The most precious time of the year is upon us and I for one couldn't be more excited! Before the sweet baby jesus graces our shitty world with his luminous presence we eat turkey every which way, shop right up to the limit on our credit cards and sing to Wam's "last christmas" (I will argue until I die, this is the best the x-mas song of all time. Yup Nat King Cole can suck it!!) That's right I am talking about the most american tradition of all: Thanksgiving. The day where we stand up and say..."I am tired of you commenting on my lumpy potatoes. Next year make them yourself!!!" Oh wait you don't say that.... perhaps you say..."No I don't have a sudden disease...I am just chubbs but thanks for bring THAT up again...." Am I getting closer...? This day was designed to remind us how lucky we are (chubbs or not) and I would like to share the 5 things I am most thankful for this year with you!!!
5) Butter
Paula Dean my idol, and her no-holds-barred-add-a-little-more-butter...nope-a-little-more-delicious-salty-and-holy-shit-why-is-it-so-delish? butter mentality. I am not a kitchen connoisseur of any kind; sometimes I find things in my cupboards I didn't even know I had (that should tell you something) but I've mastered a few dishes in mah time. I can tell you with absolute certainty that everything tastes better with a little extra butter. And by extra I don't mean a pinch. In true MC style, extra means put in what you normal humanoids think it's extra and just when you think "wow's that's a lot of butter.." that's when you know it is time to add a little more. E-X-T-R-A!!! Like the perfect accessory to an outfit, butter can bring average dishes to a new yummylicous culinary level. But at turkey time I find myself reaching for that delicious Kerry's Gold Irish salted butter (Probably one of the only good things to come out of that place...okay fine.... <*MER>...and U2!! ) again and again. I don't see the reason to EVEN have grits other than to eat a huge slop of butter to go along with it. I love all kinds of butter, salted, unsalted, whipped, churned, you name it and I am happily spreading it. So what if it's bad for my health? I am sure the brazilian blow out hair treatment, the hair dye, the gel nail polish, the hair spray, the tanning can't be good for my health either but honestly I won't live my life deprived of butter or smooth shiny straight hair. Just thinking about it makes me start to hyperventilate... When you are down and life isn't treating you so great or if in doubt...do as Paula and I and add a little more butter....
4) Lamar Odem
Paula Dean my idol, and her no-holds-barred-add-a-little-more-butter...nope-a-little-more-delicious-salty-and-holy-shit-why-is-it-so-delish? butter mentality. I am not a kitchen connoisseur of any kind; sometimes I find things in my cupboards I didn't even know I had (that should tell you something) but I've mastered a few dishes in mah time. I can tell you with absolute certainty that everything tastes better with a little extra butter. And by extra I don't mean a pinch. In true MC style, extra means put in what you normal humanoids think it's extra and just when you think "wow's that's a lot of butter.." that's when you know it is time to add a little more. E-X-T-R-A!!! Like the perfect accessory to an outfit, butter can bring average dishes to a new yummylicous culinary level. But at turkey time I find myself reaching for that delicious Kerry's Gold Irish salted butter (Probably one of the only good things to come out of that place...okay fine.... <*MER>...and U2!! ) again and again. I don't see the reason to EVEN have grits other than to eat a huge slop of butter to go along with it. I love all kinds of butter, salted, unsalted, whipped, churned, you name it and I am happily spreading it. So what if it's bad for my health? I am sure the brazilian blow out hair treatment, the hair dye, the gel nail polish, the hair spray, the tanning can't be good for my health either but honestly I won't live my life deprived of butter or smooth shiny straight hair. Just thinking about it makes me start to hyperventilate... When you are down and life isn't treating you so great or if in doubt...do as Paula and I and add a little more butter....
| *** MER = Major Eye Roll |
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| Really KIM K?!? THAT DOUCHE?!?! |
4) Lamar Odem
So what that I had no clue who this dude was until he married the best Kard bitch of all! Well maybe only second to Bruce. (Have you guys seen his ear accessories!? Bru please you are embarrassing yourself! Remember when you were an olympic athlete?! Nope me either! Take those studs off and get your manhood back boo.) Like most of you, the Kardashians raped my eyes and ears with their ridiculous and frivolous arguments, endless product endorsements, photo shoots, wrestling matches, ass shots, and mounds and mounds of beautifully adorned Louboutins (so jelly!). I don't know how it happened but I don't remember life before the preppiest dressed baby on television was crying about something: Scott Dissek. Ha! You thought I was gonna say Mason. Silly wabbit!! I never actually know when the show airs, but I do know every time I turn on E! they are taking Miami (I'm in Miami Trick!!!) or New York or my dignity...whatevs. The other day I was watching it and realized Lamar is my CANDY MAN!! (apparently this is his nickname on the court) I am so thankful he is around because he seems to be the only normal one and the one Kard tard who actually earns his living as a versatile basketball player. Sorry Kimmie marrying the first peen in track pants (is that all he ever wears? There isn't even an NBA season right now!) to have a lower IQ than you is NOT earning a living! Us regular bitches marry for free! Next life I am going to do it right and marry some rich old fuck. Robert Deniro was right...the working man is a sucka. So Lamar I am thankful that you make the inevitable more bearable. You got a piece of me and honestly...My life would suck without you.
3) Bruno Mars
I have very conflicting feelings when it comes to my marsi poo. When I see your face there'sa few things not a thing that I would change...Let's call a spade a spade peeps....the kid is fugly. But man oh man THAT voice. I always forget how unattractive he is until I see him in person because his voice is so powerful and soulful. Like Adele, when you hear a BM song you feels that shiz. For most women the need for strong markings in the hotness department diminishes the more involved we get. I mean this dude is gonna catch a grenade for ya! I am not exactly sure what circumstances would warrant for the below scenarios to occur.... ie: why are people throwing a grenade at me that you have to catch it?! Have the zombies taken over and food supplies are low causing #22 Shane the man to try and kill us....hmmm...Shane (if you are not watching The Walking Dead...you SHOULD be!).....Why would you throw your hand on a blade?! Don't you remember machinery safety from Tech Class Bruno?!! Jump in front of a train?! NO dude! That shit is happening errrday on the LIRR...I need that to STOP happening! If you want to kill yourself can't you find a more sensible way and hour to do it in? Perhaps the comfort of your own bathtub in the middle of the night?! I am not saying...I am just saying...take a bullet straight thru my brain....If my body was on fire....again, I ask why to both of these....but look Bru the truth is even though I am actually taller than you, I adore you. Cause you're amazing just the way you are. Your debut album has been on constant replay this entire year and if it wasn't for you telling me: today I don't feel like doing anything...is it the dancing juice? Who cares baby! I think I want to marry you! I am not sure I would make it thru some of those excel spreadsheets I stare at alllllllllll day. For this I am thankful to have you on my ipod. Of course your best song to date is your current hit "It will rain" No religion that can save me from being obsessed with that song. Well done my shortie. That song is utter perfection. Looks will fade but your beautiful voice won't. Stay away from those fuckin grenades will you?!
3) Bruno Mars
I have very conflicting feelings when it comes to my marsi poo. When I see your face there's
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| Please SBJ tell me the third thing before these peeps figure out I am a total fuck tard!! |
2) Rick Perry (but really all Republican presidential candidates)
I was struggling for a long while to get into the 2012 election hoopla. Not just because you know it is an entire year away, but I just had not found anything specially on the GOP side, to hold my interest. Most people will remember an important day for years and years right down to the tiniest detail. The day they graduated college, the first day at their first real job, the day their child was born. For me it was a particularly difficult day: coffee had spilled on my shirt almost immediately after I left for work causing me to rearrange my fashion scheme for the day, a couple of hours later I got a stupid paper cut right on my knuckle. But then the day completely turned when I read on CNN.com that Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house. Fo realsies?! I remember this moment like it was yesterday. I was looking for a Sexy Sarah in the haystack...and there just wasn't one to be found. But then Rick Perry came and swooped in with his texas-if-you-don't-like-me-tough-shit attitude (so hot!), his gun (hotter!) and an equally distinguishable "I'm sexy and I know it mofos" grin (Yosemite Sam super hot hotness!!). If you haven't seen the youtube video when he calls some reporter a mofo and of course the now infamous "three things...but I can only remember two..." you just don't know what you are missing. Between Herman the pizza guy groping some bitches (if he had just admitted that from the get-go it wouldn't have mattered to anyone) and taking the longest pause of all time to answer a single question about Libya, Michelle Bachman's crazy eyes, I got plenty to keep me entertained at least until Iowa...then I am hoping all hell will break loose!! After all everything is bigger inTexas Iowa. So thank you sexy slick Rick for making your way into my life and for the laughs. I think of you every night and day. You took my heart and you took my pride away. I hate myself for loving you. Can't break free from the things that you do.
I was struggling for a long while to get into the 2012 election hoopla. Not just because you know it is an entire year away, but I just had not found anything specially on the GOP side, to hold my interest. Most people will remember an important day for years and years right down to the tiniest detail. The day they graduated college, the first day at their first real job, the day their child was born. For me it was a particularly difficult day: coffee had spilled on my shirt almost immediately after I left for work causing me to rearrange my fashion scheme for the day, a couple of hours later I got a stupid paper cut right on my knuckle. But then the day completely turned when I read on CNN.com that Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house. Fo realsies?! I remember this moment like it was yesterday. I was looking for a Sexy Sarah in the haystack...and there just wasn't one to be found. But then Rick Perry came and swooped in with his texas-if-you-don't-like-me-tough-shit attitude (so hot!), his gun (hotter!) and an equally distinguishable "I'm sexy and I know it mofos" grin (Yosemite Sam super hot hotness!!). If you haven't seen the youtube video when he calls some reporter a mofo and of course the now infamous "three things...but I can only remember two..." you just don't know what you are missing. Between Herman the pizza guy groping some bitches (if he had just admitted that from the get-go it wouldn't have mattered to anyone) and taking the longest pause of all time to answer a single question about Libya, Michelle Bachman's crazy eyes, I got plenty to keep me entertained at least until Iowa...then I am hoping all hell will break loose!! After all everything is bigger in
1) my dearest and dedicated reader - DUH YOU!!
I just know you bitches lovesss to read this blog! I want to tell you how much I love having a creative way to express myself and write it for you. I am thankful that each and everyone of you take the time to read about the crazy and ridic things I have to say and share it with your friends on facebook. To know me is to know I am a maniac, but to love me is to accept me as a maniac and let it entertain you using my favorite thing in the world...MUSIC!
I hope to continue to bring you interesting, creative and fun blogs for your reading pleasure. Have a great thanksgiving!!!! I love you all bitches!!
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