The (wo)man in the mirror

Remember when you were younger and you thought you could change the world?! I actually thought I could. I am passionate, I am smart, I am a hard worker what else do you need to change the world? Well maybe a red cape...actually pink is really more my style...I am good to go homie! It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference gonna make it right.

More like yea right. As soon as I joined the work force I felt that desire drown in the endless depths of my ambition. I had a taste of what it was like to have my own money and use it for whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I grew up in a broken dysfunctional home but I always got what I asked for. Shortly after my 15th birthday I was informed by Castro (my very affectionate nickname for my father) that the good times were gonna stop rolling. He ingrained the notion of providing for myself and not relying on a man so deep in my psyche that years later I still feel its effects. A willow deeply scarred...

 He wanted me to be responsible and appreciate things more because I would know the type of effort it took to attain it. I lost my mind at first and we had a serious stand off for weeks. Bay of pigs serious. Sounded like a good strategy and admirable parenting. Sure, until I got some money from working at the bagel store on weekends, but that wasn't enough and now I was starting to go out with my friends...hmm what to do...Oh I know!! I am going to work another job maybe just 2 nights a week at Sweezey's. HOLLA PATCHOGUE PEEPS!! I was so money hungry I took a job in the lingerie department (think complete opposite of victoria's secret) measuring the naked fleshy and plump lady lumps of women usually in their 70's. What was a girl to do?! I needed money for all the school functions, going out, school trips, cute outfits, proms, the car I had gotten...it makes me cringe to think I used to complain about the price of gas back then. I'd literally go to the gas station and put in $4.35 in my 1983 ford thunderbird tank. White leather seats bitches. Annnnnd I've digressed.

For awhile that moola seemed to keep me out of the red, but before I knew it...there I was at my third job at the Patchogue pool sweeping sand. This continued after high school as I came to accept that having 3 jobs was perfectly normal. Who sets what's normal anyway?! Whatevs...It seems so simple when you are younger and you know so much. I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love. I felt that while my father's intentions were good, I became a complete work-a-holic mostly because of the money I was raking in.  I didn't really need to work this much....did I?! It's time that I realize that there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan.

I felt guilty that I was so lucky and could comfortably provide for myself while there were others who were homeless and suffering specially veterans. Who am I to be blind pretending not to see their need? They follow each other on the wind ya' know 'cause they got nowhere to go.  This desire to do more in the public sector came when I least expected it and with a job offer to work for a local politician. I left my good paying job in the city to make a difference in my community. Sounded great?! Right?! For a little while it was. I met so many amazing constituents who touched my soul and will never be forgotten in my mind. A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top, and a one man's soul.  They showed me something I had never quite experienced, humanity. The politician I worked for was a Vietnam Vet himself and he gave me the opportunity to help local veterans who weren't as fortunate as he and my husband had been.  Together we implemented and executed so many events and met and heard the stories of WWII and Vietnam along the way. It was like my own version of the history channel but without the cheesy re-enactments. Unfortunately I wasn't cut out for that sector. I was results oriented in a pool of civil servants who didn't use email (GASP! What's bbm?) and worked within a system that doesn't reward based upon achievement but instead who you are affiliated with politically. Incompetency was a disease that had infected almost all the staff. If you are incompetent you shouldn't be in the ring. At least not with me, because I am not known for being too tolerant of mediocrity. That's real talk peeps.

I never missed being a corporate slave so much! It was clear to me that while my desire to make a difference was strong, my desire to be a well compensated, successful business woman within corporate America was much much stronger.  I like a goal and then results. I thrive under structure, order, a competitive environment and a bottom line. I went back to the city and reassumed my position with the pack.

I still privately yearned to make a difference. Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone? Couldn't I do both?! I went back and forth on this notion for awhile and it took me some time to realize what my purpose in life is. WOA! That's a serious statement for a serious thursday.  Shall I re-phrase? It took me some time to realize what my purpose in life could be. We are bombarded with images of Africa or Haiti and immediately align that with "making a difference" MJ is the perfect example. He was quite the humanitarian when it comes to children and the environment. But was that really his biggest contribution? 

This predicament is like regular skittles vs sour skittles. It is hard to really decide because it just comes down to taste. I say MJ's true purpose was to be a brilliant song-writer and performer. He transformed so many lives including mine with his incredible gift. The first time I heard Man in the Mirror it resonated with me, as I am sure with millions of other peeps. I've had a few challenges in the past where I've had to dig deep and have always found this song to be instrumental in doing that. The older I get the more I realize how hard it is physically, mentally and socially to really grab what you want out of life by the balls. Some of us don't prepare for the difficult journey and loosen the grip much too soon.

MJ's masterpieces needed the right vehicles and business people to be brought to life. I may never be the perpetual red cross volunteer, or the stay at home wife/mom, because ultimately that's not where I believe my biggest contribution lies. One can find what their strengths are, and use them to be and make the change they want to see. That's why I'm starting with me. The truth is I believe I can merge my love & passion for business, with success and still find a way to make a change the way so many corporate dudes helped MJ. I gotta get it right, while I got the time  A trip to Africa or Haiti would still be awesome but would no longer be the defining factor in my desire to contribute. Thanks Mike. And no message could have been any clearer if you wanna make the world a better place. Take a look at yourself and then make a change.

 RIP MJ ~ You will always be missed.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!