Destiny's Child

And the winner is HOV...my man...SPEECH!!! I tried really REALLY hard not to write about J & B this week and their child of destiny but it was completely unavoidable with all the fuckery and secrecy. Unless you are a hermit, there was no escaping the birth rumors that plagued Beyonce and Jay-Z these past 2 weeks. It's a boy, it's a girl, it's a hovie hov!!! All I know is that Bey's weave was looking tight for having had a sweet baby hova. I am guessing she went all maternal and removed it for the birth. Hahaha yea right... that bitch probably threw that shit out and had 20 others waiting...what's 50 grand to a mother fucker like me? Good point Jigga man. Lenox Hill can now rest in peace that they will be under their 2012 budget since the Carters shelled out over a million buckaroos to have an entire wing of space to record a song have privacy. Daaaamn...you know some poor preggo woman in a dark corner of LH was screaming "I don't give fuck if Mrs. Obama is here get me to a real room in the maternity ward"... Sure seems a bit extreme for someone who constantly reminds us he came from the streets. I was raised in the projects, roaches and rats. Smokers out back selling their momma's sofa, look outs on the corner focused on the Avvv, so you know I've seen it all before... betcha haven't seen angry hospital staff who aren't allowed to eat the delicious food you had catered but have to wipe Bey's private lady land (and THAT can't be pretty). For anyone who argues the most disgruntled employees work at DMV, I say take a trip to a hospital and catch up with the scrub club. It's the hard knock life for those peeps and they let you know it. Oh and yea their cell phones were also confiscated for the duration of their ENTIRE shift. NO ANGRY BIRDS?!!? I don't even like charging my phone because that means I won't be able to obsessively refresh facebook and my gmail. And taking it away while at work is truly unimaginable!! Not cool. The private security team wore tags that read "special event" and what a special event it was!

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 8th wonder of the world...Baby Blue Ivy. Really....? Blue? Like blue's clues? Like blue jeans? Like the blue man group? Like a blue jay? Like blue suede shoes? Like Blu Cantrell?!? I found this gem on twitter: “That awkward moment when B realizes Jay’s main bitch before her was Blu Cantrell” Oh for the love of the sweet baby Tebow...relax Bey... allegedly she was the love of his life. ALLEGEDLY. Here is my unsolicited advice Ms. Knowles...hey ladies when your men wanna get buck wild...just go back and hit him up style!! Sorry boo. I wonder what she got as a push gift? Must have been something epic for her to agree to her offspring being named after one of the letters in ROYGBIV...

Maybe If I do this enough times I can get in on that portfolio!!!

Just when you think the life + times of Shawn Carter can't get any more outrageous... they do. He decides that sweet baby hov Blue Ivy is probably going to have a tough time joining the work force in 18 years; you know with her uber famous parents, 4 maybachs, a black amex, 5 mansions, a yatch, a private island, and an investment portfolio that Buffet can only dream of. Bitter? Jelly?! Bitches puhhhhlease. I am not at all jealous that a 1 day old got writing credits on a Jay-Z song. As a matter of fact, I got my own cred!! I was in rap group in my youth and my stage name was marvelous mia. It took me a month just to come up with THAT shiz. But jealous nooooooo...common!! Listen peepos, having a lot of money and being born to super star parental units can be super rough...you have the um...you know the thing....whatchamacallit... and it is like so rough... Aughhh fuck alright already! I am furious that a crazy named zygote has more street cred and net worth than poor marvelous mia!! I am livid that she is the youngest "artist" (and I use that word as loose as Paris Hilton is...that twerp is coming out with an album...god help us!) to be featured on the Bilboard Top 100 and she didnt even have to work a day in her Louis Vuitton wearing life! It just ain't right!! Oh and by the by...the baby featured in Aaliyah's Are You That Somebody song called and she wants her royalties STAT! Augh...I need to slow down on sipping this infant haterade it doesnt seem right...not even for me!! Just so you all know I rapped at my prom...I am old school. I paid my dues. Suck it Blue Ivy! Am I allowed to say that to a baybay?

We know Jay loves girls girls girls he does adore...but we didnt know how much he was gonna love his girl: destiny's child. I am not gonna front kids, glory, the song J wrote in .57 seconds (it actually takes me 4x as long to sneeze) after Blue was born, got me teary eyed. And a bit farklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. It is Hov being his brilliant self, transforming our emotions with the power of his words. Reminded me of one of my faves from him...I can't see 'em coming down my eyes so I gotta make this song cry. I am not a parent, but I hear glory and it makes me yearn for something I have never had and I am not even sure I want; the way an amazing piece film or music is supposed to. We can relate: Shawn is just like us when he talks about his bad-ass little Hov. I am not Beyonce's biggest fan, but the raw honesty of a miscarriage and fear of not making it to a full-term pregnancy the second time around, reminds me she is human even if she dances like a machine. I can relate, as I believe we all can to human suffering. We have all been there, and it is the unspoken bond that unites the super star and the common folk (poor maervelous mia!). Two years old shopping at Savile row....AAAAAANNNNDD we are back...to being pee-ons with an inability to relate because our future 2 year-olds will probably be eating dirt + poop, and the only London they will know is the London bridge...game. That's the best case scenario. You're a child of destiny, you're the child of my destiny, you're my child with the child from Destiny's child. A pinch of Hov, a whole glass of Bey...That's a hell of a recipe. 

After I finally ran out of infant haterade to sip on, I was happy for the richest music couple. If they are crazy in love who am I to judge? But then I got word of Mr. Rockafella's ridiculous announcement/open letter/foolery. "Before I got in the game, made a change and got rich / I didn't think hard about using the word bitch / I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it / Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it." Wait whaaaaaa?!?! The internet was ablaze with fury from fans who tried to make sense of his vow to stop using the word bitch in his music. I immediatey wondered how masterpieces like I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one would be performed. What about bitches and sisters?! If you say "witch" Hov, I will kill myself. Even the haters were outraged, immediately protesting he also acknowledge disparaging words like nigga. Ouch, they got a point Jigga Man. Many women, even my beloved Oprah find the word "bitch" in rap music demeaning and disrespectful. I of, course am not one of those women. Listen up little boos, if you see me on the mean streets of the NYC or LI and call me a bitch, I will recognize it as the highest form of respect. Like a hot gay man complimenting your looks and fashion sense: there is no better compliment than being called bitch. Call me a sexy bitch and I am yours fo life!! One day I hope my corner office door reads MC - Execu-bitch with writing underneath that says...No one bitch should have all that power. True story. I love a word that is as versatile as this one (biotch, biznitch, beeooootch) and allows me to express myself anyway I choose to. Let's grow a pair ladies, if you are a confident woman, and you are called a bitch...you gotta brush that dirt off your shoulders. It is true that Jay-Z raps about drugs, money, cash, hoes and I find it odd that he deems the word bitch inappropriate when he uses other language such as Now once upon a time not too long ago...A nigga like myself had to strong arm a hoe.  Bro you cannot be serious with this...you want to stop using the word bitch, Paula Deen has diabetes and can't use butter, what is next?!? Lindsay Lohan is going to join a monestary? Ryan Seacrest quits all of his 57 jobs? Anderson Cooper starts dating women? NeNe tells the world what an incredible vocalist Kim is?!?! COMMON!!!!!!!! That shit cray...AIN'T IT JAY?!?

Mr. Carter, please for the love of Biggie Smalls, stop sipping that placenta juice that Bey gave you and quit the shiz. You made the word bitch cool, and we will separate your private life from your art. I truly hope this is just Blu Cantrell spreading rumors. Also I really want to attend Blue Ivy's bday bash on 1/3/33!!!! 

UPDATE 1/19: JAY-Z'S TEAM CONFIRMED TO TMZ THIS WAS BS AND HE WILL NOT DENY US OF THE GREATEST WORD EVER INVENTED!! REJOICE!!!!!!!!

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS...and get your friends to do it too!!!

@bitchingbbandit

(Note the double "B" in the middle!!!)
 

JAM OF THE WEEK: Song Cry - Jay-Z

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!