So it finally happened. The pandemic that is beiber fever has finally seeped its way into my pores and my soul. Well not really, ok sort of. I actually put a lot of 'valuable research' time into this post because other than some random lyrics and many many acronyms and nicknames (which I will shower you with throughout this beiber experience) I barely knew anything about this homo sapien. I remind you he is just a humanoid like the rest of us, because I might have come across a website that compared him to God. Not being a very religious person myself...I defs thought it was...a little scary..? Sure but scarier: Does that make Willow Smith Jesus? Do they have that in Scientology? Never mind....
I can't pinpoint the exact moment I became aware of the beibs but I can tell you exactly when I became a belieber. That little fucker got to me...ME! A tough long island bitch who passes judgement like pot at a teenage party. Like the chronic, the beibs puts you in a trans of sorts. An exestensial experience shall we say. I heard a little bit of a song but the only words I could make out were 'baby baby baby' after all his audience is still developing mentally and the lyrics CAN'T be that challenging. Little by little I acquired more lyrics...'Baby baby baby ohhh like baby baby baby noooo like baby baby baby ohhhh...I thought you'd always be mine' Aw poor guy...he is so heart broken he can barely get the words out...no? Oh... so that's the actual chorus...well he's like 12 so...oh he's 16 you say? Well...um...that's some hook!! He promises we can 'shout whenever' and that for us he would 'do whatever' but for the beiber army that's often not enough.
I'd rather face the Spartan 300 sausage party than be confined to a small space with 2 beiber fans. Their love for the beibs is unwavering and they will do whatever it takes to proove it to you and to each other. Friendly fire among the beliebers can often generate as many casualties as the ones launched against non-beliebers. Their teenage (but not limited to toddlers, adults, moms & cougars) passion is so deranged from reality that for the innocent bystanders who may have been vaccinated against the fever - it almost seems like some kind of fandom hell..AN OUTBREAK! (Enter Dustin Hoffman in his yellow suit). But peeps the beibs just wants 'somebody to love'...that can't be too difficult when he's single handedly established the meaning of what a viral pop star is and a new way for his soldiers to perform beiber duty.
In the old days I told my diary how dreamy my future husband to be Nick Carter (BSB bitches!) was. My audience was my dad...probably snooping around in my shiz. My passion was exposed at the lunch table when Stacy told me she loved Brian because he was like wayyyy cuter than Nick. After school I called Nicole (on my own private line in my room-legs on the wall staring at my posters on the ceiling- the good ole days) to make a case for why we can't be friends with Stacy because clearly she was an idiot to say something so stupid. But now these single digit aged little humans can go on their macs and upload a 10 minute rant on youtube and get thousands and thousands of hits within the hour. Eventually polluting every social media outlet and in many cases (I am sure) their message reaches the beibs himself! All in an afternoon's work between nap time and bath time. Its quite mind-blowing! For Beiber youtube was the vehicle that got him to Usher who will be insanely rich because of this little boo...Oh. my. gosh. indeed Usher (KA-CHING!)
Imagine being a parent. A co-worker told me her daughter cried for 2 hours after JB lost out on a grammy. We are quick to blame parents but if I remember correctly I liked/worshipped/did anything my parents told me NOT to. That's like what kids/teenagers do right? So what is it about this pre-pubescent little squirm that gets all these diapers/panties in a bunch? We know its not the lyrics or music itself, though it's catchy you know somewhere Macca is calling it 'pure rubbish'. Its not his intelligence (or lack there of) as we all saw that interview where he didn't know what 'german' was. Like the actual word and its meaning. (Sorry Beiber parental units that I def blame YOU for) The only thing left is that inattainability that drives women and even 3 year olds to maddening levels of hysteria. I liken Beibs to Edward. YEA I SAID IT.
Why was twilight such a huge phenomenon? Because inside all of us there is a 12 year old dying to get out, fall in love with a vampire, die and then become immortal (DUH!) But this time we get to live it without the drama and the angst of our teenage years. It's like a good dream when you know you are in deep REM sleep but you continue on because you can and it's harmless.
And most importantly bec we can enjoy it.
My 'research' was listening to the beiber songs and I made sure my other half wasn't around to witness this debacle. It started innocently enough and then next thing I knew I was balls out on the kitchen floor with my hairbrush and my sweet moves. (that's right I got sweet moves you didnt know about!) It felt great. It felt organic. I think that if I was 12 I would have enjoyed it but not with the depth and perspective that experience can give you. When I first heard 'I want it that way' I was feeling so much emotion/angst/sadness (because Tommy didn't like me back...sighs) that I couldn't appreciate the most basic part of the song. Just the music. I would go around yelling 'Tell me whyyyyy...Aint nothing but a heartache' Common sing a little you know you want to...
So that's what I think Beiber fever is all about for the older crowd anyway. Its just that we know genuine fun unexpected moments don't come often when you are a jaded biotch, such as myself. When they do they must swiftly be embraced at full speed or they will pass by as fast as Lindsey's rehab stints. I am not saying I will (EVER) be front row at one of his concerts or his "little" movie (only 3rd highest grossing docu of all time: Eat it Michael Moore {Bowling for Columbine & Sicko} and wash it down with a nice tall glass of SUCK IT! Says the Beibs) anytime soon but I won't be hating on the beibs.
As far as those crazy dilusional children who cry over their JB, well he wasn't the first and he surely won't be the last! So cry on kiddies while you still can. When the days of student loans, credit card bills and lack of health insurance catches up to you, crying over the beibs will seem like a far distant memory you wish you could relive. Trust me. He wants 'somebody to love, he doesn't need too much, just somebody to love'. So let's love the beibs back, it will be good for you and hopefully the fever will break soon!
No comments:
Post a Comment