I am already regretting writing this post and it hasn't even started yet!!! Okay...heeeeeeeere we go. The world needs skanks. Sluts. Easy lays. Groupies...or as my beloved MJ said a Dirty Diana or two....sorry my real life non-slutty Diana!! CRINGEEEE!!! I know I can't believe I said it either. But it is true. Which is why I needed to write about it and you my dearest reader needs to know!!!
Two days ago I was on the train and I watched a clusterfuck of little skankaroos walk by me. Nice thong...I wonder if I could find it at victoria's secret in turqouise? Hmmm...mental note for later. You seduce every man, this time you won't seduce me. Unlike men, we aren't mesmerized by a little cheeky action. Sometimes we are amused, but most of the time it is a comparison tool for us ladies. Sure she may have a great ass, but her face isn't so great. I'd rather have a nice face than a great ass. Plus I'd also rather be chlymedia free but hey I am old fashioned like that. When a skank enters the room, everybody notices. Especially if it is HALLOWEEN!!! But since it is June how was I sooo sure that the vag posse was skanky?!
I say, there are a few sure signs to spotting and identifying a skankasoreous! (A drunk stranger called me that once!! OUUUCH! Below the belt, but the term changed my life. Thank you lady with the mullet on the LIRR circa 2003) The first sign is appearance, but specifically clothes. <Side Rant: I am so sick and tired of hearing people say "just because I dress like a slut, doesn't mean I am one!" Morons YOUR BUS IS LEAVING! Get off the high horse and cut the shit. That is one of the most idiotic things a woman can ever say. It is like saying just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I am a female. REALLY? Because actually that's exactly what it means! Why would you dress like a slut if you aren't one?!> I am not talking quality of clothing here, but quantity and density. Is skankypoo #1 wearing just a shirt and trying to pass it as a dress? (Quantity) Is she wearing a see thru shirt AND trying to also pass it as a dress? (Quantity & Density) The second sign is an affinity for glorified sluts like Marilyn Monroe, Lil Kim or pretty much anyone in the Lady Marmalade video...remember x-tina's assless chaps in her dirrrty vid?! Exactly, now I know you feels me homes! Sorry LiLo but if skankypoo #2 is sporting a marilyn tat or a nipple cover it's a wrap!! The third sign are the tramp tales. Skankypoo #3 is DTF tonight and she wants you to know about it. It's ladies' night every night for these connoisseurs of ill repute...only they invite M.V.P. to da party!! (OMG I can't wait to see what grenades they find in Italia!!! Molto Bene indeed!!!) The fourth and final sign to spot a skank is of course, to walk into a crowded room, and yell it. See who turns around. What great fun that would be!!! Something tells me you'd get lots of heads to turn in the unlikeliest of places!!!
Skanypoos are people too, with real feelings and fake hair extensions. Believe it or not we actually do need them around. Why you ponder?! Well first of all we use them to feel better about ourselves. I know I do. Just as I am trekking thru penn station wondering if my dress is too short for the day's meeting, I see a 12 year old whose hem line makes mine look like I'm amish. Well that's clearly no longer an issue. SCORE! The second reason why we need Dirty Dianas is because musicians need to smoosh too!! It's a given. Like an MJ song that comes on your ipod during shuffle. You never skip over it! DUH! She likes the boys in the band. She knows when they come to town. Every musician's fan after the curtain comes down. I want my rock stars to pound as much vag as they need to keep making great music. That’s real talk. The third reason is the economy. Who knew the GDP and the lady parts were so intertwined?!! Now...I am no Ben Bernanke, but skanks are heavily contributing to the economic recovery. If it weren't for them who would work at Hooters? Yeah I said it. But strip clubs is probably more accurate, which in case you didn't know are extremely lucrative! She's saying that's Ok, hey baby do what you want. I'll be your night lovin' thing. I'll be the freak you can taunt. To be fair, I think Hooters is a fun place and I realize not everyone who works there is a skank. I wish for just one day to work there and see the peens up close and personal. I would absolutely put "Dirty Diana" on my name tag. What a great blog post that would be eh?!? Additional contributions include buying skankylicious clothes, which creates jobs; increasing revenue of companies like trojan, monistat and vidal sassoon. Yo these bitches gotta stay fresh to death!!!
My adult life I've spent a lot of time smack talking the skanks and not realizing their true value to our society. There is an annual "slut walk" that brings that same awareness to thousands of others...Oh yea that is 100% for reals peeps! I am sorry skankypoos I just didn't know...I've Been Here Times Before But I Was Too Blind To See...Their message has always been simple: I'll Be Your Everything If You Make Me A Star To the skanks of the world: May all your dreams come true. Now I better go sign up for that walk before it fills up!!!!
As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!
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