Work Nature

 The constant gum popping. The disgusting fish for lunch. FISH SHOULD NOT EVER BE MICROWAVED IN AN OFFICE. The knowledge they refuse to share with everyone else. The hyena laugh. They jump into your phone conversations as if they are the ones on the other end. The way they say good morning when you are 5 minutes late, as if you have personally wronged them. The non-stop complaining about everything from what to get for lunch (who you kiddin bitch you know you're gonna get pizza) to a sun burn (I am so sun burnt wah wah...hey asshole have you heard of sunscreen?!!) The hacking up of a lung. Basically just their existence is enough to make you want to go all mortal kombat on their asses all the time...is it just human nature to act this way?! No friends, this is work nature.  Unfortunetely for us grunts, we have to work to sustain a decent way of living = we have no choice but to endure 40+ hours a week of these shenanigans. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes ALL to work in an office.

There are 5 basic types of people we work with. We all know them. They may be men, women, black, white, asian, latino, skinny bitches and salad dodgers, but their basic work personality is almost exactly the same across the board.

1) The Wanna be starting something types:

I want to start with this very special specimen of co-worker. We mistakenly  believe they show up everyday to do the same shit you do: Work! DUH! Oh but actually they have a super secret handbook that describes their actual job as 'fanning the flames of office politics' That IS their J.O.B. Conversations that occur within a 100 feet: fair game. Talkin' stealin' lyin' sayin' you just wanna be starting something. You gotta be starting something don't ya? Ohhh emmmm geeee I heard Chloe say the word quit. She is absolutely going on interviews. I heard her last day is next week. Should we have a going away party? Oh and that reminds me don't expect Lauren to come because I heard her say she didn't feel good...mhmm...You know what that means...I saw her walking out with Christian the other day... PREGGO. Have you seen the baby bump?! Out of control. You know who else is out of control?! YOU wanna be starting something type! You take any small shred of information and twist it in the most ridic ways possible. Chloe actually said 'wit' as in something you lack, Lauren had pasta at lunch with 2 cookies and Christian is gay. You love to pretend that you're good, when you're always up to no good. For these types, starting trouble is a serious part of their job description. The hardest part is understanding that they are too high to get over and too low to get under. You're stuck in the middle, but the pain doesn't have to be thunder. Once you identify these grimmy deuchingtons it is easier to deal with their talkin' cryin' hustlin' stealin' lyin' because the reality is, they will never change. But you can call those bitches bluff...Help Me Sing It, Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa


2) The Leave me alone types:

The salty peanuts. So salty you feel it right in the back of your jaw. Oh yea...you knows what I bees saying. They have already put in their time and are just waiting until the misery ends. They have seen it all come and go, and then come again. Including their good looks and warm manner. Yea I said it. The spirit of life has been sucked out of them, and helping you in any way is not really part of their agenda. RIP to the salties. They are retired in place... I don't care what you talkin' 'bout baby I don't care what you say...oh what's that?! You got a great idea do ya?! That's great go tell it to someone who gives a shit. Sound familiar? There is an amazing phenomenon I once read about called the Peter Principle. I urge you to read about it. It has changed my work life, because as it turns out I know a saltylicious Peter who has put in many years and just wants to get on top of the desk and sing.... JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...heee heee... anytime I interrupt non-work related situations in that office. I am sorry I should know better than to interrupt coffee talk or your non-urgent family convos. Ain't no mountain that I can't climb baby all is going my way. Yes that is true because management can't fire you. So you are as salty as the ocean and get away with it. Don't You Get In My Way' Cause (There's A Time When You're Right) (And You Know You Must Fight) Who's Laughing Baby - Don't You Know? I guess you...Jesus Cristo I hope I never become a Peter.

3) The Smooth Criminal types:

Ahhh the repugnant serpents. Yea you know them. So nice to your face. Oh is that a new dress?! Looks great on you. All while you talk they are already working on ways to fuck you from midtown to harlem. They are the ones who run into your boss' office to ask about your whereabouts because they are 'so worried about you...' Annie are you okay?! So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal! They are as slimy as the week old cold cuts in the fridge. Ew. And yet nobody in the office seems to notice except you. Unlike the wanna be starting somethings who start trouble blatantly, being cunning and shady is an art form this co-worker treasures. The smooth criminal is endearing and helpful during the honeymoon phase. They gather info, see how you work and then without warning...BAM!!! Before you know it you got fucked, and you didn't even get dinner out of it!!! It is hard to identify who the SC's are right away. I've been fooled myself and can tell you some are truly experts at manipulation. My conclusion has been that usually their life is pathetic and meaningless in ways I can't even fathom.  Although it may take forevs for their true colors to show, eventually they do and the feeling of vindication is amazeballs!

4) The PYT types:

Ahhh the Pretty Young Things that walk around assuming hair twirling and sashaying from side to side will get them promoted. HA! Maybe if you are in HR because let's face it...what else could they possibly use as criteria for evaluation? Just keeping it 100. Where did you come from baby?! And ohhh won't you take me there?! ...Listen PYTs there is no issue with you looking cute. I love clothes and style and am overdressed for work at least 4 out of 5 days. That fifth day is rough!! But the problem lies in your substance solely being your looks.  If you can't actually walk in a pair of shoes, it is probably a good idea NOT to wear them. Specially when I am late for a meeting and I am trying to go around your perky and small BUT molasses ass. I want to love you PYT, you need some loving... actually you need some working PYT!!!! They are distracting for everyone, even for me. It's hard not to stare when they have see thru clothing on...PLEASE LADIES NO WHITE UNDERWEAR UNDER WHITE GARMENTS!!! IT NEEDS TO BE NUDE AND SEAMLESS!!! (You're welcome) ...or even the sashaying can be quite mesmerizing specially around 2PM when my energy is on a downward slope!  The good thing about PYTs is that they won't last long.  They come and go and new batches of hair twirlers take their place.  Pretty Young Things Repeat after me: sing na nana nana.... hey hey hey GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!



5) The Off the Wall types:

These are the best people to work with. When the world is on your shoulders gotta straighten up your act and boogie down. They remind you after a shitty day that this is only a job. There is more to life than the BS that happens at work. Let's not kid ourselves peepos there is BS at every job. But it is the people we meet in the midst of it all, which help us cope. Cause we're the party people night and day. Living crazy that's the only way. They may be a little out there at times, but their intentions are always good. They may be the loud types who always operate on a completely different decibel than the rest of the human race (AHEM! ME!)...you know what MJ says about that don't cha?! You can shout out all you want to...cause there ain't no sin in folks all gettin loud... We discuss with them what we do with our time when we put that 9-5 on the shelf. They are our sounding board before a tough meeting or review. They help us when we need it, and yes we do gossip. The difference is we keep our gossip to ourselves, we don't spread rumors or try to get others in trouble AKA a little something I call decency! Life aint so bad at all...when you are living off the wall...

We spend most of our time at work socializing with the other animals in the zoo. Not all of us can be the fun easy going animals. Awww look at the giraffes! The zoo will always need predators and there will be ones who succumb to the treacherous nature of these very astute animales. For you, my dear reader, I envision a different fate. There is no shame in being fooled, it's what happens in round 2 that matters.  Unfortunetely ignoring the animals doesn't always work. So I say go ahead provoke the animals, feed them if you dare.  Fisty cups up... it's time to take your workplace back.

*** NO PYTs OR ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE WRITING OF THIS POST!

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!