Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda

Check baby check baby 1,2,3,4....I remember the first time I watched the movie Selena. I was like good gracious ass is bodacious!! It must be padded. I actually had to watch it twice because the first time, I felt like I was under the spell of a big booty and endless mounds of white spandex. Wait she dies?! Shit what did I miss?! And of course the world was introduced to what we now know as the most beautiful woman in the world. Now since you got the body of the year, come and get the award. Luckily it stuck, and slowly but surely more "curvy" ladies came to the scene. I love that as a society we refer to a normal size as curvy! Have you seen JLo's abs? All 25 of them? Exactly. That's not curvy. The new jloration of junk in da trunk is a nod to a pioneer who was onto something before America could ever conceive of such a concept. Sir Mix-a-lot today, we say thank you.

Growing up I always knew I was destined to have a flat butt, Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda. But boy did I try to change my destiny! I actually used to think that if I practiced the moves of bootylicious beauties on mtv I'd dance my way to a rounder plumper bum. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.  I had all the makings of a killer infomercial: 1) a desperate and completely delusional subject, 2) an unattainable goal, and 3) a ridiculous solution to achieve it. Daaaaaaamn! Why didn't I market that?! Shake shake shake, shake your booty.  I am still shaking it...hoping and wishing...maybe someday...

My days at Gap taught me so much about the rear-end struggles so many females experience daily (and a few gents 'oh sorry I am not trying to be fresh with you I just want to make sure it fits'... And that's how I got away with touching hot guys all day long!) Unfortunately a lot of mass retailers still don't manufacture little in the middle but much back styles, and Gap sorry to break it to you, but this means you! That curvy BS is not cutting it! Despite all the denim disasters (as jeans was specially difficult for these apple bottom babes) almost all of them unequivocally loved their fleshy lady lump! So ladies (YEA!) Ladies (YEA!) Turn around stick it out. Even white boys got to shout...

On the walk to work every morning I enjoy a bevy of wardrobe malfunctions that are both amusing and educational. Every now and then I encounter a derriere that causes me to stare uncontrollably. What?! Cause I am a woman I can't take in a nice b-double-o-t-y-OH-MY?! Bitch please. As I walk and stare I think she got an ass like Serena, Trina, Jennifer Lopez. I don't care what none of y'all say I still love her....get down girl go ahead get down. It's not hard to understand why men have such a hard time around an oakland booty. Gluteus Maximus appreciation is universal: Across languages: Has me el favor y meneate chica tienes tremendo CULO! Across races: Take the average black man and ask him that she gotta pack much back. Across social class: Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that azz up. Across gender: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Across various geographical regions: New York, Bel Air, Miami, Alabama, Tennessee, New Jersey, Boston, Augusta, Atlanta like them girls in dazzy duks...showing leg and a little butt cheek. An entire industry was created around enhancing the bubble...THONGS!! For ladies who got dumps like a truck, truck truck, baby move your butt...I think I'll sing it again.... (OMG DRU HILLL!!! Memssss!!!!! But I'll save them for another post!!)

When it comes to a delicious bumpasarous I don't discriminate and can appreciate a nice male's. Equal opportunity for everyone!!! (Congratulations gay New Yorkers!!! Rejoice and propose!!) Since they are not as common as their female counterparts, they always seem to come out of nowhere. Of course I am not referring to the fat guy down the street who mows his lawn in Levi's that are 2 sizes too small. Yea you got one of those too eh? Crack is always wack. Believe dat. I am talking about the cute guy who is already scoring high on the scale and then the backside seals the deal. Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back. Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that. 

Music has been celebrating the rear end since back in the day. In 1978 we heard Freddie reaffirm that fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go round. Then came hip hop and it immediately established a very definitive taste for the lower region of the female anatomy.  It educated America and the rest of the world on the beautiful rainbow variety of money makers (by the way I am still waiting for mine to generate me some!) Who could forget when LL dumped his cutie for Trina because she got a big ole butt. But that wasn't enough for the most lip licks per minute man. He dumped Trina because Brenda apparently had a slightly more appealing big ole butt. And then he was on his way to a Red Lobster and what do ya know?! Shrimp and steak wasn't the only thing cookin'...so of course his waitress Lisa also had...well you know how it ends don't cha...? Endless tail feather shakers instantly kick a so-so celebration into high gear. Women love liberating party anthems about their assets while wiggling it just a little bit; for men its a chance to say filthy things that may never get an appropriate forum in the "real world" otherwise. For example could you imagine a man saying: Cause I'm long, and I'm strong And I'm down to get the friction on... anywhere other than a dance floor? Of course no song makes men and women appreciate a big ass like Sir Mix-a-lot's Baby Got Back. It's nostalgic of a time where Fonda and Flo Jo were relevant and high pants and scrunchies were in! Anthony Ray was a genius who was ahead of his time and who will forever be a part of our culture.

As 4th of July approaches, I can't help but think about our rights as independent booty loving americanos. It's a time of fireworks, chips and dip I put my hand upon your hips when I dip you dip, we dip; burgers, hot dogs, and endless buns! So today my dear reader we are filing this under the necessary and proper clause of our constitutional rights. Yea I said it! It's very necessary to honor the big butts of New York. As we head to the beaches for the holiday weekend take time to appreciate the natural beauty of our well-endowed neighbors (or possibly your own) and be grateful that we live in a nation where we can show our big fat juicy asses and a jelly belly like me can write about it!! And remember...never trust a big butt and a smile!

Thank you to our men and women serving in our military.
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**I am introducing the JAM of the week. Every week I will recommend a song to download for your listening pleasure which may or may not be related to the post or even popular. Enjoy!

JAM OF THE WEEK: Wish I didn't miss you - Angie Stone

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!