... now there is just no chance for you and me there will never be. Don't it make you sad about it. Cry me a river. Ho. And just like that I was reminded of JT's brilliance: in 4 min and 50 seconds I re-lived the grieving process that was that song all over again. All 5 steps and such an insane melody. It doesn't get better than that!! Or does it? I think it does!! JT, I am hoping you will wisen up and put out an album in 2012. Please!! We need you.  Also congrats (I guess...) on your alleged engagement. I guess Jessica will do. I am just a phone call away if you change your mind though 1-800-DIAL-MC...all day errday. And as for you Ms. Spears... you don't have to say what you did...I already know I heard it from him.

The #2 scenario that is rumored to be happening in 2012 and that I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to is a Watch the Throne album part-two from Masters Hov & Yeezy.  Actually Jigga man said there could be a collabo album AND individual ones as well, because right now they are in the zone!! Recognize fool! If you still don't have the WTT album, you are missing out mi amigos. Hands down the best album of the year, sorry Adele but I've been a fan since your FIRST album not like the rest of these yahoos: "oh my god have you heard of Adele?" Yea tard in 2008. Honorable mentions for top 5 albums also go to Gaga & Mr. 305. WTT is indisputably the ISH and I can't wait to see what these two have in store for us in part two.

Now, I know you about to be like SAYYYY WHATTT this bitch is crazy!! But hear me out. The #1 hope I have for 2012 is an epic R.Kelly come back!! Wait...I bet you didn't recognize him in the above picture...because he looks so...soo...metro? Non-rapperish...? So there I was at the nail salon, and they always have X-factor playing, not really a fan and only watch it during mani/pedi time. Melanie Amaro the eventual winner, began singing one of the greatest songs ever written: I believe I can fly. Good but...NOT R.KELLY GOOD I judged the way I think Simon would. To my surprise, the man that wrote & produced this masterpiece came out for the second verse sporting his supa dupa fly velvet blazer. Is that KELLS?! From Chi town? And then that spectacular voice took over. Wait...is this really the dude who told me We sippin on coke & rum, I am like so what I am drunk...it's the freaking weekend baby I am about to have me some fun..? and offended the entire Asian community with his catchy song Thoia Thoing...? Yes it was him! His voice sounded better than I remembered and reminded me why that song won 3 grammy's. But MC he peed on a girl...to you I say Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone and also remind you a jury found him to be not guilty. But, that's not what we are discussing. What Robert does on his private time, ain't my bidness. I am interested in the music. Robert Sylvester Kelly please make 2012 your year to make incredible music like you used to. Nobody cares about this "in the closet" lameness you have going. I would love to see you collaborate with artists such as Akon and David Guetta. You need a new album boo, and trust the voice will do everything else. I believe you can fly again. Like you said what is R&B without the R?!?

I am pumped for 2012 and hope you are too! Please help me grow this blog by posting it on your facebook walls and sharing it with your friends!! Remember sharing is caring!! Subscribe via email to get posting notifications ANDDDDD starting next week bitchin bloggin bandit will be on twitterrrrr!!! More details to come!!! Buckle your seat belts bitches because here come the shenanigans!!!

JAM OF THE WEEK: I believe I can Fly - R.Kelly

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!