I heard my beloved Brit Brit was coming to Nassau Coliseum and I was thinking about going to see her in concert. I haven't seen Ms. Spears since way before I was legal, but unfortunately I couldn't fit it in to my schedule. So instead I thought I'd write about my faves pop artist, get in the zone, make some outrageous claims (so unthinkable a few of you might be mad) AND have some fun while we do it. So all my people in the crowd, grab a partner and take it down.
Oh Britney. You came into our lives like a hurricane, wearing a school girl uniform and confessing to us that your loneliness was killing you. You asked for a sign. And boy did we give it to you. Those were the days of TRL and an explosion of pop like the music industry had not experienced in a very long time. Now into her third decade of making music (that is just unbelievable) Britney Spears is still on top and showing that a little "crazy" and a good producer talent can keep you on top. Take notes Madge because it's Britney Bitch.
When I saw the baby one more time video, I couldn't help but to think...Why haven't I thought to wear just my sports bra to school? Ohhh...that's right I don't have the abs for it I am shy. Damn it! Britney was geniusly marketed as the pretty but accessible girl next door. If you remember it was a sports bra and sweat pants she wore in that video, along with the school girl uniform (her idea after rejecting a suggestion to do an "animated" video. GOOD CALL BRITTERS!!) Equal opportunity for young high school boys AND older skeevy men. She can get down just like the rest of you! Was she born to make us happy?
NOTHING bothers me more than artists being compared to Madonna. Let me take you back for hot minute...before I explain this statement. Remember the first ipod? I do. It skipped, got stuck, was a black and white screen, had limited space and if the battery died you were SOL. Remember the first tampon? I do. Non-discreet and made out of cardboard. Remember Lasik eye surgery when it first came out? You probably don't because if you had it, you probably had a heart attack at the thought of your cornea being sliced with a blade. Remember the first computer? DOS. Ew. Remember the first Zack Morris style mobile phone? The antenna alone was the length of 3 blackberries today. Nobody ever says well the original was better because it came out first. NOBODY. I am glad that my ipod is in color now and I can play any of the 7,000 songs I have. I am thankful to the sweet baby jesus someone thought of using plastic at playtex. I hated that disgusting slow compaq computer I was forced to be grateful for having. Dial-up aged me by like three years. My crackberry is my life and I wouldn't go back to that beast of a phone even if Zack came with it. So why is this concept different for Britney Spears when history tells us reinvention is the lifeline of music. Yes Madonna is, was, always will be an icon and YES she is amazeballs. But the music of today is sooo different than that at the peak in Madge's career. Our expectations are different, marketing and media play a bigger part and to make these comparisons seems a bit antiquated. So here it is: I am ready to finally say that Britney has surpassed Madonna and is in fact a better artist. OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!! Sure I did bitches. Will you hold it against me?
There's only 2 types of people in the world. The ones that entertain and the ones that observe. I guess we know which one Britney is, her worth is an estimated $155M... mucho dinero (this is also my favorite essie color right now) indeed. She took center stage during the revival of teen pop in the late 90's. She perfected her image while growing up on the mickey mouse club (awww isn't that precious, you totally know her and Justin were making out backstage!!) and in 1999 she released the monster of an album Baby One More Time. I remember how furious I was that Mother's Music in Patchogue had sold out of it. So I was forced to go to the Wiz. Before there was best buy, nobody beat the wiz! (Actually the wiz still exists...I know! I thought I went to a fugazy website at first...but it is legit: thewiz.com) I still know the words to every song on that CD because I played it endlessly!! Baby One More Time remains the ultimate pop song because 12 years later we still love the pleasing melody, the easy tone of britney's voice and more importantly it represents a specific place and time for each and every one of us. There is a great song on this album that never saw the light of radio: Soda Pop. I wouldn't say it is a reggae song, but it certainly has a fun reggae vibe that is just so different than the rest of the album and anything else Britters has done since. During the bridge she really stretches those vocal chords also something we don't normally hear from her. She is actually singing. Sayyy whats?!
Since 1999 my little bevos (new word alert!) has turned into a bonafide money making machine: 7 studio albums; she was the first female to have 6 of them debut at the #1 spot. (It earned her a spot in the guinnes book of world records) Lucrative endorsement deals with pepsi and candie's, 2 books, tours that generate millions in profits, a movie...(Common you know you watched it...and wondered why Dan Akroid would EVER agree to be in it! ANSWER: It made $47M!), a reality show (yo don't play that homie you know you watched that too!) fragrance deals, phone and ipad apps, 21 Top 40 hits, and the undisputable power to sell thru more magazines than brangelina. Nobody cares about adopted kids. Real talk. They care about bald and beautiful Britney beating the shit out of the paparazzi with an umbrella. I swear to god I contemplated the shaved head look when Britney did it. Then I remembered I didn't have a sick body to distract people with!
Okay so my Brit Brit doesn't use music as a vehicle to express social issues, or any vehicle for that matter ala Madonna with Papa Don't Preach. She uses technology to enhance her tracks and creates her own brand of "Britbot", not a robot but a britney-esque robot! But just like beef jerky she is american made, (we love it even though sometimes it is kind of gross and leaves a bad taste in our mouths) and we are proud!!! At least she doesn't act like she is embarrassed to be an american by manufacturing some ridiculous fake half british accent (yea I am talking to you Madonna) and living in the english country side because you know America is just so lame. Brit put out one of her best albums at a time when her personal life was in shambles. Following her signature formula of club pop tracks laced with clever (all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek amy...common that's fuckin brilliant) catchy melodies as addicting as heroin, she delivered amazing music. She then released 2 more albums and showed Katy, Ke$ha and RiRi that this is her playground and she ALLOWS them go on the monkey bars. You want a piece of me?
We love Britney Spears because she gives us exactly what we want. Sorry peeps, I am a very socially conscious individual but I am not looking for a Sudan update when I hear a Britney song! I want to escape, I want to be distracted while I do heinous house chores (aughhhhhh always the damn dishes...) I want a sick beat to shake to while at a red light, out at a bar with friends, at the gym, while I am tanning (I love to dance in the stand-up booth! It's awesomeness!) Ms. American dream since she was 17 represents that place we go to when we want to zone out. Obviously for me I need music in this place. I can be lost in music endlessly for hours. And dancing to Britney music for days if I knew the old ball and chain wasn't gonna come home to ruin it. Do I pretend I am Britters circa 2000 in the oops I did it again video? Sure I do. Do I immitate her deathly precise dance moves? Sure I do, but I am better at the infamous MTV performance routine for Gimme More. The one where she looked completely drunk and uncoordinated? Yes that's the one. I add in my secret move: the running man and it makes for an epic way to use my kitchen floor! I just read in US weekly that Brit doesn't like to bathe for days, cuts the cheese, goes digging for gold (oh my god that Britney's shameless), demands only MJ be played in her dressing room and loves to eat junk food. BRITTERS we got more in common than you think girl... CALL ME!!! When was the last time you heard a Madonna song on the radio? AND Not from 2 decades ago? Exactly....Femme Fatale has surpassed every expectation I had and proves that Britney is still and will be for years to come a force to be reckoned with. Gimme gimme more Britney...
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