The Charlie Sheen post...you knew it was coming...

**Disclaimer: This post focuses heavily on the unforeseen but intense connection between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Sheen and I was inspired to write about it. If you are unfamiliar with this 'so called rap music' you are SOL sorry!


"No No No NOTORIOUS!!" This is how I envision Charlie Sheen waking up each morning (or really just between each line of coke he does). His goddesses sing the Puffy part "He is.... He is.... NOTORIOUS" No bitches!!! Don't you know he is a WINNER! For the love of biggie smalls!!! I envision Denise Richards doing the Lil' Kim part "Titties out like wha....don't give a f*#!" (Actual lyrics...sorry Denise...call em like I see em boo!)

Ahhh America...you love a good crash and burn don't cha?! Just like a car accident we just have to slow down and take in the demise of anyone who is a prominent figure in our culture. Politicians, businessmen, media, and specially celebrities. But nobody crashes and burns quite like Senor Sheen. Not even an F-18 BRO!! It all started late last year when this WINNER! was causing all kinds of illegal shennanigans in Room 112 (where the players dwell...) It seemed that from that point on the 'actor' began to conceal less and less just how great he REALLY thinks he is. Along with how much money he has (no need to worry his accountant handles that), and how much he spends on the white magic powder and pussy.....cats. The more he unravels the more I want. The more we want. I thought I told ya that he won't stop.

Are you ready for the Torpedo of TRUTH?!

 Charlie charlie can't you see sometimes your words just hypnotize me. Watching one of his video rants is like being at the perfect corner with nobody standing in your way and witnessing someone fall on their ass. It's just so amusing you can't NOT laugh. Sure you feel bad, just like you would for the person who fell, but that comes after we laugh. I am still on the laughing stage with Carlitos.

There have been so many gems delivered flawlessly by one of America's least talented assholes... yup I said it!.  I have never been a fan....oh you couldn't tell?! Sorry to deceive you, but you don't need to be a fan to be as deeply fascinated as I find myself.

 I had to IMDB his "long list" of accomplishments. First of all as a general life rule, I don't ever watch anything on CBS. Their programming is atrocious not my cup of tea, and being the TV fiend I am, there is nothing remotely interesting about Charlie Sheen, some dude who looks and acts like a D-lister (he makes the academy want to give Kathy Griffin an Oscar) and some ugly little kid. Sorry peeps real talk. (Save your hate mail till the end to make sure you include ALL the ways in which I have offended you!)

I myself take offense to the media saying he comes from hollywood royalty citing his uber talented brother Emilio (really? Mighty ducks? No but really?) And Big Poppa Sheen (AKA Ramon Antonio Gerard Estevez) West Wing? Never saw it but okay. The Departed: such a spectacular movie even Charlie would've been good. No way to fuck that up. Doesn't count. Sure he's been in a LOT of movies but that doesn't make him royalty because unlike Deniro and Williams who have woven themselves into the fabric of our culture, people are over could care less about Big Poppa's roles.

What is it about Carlos that America loves so much? Well let's not get carried away...not all of America loves Charlie o. A big portion of "two and a half men" high ratings comes from the midwest...middle America just lurrrvvvesss that hilarious crazy yahoo. Aint he A HOOT! (As I do my best Paula Deen voice) Sure there are people from other geographic areas who watch it, I've been told many a time by peeps I know that it is sooo hilarious and a must see. Um...No thanks.

The Adonis has had the famous family, the money, the status, and the beautiful women. Why wouldn't America root for him? He's hot and sicker than your average: drug abuse, prostitution, amazing inappropriateness, deranged arrogance, a certified winner with tigerblood running through his veins with uncanny hand-eye coordination to properly handle a machete. I bet you bitches can't do all that. DUH WINNER!
 No matter how many times he screws up we are there foaming at the mouth to give him another chance, solely for the purposes of an even bigger fall.

The fact that CS became a cash cow for CBS is a direct indication of just how lousy television has become in the last decade. CBS knew that hiring Charlie given his track record was a risky bet but it resulted in millions. How ya living Charlie Sheen? In mansions, in Benzes giving ends to my friends and it feels stupendous. The good life always has an expiration date. Believe it. Charlie is exactly like a derivative. Built up from nothing but selling itself as the playa with the mostest. And like derivatives it can only work for so long when the entity at the center of it all is so clearly unstable. No rational human being says in the utmost seriousness that reciting lines is worth more than a measily $7 mil.  Not even Gary Busey would say that.

For Charlie Mo money does not equate to mo problems, and to the trolls at CBS it was all about the Benjamins all along... AND STILL IS...so who watched out for Charlie? Nobody did. Not his family, not his management, not his wife ( & ex-wives) and certainly NOT his dealer. While he has absolutely contributed to the one-liner hall of fame (right next to "DON'T TASE ME BRO!"), his life is a sad pathetic attempt at undeserving greatness. If CBS is truly in talks with him to bring him back to the show, AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE ON we have not yet seen the full scope of what is to come: (MORE AMAZING YOUTUBE VIDEOS). Regardless my advice to Charlie is to hoard all the coke and alize he can get his hands on.
I am sorry warlock but the ride is slowing down and your time is nearing its' end. Unless of course you release a sex tape with Big Poppa playing in the background then we start back at square 1.
So the only question that remains is...What would Biggie do?