Birds chirping...pain at my side. Sun is shining...my legs rub together. A warm breeze hits me...these spanx are so dammnnn tight and I am so sweaty! Listen Beyonce I know you say a little sweatin never hurt nobody...sorry boo shiz hurts! How many more stairs are there?! What did I buy at whole foods? Rocks?! Why are these bags so heavy?! Jesus Christ I really need to get back in shape! Sound familiar?! Check it, direct it, let's begin...that's the sound of summer knockin' at your door. We hibernate and hide under clothes all winter and like a bad case of the Herps bare legs and tight clothes hit you out of nowhere. BAM!! I am back here again where I have to rebalance my diet and excercise habits...it can't ALL end with Pijama jeans can it? That infomercial is CRACK! Whatcha gon' do wit all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? Well WILL.I.AM. I, is about to tell you...my lovely little lumps need to get whipped into shape because I gots to stay a PYT!!!
Have you ever met someone who makes noises while they eat? "MMMmmm...sooo good" Or overly exxagerates how delicious something is? "WOWW I dieee for this mac and cheese" Hi nice to meet you. I do that. I just can't help it!! I like to eat and tell people about it like its going out of style and every meal is my last. Yummy in my tummy is very important and I take it seriously. So as the weather gets nicer I am reminded that no matter how hard I try spanx can only do so much. The sitch as it stands is that I gotta eat less and drag my baby gots back to the gymola. SO SIMPLE!! Right..? Then why is it so hard?!?
The Food
I am an emotional eater. Just like Oprah. I feel you guuuurl. I've never been one of those people who was naturally thin. "My doctor told me I need to eat more"Augh I want to kick those biotches in the crotch! Even if that IS the case, keep it to yourself will you?! So I have genes AND emotions working against me. I highly envy people who just can't 'bare the thought' of eating when they are stressed. For me it is the exact opposite. I want to eat. Consume everything in my sight. What a girl wants is some comfort food. Also when I want to celebrate I want to 'indulge' because you know I deserve it and all that jazz. They say if you love something let it go...and if it comes back its yours...um no sorry X-tina. I don't know when the next time this delicious food will make its way back to me. Like most other things I blame my parents. They spoiled me and let me eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. I remember when I had to sit my father down for a talk on the significant difference between buying coke rather than pepsi. Amateur hour. What a brat I was! I wish they had bitch slapped some sense into me. WHERE ARE MY DUNKAROOS?!?! Remember those?! Thatsssss wayy back!
As an adult I am just supposed to know how to change my ways now?! Aint that some shiz!!! (Sorry peeps I still CAN'T stop saying that) As I've gotten older I have tried being vegan, eating 'clean' and limiting/eliminating my intake of processed foods. I went years without soda or fast food. I am talking very long very painful YEARS. But my adoration for food and specifically dairy knows no boundaries! QUESO!!!!!! I have feelings toward cheese that no human being should ever experience. There aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley low enough...to keep me from getting to cheese. I'd probably sell out my husband for cheese if it came down to it. Of course it would at least have to be artisan fancy cheese,not that american cheddar bullshit. I remember the look on my doctors face when I asked about diseases related to cheese 'For example the opposite of being lactose intolerant. I am like overly lactose tolerant. Could this be some kind of illness?!' You know how that ended!! My idea of heaven is an endless platter of cheese, french baguettes and hundreds of puppies and kittens (bec they are cute and wouldn't judge my cheese palooza - not for eating silly rabbit!) Maybe I need some rehab. I got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it my dreams. I'm looking down every alley, I'm making those desperate calls. What you got queso is hard to find...I think about it all the time! Unfortunetely for me and my lazy metabolism a minute on my lips goes right to my hips. I can now understand how hard it is for Charlie Sheen. Hi I am Maria and I am a Brie addict. Hiiiiii Maria.
The GYM
Please don't stand so close to me. No really for reals...could you and your sweat pool find somewhere else to stand? I wouldn't say the gym is a place that I look forward to going. I am under no circumstances a germaphobe but the gym and its rampant dirtyness really turns me off. The annoying people who like to walk around with their coochies out in the locker room. And how am I NOT supposed to stare when it is like jungle fever in the lady area? The meat heads who grunt so loud everyone in the joint knows how strong they are grrrr (ooonnnne HUNDRED), the bug-a-boos who want to strike up a conversation while you are on uphill: I can barely breathe and I am on the fence as to whether I am having chest pains due to a heart attack and you are just shooting the shit?! REALLY?! What makes you think I can run AND talk to you?! The people who hit on you (not that I would know per se but I have seen it happen)...I am pretty sure I won't be putting those boys on rock rock. And they won't be lining down the block for what I got any time soon considering I look like chucky while I exercise. If I don't kill you first I might just kill myself. I be up in the gym just working on my fitness...I don't need a witness...
Unfortunetely without gym time no significant progress can be made toward a healthier lifestyle, at least for me. It is just soooo hard to physically get there isn't it?! We play mind games with ourselves and for me having a busy schedule it is my go-to-fail-proof-excuse. Real talk: the entire time I am exercising I am in misery and there aint nobody who can comfort me...But the truth is I want to love my ass (again) in seven jeans, true religion. And keep on demonstrating my hump, (ha) my lovely lady lumps. A cleverly crafted playlist helps me manage my desire to just die right there in the middle of Gold's Gym. Thank you Pitbull, Kanye, and Brit brit.
As summer gets closer and closer I can't wish that my metabolism start moving at the rate of rock lobster instead of a ballad. I tried praying but that hasn't really worked for me. I guess J-bro has more important things to tend to. Whatevs. I thought we were all children of god. (Go ahead just write the hate mail now BRING IT) I wouldn't say moderation is a notion I am familiar with as my life has always been a bevy of extremes. And since it looks like I will be in the queso olympics for life the only thing left to do is drag my B - DOUBLE - O - T- Y - OH MY! to the gym!! Aside from the weight loss we all know how much more energy we gain from exercising. After an exhausting winter I am ready to take care of myself again and I invite you to do it with me. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my tight pants. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my legs rubbing together. I got a feeling this is my summer. I got a feeling that tonight is gonna be a good night.
So I have no choice but to go old school, cause I am an old fool. Who is so cool. Here are some of my must have gym grooves:
1) The Anthem - Pitbull
2) It takes two - Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock
3) Back in Black - ACDC
4) Survivor - Destiny's Child
5) Stronger - Kanye West
6) Let's get retarded - BEP I prefer this much more to the 'PC' version
7) Just fine - MJB
8) Tambourine - Eve
9) Feedback - Ms Jackson if you're nasty!
10) Get me bodied - Beyonce
As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.
The Food
I am an emotional eater. Just like Oprah. I feel you guuuurl. I've never been one of those people who was naturally thin. "My doctor told me I need to eat more"
As an adult I am just supposed to know how to change my ways now?! Aint that some shiz!!! (Sorry peeps I still CAN'T stop saying that) As I've gotten older I have tried being vegan, eating 'clean' and limiting/eliminating my intake of processed foods. I went years without soda or fast food. I am talking very long very painful YEARS. But my adoration for food and specifically dairy knows no boundaries! QUESO!!!!!! I have feelings toward cheese that no human being should ever experience. There aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley low enough...to keep me from getting to cheese. I'd probably sell out my husband for cheese if it came down to it. Of course it would at least have to be artisan fancy cheese,
The GYM
Please don't stand so close to me. No really for reals...could you and your sweat pool find somewhere else to stand? I wouldn't say the gym is a place that I look forward to going. I am under no circumstances a germaphobe but the gym and its rampant dirtyness really turns me off. The annoying people who like to walk around with their coochies out in the locker room. And how am I NOT supposed to stare when it is like jungle fever in the lady area? The meat heads who grunt so loud everyone in the joint knows how strong they are grrrr (ooonnnne HUNDRED), the bug-a-boos who want to strike up a conversation while you are on uphill: I can barely breathe and I am on the fence as to whether I am having chest pains due to a heart attack and you are just shooting the shit?! REALLY?! What makes you think I can run AND talk to you?! The people who hit on you (not that I would know per se but I have seen it happen)...I am pretty sure I won't be putting those boys on rock rock. And they won't be lining down the block for what I got any time soon considering I look like chucky while I exercise. If I don't kill you first I might just kill myself. I be up in the gym just working on my fitness...I don't need a witness...
Unfortunetely without gym time no significant progress can be made toward a healthier lifestyle, at least for me. It is just soooo hard to physically get there isn't it?! We play mind games with ourselves and for me having a busy schedule it is my go-to-fail-proof-excuse. Real talk: the entire time I am exercising I am in misery and there aint nobody who can comfort me...But the truth is I want to love my ass (again) in seven jeans, true religion. And keep on demonstrating my hump, (ha) my lovely lady lumps. A cleverly crafted playlist helps me manage my desire to just die right there in the middle of Gold's Gym. Thank you Pitbull, Kanye, and Brit brit.
As summer gets closer and closer I can't wish that my metabolism start moving at the rate of rock lobster instead of a ballad. I tried praying but that hasn't really worked for me. I guess J-bro has more important things to tend to. Whatevs. I thought we were all children of god. (Go ahead just write the hate mail now BRING IT) I wouldn't say moderation is a notion I am familiar with as my life has always been a bevy of extremes. And since it looks like I will be in the queso olympics for life the only thing left to do is drag my B - DOUBLE - O - T- Y - OH MY! to the gym!! Aside from the weight loss we all know how much more energy we gain from exercising. After an exhausting winter I am ready to take care of myself again and I invite you to do it with me. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my tight pants. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my legs rubbing together. I got a feeling this is my summer. I got a feeling that tonight is gonna be a good night.
So I have no choice but to go old school, cause I am an old fool. Who is so cool. Here are some of my must have gym grooves:
1) The Anthem - Pitbull
2) It takes two - Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock
3) Back in Black - ACDC
4) Survivor - Destiny's Child
5) Stronger - Kanye West
6) Let's get retarded - BEP I prefer this much more to the 'PC' version
7) Just fine - MJB
8) Tambourine - Eve
9) Feedback - Ms Jackson if you're nasty!
10) Get me bodied - Beyonce
As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.
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