What would Jesus do?!?

There are two kinds of people in the world. People who love Jesus and people who don't. If that's true, then do I not exist. I don't love the capital H.I.M. But I don't hate H.I.M. Does this make me a bad person? Religion to me is one of the most fascinating phenoms of the world. Kind of like people who question the appeal of the guidos at the shore, the macarena or jelly shoes, I question the concept of religion as a whole and struggle to understand its mesmerizing strong grip on millions around the world. I've been thinking about this topic for a very long time but hesitated because of various reasons: offending people who take the time to read this blog; friends of mine whom honestly believe I am a rotten human being because I don't exercise daily by walking with the lord; and finally; I really wanted to see how that whole May 21 "end of the days" shiz played out. You can never be too cautious! But I hope that you know dear reader, it is not my intention to be gratuitously offensive but rather to express my true and honest feelings. I don't have all the answers and what opinion I state in this forum is solely based on my experiences and reactions to them. So sit back, grab a latte (or some water with lemon if on a SERIOUS diet like moi) because we are kicking it for Christ in this post! JC in da house!!!!!

Sweet home Alabama lord I'm coming home to you...does your conscious bother you? Tell the truth. Okay Lynyrd, yes it bothers me slightly. Mostly because all I want to do is understand the how's and why's but nobody gots answers for me. They all come across as raving lunatics (that says something coming from this lunatic) so I have no choice but to judge them. My parents were catholic and I remember my momma used to say only Jesus can save us...well momma I know I act a fool but I'll be gone 'til november I got packs to move. My father always kept an old bible on his night stand. He read it quite often and went to church every sunday with a reluctant tween in tow. When I turned around 11 or 12 and started to realize the power of "oh dad I wish I could but I just have sooo much homework to do..." I absolutely milked that shiz! The only thing more important to my father than JC was education. It's funny but I don't ever recall my parents ever asking if I was interested in being a Catholic or going to church. I guess they just assumed I would do it because that's what we "catholics" do.  It is about tradition and ritual.  That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight... losing my religion. Trying to keep up with you, and I don't know if I can do it. My father was a model Catholic. If by model you mean he did the exact opposite of what Catholicism teaches. You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself: (he was heavily racist toward African Americans) which is quite amusing since the word catholic literally means 'all embracing/broad scope'; You shall not commit adultery: (he and my mother separated, he "dated" some other biotch, and now he is back with my mother. Annnnnd I am pretty sure I have a half brother somewhere in the tri-state area); You shall not take the name of the Lord in vain: (now you know where I get it from!); Fast and abstain on the days appointed: (we weren't known for skipping any meals especially those involving a cow.) Never been a sinner. I never sinned. I got a friend in Jesus. So you know that when I die, he's gonna set me up with the spirit in the sky.  

 

Did you write the book of love? And do you have faith in god above? If the bible tells you so...and do you believe in rock & roll ? Can music save your mortal soul?!  Well Don, I am glad you asked! I didn't write the book of love, I pass on the second question, I do 100% believe in rock and roll and I really do think music has saved me and my mortal soul in more ways than I can ever attempt to account for.  Religious people always say they feel God, they have faith in Jesus, they just know. Like that dude JUST knew May 21 was the end. Gonna listen to my 45's, ain't it wonderful to be alive when the rock & roll plays...The only thing I feel 100% in my bones is rock and roll. I don't have to have faith in it because music is tangible, and the proof is in the mp3 pudding (back in the days it was an LP pudding) I got as far as my communion, and had a justice of peace marry us in front of a few family and friends. Going to a church felt like it was someone else's wedding, not mine. As a youngin I felt trapped in a religion that was my father's. I recently heard someone say the term 'recovering catholic' and as soon as I heard it I could immediately relate. I am on the path to recovery. Well they showed you a statue and told you to pray. They built you a temple and locked you away. Ah but they never told you the price that you pay for things that you might have done.  Excuse me a moment I need to call Betty Ford.

 

My boo and I have known a very religious friend since high school. He was always the life of the party, the kid who made you laugh until you peed your pants. He could easily step in and do an SNL skit at 30 Rock on a saturday night. He is that funny. He is a Born Again Christian who takes capital H.I.M. high, low, he takes JC wherever he go. I have noticed that his humor and his personality have taken a back seat to his religion. Now I want to make clear this is my perception, and I don't spend every second of every day with him to prove that statement. Real talk is now in effect. I don't feel like we have as much in common as we used to (gym class) and find myself doing a Fat Joe when I am around him and his family.  I often censor myself when I first meet people, but I don't like having to do it with someone I've known since 1999. When the talk turns to church or god (and it often does) I lean back and do the rockaway because I want no part. I feel the judgement of not being part of the flock, and I am not sure what they find more disturbing: that I am a catholic, or that I am a catholic who isn't religious and questions God. Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. But what's puzzling you? Is it the nature of my game?

The funny thing is that the conversations are always polite and are delivered with a smile, but I certainly have a whole other perception of what I think is really happening: they feel bad for me because I am a sinner. I can't be myself without beind judged...that seems rather unfair in a friendship no? I am not the one going to church every week vowing not to judge others. But what people of faith (at least the ones I've come across) don't really admit is: it's not okay to judge each other just those not like them. Like the horrendous gays, or the baby killers, or the servicemen and women of our military. It's open season when it comes to them. The truth is I am a sinner and I will forever rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. We ain't too pretty we ain't too proud. We might be laughing a bit too loud... With them I never feel out of place. Is there a place for the hopeless sinner?! No Mr. Marley I guess there isn't. Going down, party time. My friends are gonna be there too. I am on the highway to hell.

I decided that perhaps I was feeling this way because I needed to be better 'informed'. I thought that perhaps learning more about evangelicals would lead to more understanding and less judgement of my dear friend (whom I truly do love) and his flock. Guess what actually ended up happening?! The exact opposite. FML!!!! Ooops sorry Jesus, I mean God, or is it Lord? I never know which one I am supposed to use. And why is it Hail Mary? Shouldn't you be Hailing Jesus or God or Christ or the Lord or Savior, Omnipotent one...

Please come back tomorrow for the conclusion of this post, and find out how my 'research' went. It's what Jesus would do!

The (wo)man in the mirror

Remember when you were younger and you thought you could change the world?! I actually thought I could. I am passionate, I am smart, I am a hard worker what else do you need to change the world? Well maybe a red cape...actually pink is really more my style...I am good to go homie! It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference gonna make it right.

More like yea right. As soon as I joined the work force I felt that desire drown in the endless depths of my ambition. I had a taste of what it was like to have my own money and use it for whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I grew up in a broken dysfunctional home but I always got what I asked for. Shortly after my 15th birthday I was informed by Castro (my very affectionate nickname for my father) that the good times were gonna stop rolling. He ingrained the notion of providing for myself and not relying on a man so deep in my psyche that years later I still feel its effects. A willow deeply scarred...

 He wanted me to be responsible and appreciate things more because I would know the type of effort it took to attain it. I lost my mind at first and we had a serious stand off for weeks. Bay of pigs serious. Sounded like a good strategy and admirable parenting. Sure, until I got some money from working at the bagel store on weekends, but that wasn't enough and now I was starting to go out with my friends...hmm what to do...Oh I know!! I am going to work another job maybe just 2 nights a week at Sweezey's. HOLLA PATCHOGUE PEEPS!! I was so money hungry I took a job in the lingerie department (think complete opposite of victoria's secret) measuring the naked fleshy and plump lady lumps of women usually in their 70's. What was a girl to do?! I needed money for all the school functions, going out, school trips, cute outfits, proms, the car I had gotten...it makes me cringe to think I used to complain about the price of gas back then. I'd literally go to the gas station and put in $4.35 in my 1983 ford thunderbird tank. White leather seats bitches. Annnnnd I've digressed.

For awhile that moola seemed to keep me out of the red, but before I knew it...there I was at my third job at the Patchogue pool sweeping sand. This continued after high school as I came to accept that having 3 jobs was perfectly normal. Who sets what's normal anyway?! Whatevs...It seems so simple when you are younger and you know so much. I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love. I felt that while my father's intentions were good, I became a complete work-a-holic mostly because of the money I was raking in.  I didn't really need to work this much....did I?! It's time that I realize that there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan.

I felt guilty that I was so lucky and could comfortably provide for myself while there were others who were homeless and suffering specially veterans. Who am I to be blind pretending not to see their need? They follow each other on the wind ya' know 'cause they got nowhere to go.  This desire to do more in the public sector came when I least expected it and with a job offer to work for a local politician. I left my good paying job in the city to make a difference in my community. Sounded great?! Right?! For a little while it was. I met so many amazing constituents who touched my soul and will never be forgotten in my mind. A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top, and a one man's soul.  They showed me something I had never quite experienced, humanity. The politician I worked for was a Vietnam Vet himself and he gave me the opportunity to help local veterans who weren't as fortunate as he and my husband had been.  Together we implemented and executed so many events and met and heard the stories of WWII and Vietnam along the way. It was like my own version of the history channel but without the cheesy re-enactments. Unfortunately I wasn't cut out for that sector. I was results oriented in a pool of civil servants who didn't use email (GASP! What's bbm?) and worked within a system that doesn't reward based upon achievement but instead who you are affiliated with politically. Incompetency was a disease that had infected almost all the staff. If you are incompetent you shouldn't be in the ring. At least not with me, because I am not known for being too tolerant of mediocrity. That's real talk peeps.

I never missed being a corporate slave so much! It was clear to me that while my desire to make a difference was strong, my desire to be a well compensated, successful business woman within corporate America was much much stronger.  I like a goal and then results. I thrive under structure, order, a competitive environment and a bottom line. I went back to the city and reassumed my position with the pack.

I still privately yearned to make a difference. Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone? Couldn't I do both?! I went back and forth on this notion for awhile and it took me some time to realize what my purpose in life is. WOA! That's a serious statement for a serious thursday.  Shall I re-phrase? It took me some time to realize what my purpose in life could be. We are bombarded with images of Africa or Haiti and immediately align that with "making a difference" MJ is the perfect example. He was quite the humanitarian when it comes to children and the environment. But was that really his biggest contribution? 

This predicament is like regular skittles vs sour skittles. It is hard to really decide because it just comes down to taste. I say MJ's true purpose was to be a brilliant song-writer and performer. He transformed so many lives including mine with his incredible gift. The first time I heard Man in the Mirror it resonated with me, as I am sure with millions of other peeps. I've had a few challenges in the past where I've had to dig deep and have always found this song to be instrumental in doing that. The older I get the more I realize how hard it is physically, mentally and socially to really grab what you want out of life by the balls. Some of us don't prepare for the difficult journey and loosen the grip much too soon.

MJ's masterpieces needed the right vehicles and business people to be brought to life. I may never be the perpetual red cross volunteer, or the stay at home wife/mom, because ultimately that's not where I believe my biggest contribution lies. One can find what their strengths are, and use them to be and make the change they want to see. That's why I'm starting with me. The truth is I believe I can merge my love & passion for business, with success and still find a way to make a change the way so many corporate dudes helped MJ. I gotta get it right, while I got the time  A trip to Africa or Haiti would still be awesome but would no longer be the defining factor in my desire to contribute. Thanks Mike. And no message could have been any clearer if you wanna make the world a better place. Take a look at yourself and then make a change.

 RIP MJ ~ You will always be missed.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Dirty Diana

  
 

I am already regretting writing this post and it hasn't even started yet!!! Okay...heeeeeeeere we go. The world needs skanks. Sluts. Easy lays. Groupies...or as my beloved MJ said a Dirty Diana or two....sorry my real life non-slutty Diana!! CRINGEEEE!!! I know I can't believe I said it either. But it is true. Which is why I needed to write about it and you my dearest reader needs to know!!!

Two days ago I was on the train and I watched a clusterfuck of little skankaroos walk by me. Nice thong...I wonder if I could find it at victoria's secret in turqouise? Hmmm...mental note for later. You seduce every man, this time you won't seduce me. Unlike men, we aren't mesmerized by a little cheeky action. Sometimes we are amused, but most of the time it is a comparison tool for us ladies. Sure she may have a great ass, but her face isn't so great. I'd rather have a nice face than a great ass. Plus I'd also rather be chlymedia free but hey I am old fashioned like that. When a skank enters the room, everybody notices. Especially if it is HALLOWEEN!!! But since it is June how was I sooo sure that the vag posse was skanky?! 

I say, there are a few sure signs to spotting and identifying a skankasoreous! (A drunk stranger called me that once!! OUUUCH! Below the belt, but the term changed my life. Thank you lady with the mullet on the LIRR circa 2003) The first sign is appearance, but specifically clothes. <Side Rant: I am so sick and tired of hearing people say "just because I dress like a slut, doesn't mean I am one!" Morons YOUR BUS IS LEAVING! Get off the high horse and cut the shit. That is one of the most idiotic things a woman can ever say. It is like saying just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I am a female. REALLY? Because actually that's exactly what it means! Why would you dress like a slut if you aren't one?!> I am not talking quality of clothing here, but quantity and density. Is skankypoo #1 wearing just a shirt and trying to pass it as a dress? (Quantity) Is she wearing a see thru shirt AND trying to also pass it as a dress? (Quantity & Density) The second sign is an affinity for glorified sluts like Marilyn Monroe, Lil Kim or pretty much anyone in the Lady Marmalade video...remember x-tina's assless chaps in her dirrrty vid?! Exactly, now I know you feels me homes! Sorry LiLo but if skankypoo #2 is sporting a marilyn tat or a nipple cover it's a wrap!! The third sign are the tramp tales. Skankypoo #3 is DTF tonight and she wants you to know about it. It's ladies' night every night for these connoisseurs of ill repute...only they invite M.V.P. to da party!! (OMG I can't wait to see what grenades they find in Italia!!!  Molto Bene indeed!!!) The fourth and final sign to spot a skank is of course, to walk into a crowded room, and yell it. See who turns around.  What great fun that would be!!! Something tells me you'd get lots of heads to turn in the unlikeliest of places!!! 

Skanypoos are people too, with real feelings and fake hair extensions. Believe it or not we actually do need them around. Why you ponder?! Well first of all we use them to feel better about ourselves. I know I do. Just as I am trekking thru penn station wondering if my dress is too short for the day's meeting, I see a 12 year old whose hem line makes mine look like I'm amish. Well that's clearly no longer an issue. SCORE! The second reason why we need Dirty Dianas is because musicians need to smoosh too!! It's a given. Like an MJ song that comes on your ipod during shuffle. You never skip over it! DUH! She likes the boys in the band. She knows when they come to town. Every musician's fan after the curtain comes down. I want my rock stars to pound as much vag as they need to keep making great music. That’s real talk. The third reason is the economy. Who knew the GDP and the lady parts were so intertwined?!! Now...I am no Ben Bernanke, but skanks are heavily contributing to the economic recovery. If it weren't for them who would work at Hooters? Yeah I said it. But strip clubs is probably more accurate, which in case you didn't know are extremely lucrative! She's saying that's Ok, hey baby do what you want. I'll be your night lovin' thing. I'll be the freak you can taunt. To be fair, I think Hooters is a fun place and I realize not everyone who works there is a skank. I wish for just one day to work there and see the peens up close and personal. I would absolutely put "Dirty Diana" on my name tag. What a great blog post that would be eh?!? Additional contributions include buying skankylicious clothes, which creates jobs; increasing revenue of companies like trojan, monistat and vidal sassoon. Yo these bitches gotta stay fresh to death!!!

My adult life I've spent a lot of time smack talking the skanks and not realizing their true value to our society. There is an annual "slut walk" that brings that same awareness to thousands of others...Oh yea that is 100% for reals peeps! I am sorry skankypoos I just didn't know...I've Been Here Times Before But I Was Too Blind To See...Their message has always been simple: I'll Be Your Everything If You Make Me A Star To the skanks of the world: May all your dreams come true. Now I better go sign up for that walk before it fills up!!!!

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Work Nature

 The constant gum popping. The disgusting fish for lunch. FISH SHOULD NOT EVER BE MICROWAVED IN AN OFFICE. The knowledge they refuse to share with everyone else. The hyena laugh. They jump into your phone conversations as if they are the ones on the other end. The way they say good morning when you are 5 minutes late, as if you have personally wronged them. The non-stop complaining about everything from what to get for lunch (who you kiddin bitch you know you're gonna get pizza) to a sun burn (I am so sun burnt wah wah...hey asshole have you heard of sunscreen?!!) The hacking up of a lung. Basically just their existence is enough to make you want to go all mortal kombat on their asses all the time...is it just human nature to act this way?! No friends, this is work nature.  Unfortunetely for us grunts, we have to work to sustain a decent way of living = we have no choice but to endure 40+ hours a week of these shenanigans. It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes ALL to work in an office.

There are 5 basic types of people we work with. We all know them. They may be men, women, black, white, asian, latino, skinny bitches and salad dodgers, but their basic work personality is almost exactly the same across the board.

1) The Wanna be starting something types:

I want to start with this very special specimen of co-worker. We mistakenly  believe they show up everyday to do the same shit you do: Work! DUH! Oh but actually they have a super secret handbook that describes their actual job as 'fanning the flames of office politics' That IS their J.O.B. Conversations that occur within a 100 feet: fair game. Talkin' stealin' lyin' sayin' you just wanna be starting something. You gotta be starting something don't ya? Ohhh emmmm geeee I heard Chloe say the word quit. She is absolutely going on interviews. I heard her last day is next week. Should we have a going away party? Oh and that reminds me don't expect Lauren to come because I heard her say she didn't feel good...mhmm...You know what that means...I saw her walking out with Christian the other day... PREGGO. Have you seen the baby bump?! Out of control. You know who else is out of control?! YOU wanna be starting something type! You take any small shred of information and twist it in the most ridic ways possible. Chloe actually said 'wit' as in something you lack, Lauren had pasta at lunch with 2 cookies and Christian is gay. You love to pretend that you're good, when you're always up to no good. For these types, starting trouble is a serious part of their job description. The hardest part is understanding that they are too high to get over and too low to get under. You're stuck in the middle, but the pain doesn't have to be thunder. Once you identify these grimmy deuchingtons it is easier to deal with their talkin' cryin' hustlin' stealin' lyin' because the reality is, they will never change. But you can call those bitches bluff...Help Me Sing It, Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa


2) The Leave me alone types:

The salty peanuts. So salty you feel it right in the back of your jaw. Oh yea...you knows what I bees saying. They have already put in their time and are just waiting until the misery ends. They have seen it all come and go, and then come again. Including their good looks and warm manner. Yea I said it. The spirit of life has been sucked out of them, and helping you in any way is not really part of their agenda. RIP to the salties. They are retired in place... I don't care what you talkin' 'bout baby I don't care what you say...oh what's that?! You got a great idea do ya?! That's great go tell it to someone who gives a shit. Sound familiar? There is an amazing phenomenon I once read about called the Peter Principle. I urge you to read about it. It has changed my work life, because as it turns out I know a saltylicious Peter who has put in many years and just wants to get on top of the desk and sing.... JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...heee heee... anytime I interrupt non-work related situations in that office. I am sorry I should know better than to interrupt coffee talk or your non-urgent family convos. Ain't no mountain that I can't climb baby all is going my way. Yes that is true because management can't fire you. So you are as salty as the ocean and get away with it. Don't You Get In My Way' Cause (There's A Time When You're Right) (And You Know You Must Fight) Who's Laughing Baby - Don't You Know? I guess you...Jesus Cristo I hope I never become a Peter.

3) The Smooth Criminal types:

Ahhh the repugnant serpents. Yea you know them. So nice to your face. Oh is that a new dress?! Looks great on you. All while you talk they are already working on ways to fuck you from midtown to harlem. They are the ones who run into your boss' office to ask about your whereabouts because they are 'so worried about you...' Annie are you okay?! So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal! They are as slimy as the week old cold cuts in the fridge. Ew. And yet nobody in the office seems to notice except you. Unlike the wanna be starting somethings who start trouble blatantly, being cunning and shady is an art form this co-worker treasures. The smooth criminal is endearing and helpful during the honeymoon phase. They gather info, see how you work and then without warning...BAM!!! Before you know it you got fucked, and you didn't even get dinner out of it!!! It is hard to identify who the SC's are right away. I've been fooled myself and can tell you some are truly experts at manipulation. My conclusion has been that usually their life is pathetic and meaningless in ways I can't even fathom.  Although it may take forevs for their true colors to show, eventually they do and the feeling of vindication is amazeballs!

4) The PYT types:

Ahhh the Pretty Young Things that walk around assuming hair twirling and sashaying from side to side will get them promoted. HA! Maybe if you are in HR because let's face it...what else could they possibly use as criteria for evaluation? Just keeping it 100. Where did you come from baby?! And ohhh won't you take me there?! ...Listen PYTs there is no issue with you looking cute. I love clothes and style and am overdressed for work at least 4 out of 5 days. That fifth day is rough!! But the problem lies in your substance solely being your looks.  If you can't actually walk in a pair of shoes, it is probably a good idea NOT to wear them. Specially when I am late for a meeting and I am trying to go around your perky and small BUT molasses ass. I want to love you PYT, you need some loving... actually you need some working PYT!!!! They are distracting for everyone, even for me. It's hard not to stare when they have see thru clothing on...PLEASE LADIES NO WHITE UNDERWEAR UNDER WHITE GARMENTS!!! IT NEEDS TO BE NUDE AND SEAMLESS!!! (You're welcome) ...or even the sashaying can be quite mesmerizing specially around 2PM when my energy is on a downward slope!  The good thing about PYTs is that they won't last long.  They come and go and new batches of hair twirlers take their place.  Pretty Young Things Repeat after me: sing na nana nana.... hey hey hey GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!



5) The Off the Wall types:

These are the best people to work with. When the world is on your shoulders gotta straighten up your act and boogie down. They remind you after a shitty day that this is only a job. There is more to life than the BS that happens at work. Let's not kid ourselves peepos there is BS at every job. But it is the people we meet in the midst of it all, which help us cope. Cause we're the party people night and day. Living crazy that's the only way. They may be a little out there at times, but their intentions are always good. They may be the loud types who always operate on a completely different decibel than the rest of the human race (AHEM! ME!)...you know what MJ says about that don't cha?! You can shout out all you want to...cause there ain't no sin in folks all gettin loud... We discuss with them what we do with our time when we put that 9-5 on the shelf. They are our sounding board before a tough meeting or review. They help us when we need it, and yes we do gossip. The difference is we keep our gossip to ourselves, we don't spread rumors or try to get others in trouble AKA a little something I call decency! Life aint so bad at all...when you are living off the wall...

We spend most of our time at work socializing with the other animals in the zoo. Not all of us can be the fun easy going animals. Awww look at the giraffes! The zoo will always need predators and there will be ones who succumb to the treacherous nature of these very astute animales. For you, my dear reader, I envision a different fate. There is no shame in being fooled, it's what happens in round 2 that matters.  Unfortunetely ignoring the animals doesn't always work. So I say go ahead provoke the animals, feed them if you dare.  Fisty cups up... it's time to take your workplace back.

*** NO PYTs OR ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE WRITING OF THIS POST!

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

She said I am the one...

Really this DUDE?!?!?

 She certainly wasn't a beauty queen from a movie scene. But that didn't stop the terminator from governating in someone else's lady wonder land. Other than his wife's. Or mistress', or goumada's, or main bitch...whatevs they are all just chicks anyway right Arnold?! "She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son..." he desperately says to Maria who is already crying those overly-dramatic Kennedy tears. Bitch please! Is anyone really surprised by any of this?! Arnold has been dancing on the floor in the round FOR YEARS. I guess it is hard to have respect for someone who always showed such little respect for women and also the art of acting ("I am the party pooper") EW. People told him be careful what you do...don't go around breaking young girls' hearts...but he just couldn't resist. Like a lot of men in our society today (not necessarily in power or famous) they commit adultery as often as they drop a deuce. It's 'just like part of our anatomy' they say. I says bullshit. They make a conscious decision to have whatever they want when they want it without regard for their spouses or girlfriends. Didn’t their mothers tell them be careful who you love and be careful what you do. Remember to always think twice. DO THINK TWICE.

 

I don't understand adultery. I imagine it happens like the beginning of one of MJ's treasures featured in this post. When I hear Billie Jean...an unstoppable chemical reaction takes over my body. As the beat drops I stop speaking and I just react. It happens slowly...first I am like OH yea with a head nod. Then slowly my hips begin to move. The shoulders, the always ill-timed MJ tossing dollars move comes in to play at about 20 seconds after my first CHIKAH! I love the high notes in the background...HEEEEE… HEEEE... And by the chorus I've already grabbed my crotch 3 times, attempted and failed miserably at the moon walk rocking like I got ants in mah pants. I just can't help myself. Is that how cheating is for men? Does it sort of just sneak up on them and their bodies take over their better judgment? She came and stood right by me then the smell of sweet perfume. This happened much too soon she called me to her room…Maybe the first time, but what about the other times?

I am going to getcha...

I'd love to go all Chris Hansen on men caught red-handed cheating and just simply ask...why? Elliot, Tiger, Bill, JFK, Jesse, Jude (also a fan of the nanny), Tony, Ryan,Hugh, Charlie…For forty days and forty nights the law was on her side but who can stand when she's in demand Is it the power? Is it the entitlement? Is it just about the sex? More sex? New sex? Different sex?  Many studies say it goes beyond sex. Is it the monotony of a life devoid of risk? Why not just get a divorce? Is it truly a physiological need? IT'S NOT A TUMOR! I'd like to make clear that I have absolutely no qualms against being a male slut. If chlamydia is what you are down for more power to ya! There are women stupid enough to have sex with you anyway. Suit yourself. What I don't understand is why these men get married in the first place. If you know you can't be trusted around a bush, then why marry one?! Be careful what you do cause the lie becomes the truth... Enough with the true lies!

But I thought I WAS YOUR MAIN BITCH?!?!

It is not a secret that men have been cheating since 1BC does not mean Before Christ. Some men say very openly and confidently that they NEED to cheat. Yea you read that right. They take care of their needs outside of the home so they can focus on their wife and children and be the best husband they can be. REALLY?! Wow aint that some shiz! You know what a good husband does? He doesn't cheat! And he also takes out the garbage. Then there's the 'we are not wired to be monogamous'. That is right! I am so glad you brought that up because we are not robots. As humans we make a conscious choice to be monogamous. Just like we control our urge to slap stupid people, rob banks just to go on a shopping spree, and say racist things even though we really think they are true. It is an art. A skill. A little somethin somethin known as self-control. I truly think there are some people who are worth putting in the effort. But I guess men are too busy being fuck tards to notice. And finally my favorite reason why 'allegedly' men cheat is that their wife drove them to it. Oh really?! Are you sure you weren't already a scum bag and a fight with your wife/or gfriend solidified your resolve and gave you the courage to do something you have been always down for? Uh huh that's what I thought...throw a dance on the floor in the round...

I have a theory that men cheat because they can and it is really THAT simple. I mean it is men we're talking about here. (Sorry peens that's real talk). They go somewhere, do their bidness, take a shower and they're done. The evidence is easily discarded. Just like a child who gets away with his first lie, men continue to go a little further each time until eventually they are so drunk with power they become invincible. Greek tragedy anyone?! Enter Arnold who like so many before him and probably after, shit where he eats, and he WILL BE BACK!! I mean what kind of balls do you have to have to keep something like that going for 20 years!!! Huge steel ones I imagine...I am slightly jealous. And all the coordination?! I mean guys let's be real for a hot minute, you can't multi-task but you can manage multiple bitches for over 20 years?! REALLY?!?! Did Maria know?! Of course she did!!! She told my baby we'd danced 'till three...Then she looked at me then showed a photo of a baby crying his eyes looked like mine... And this is the final part of my theory. Men do it because they know certain women (whether they admit it to themselves or not) will put up with just about any old fuckery to maintain what society tells us is the natural order of things. Marriage, white picket fence, kids, we basically force people to fake it till they make it. You don't even have to be married. I have met so many people in relationships defined as "better than being alone"... Men use this and go straight to the bank! Go on dance on the floor in the round, baby

I know what the hombres are thinking as they read this post. WTF women cheat too!! Yes they do but this post is about men as they are the primary offenders. Plus I will ALWAYS be loyal to mah bitches, don't get it twisted! So peens listen up, you want to know what takes real balls?! It takes balls to admit that thru no fault of either party the relationship is ending and you want to go your separate ways. It takes cajones to say I have self-control and enough respect for you to tell you that I no longer love you and want to have sexy time with someone else. It takes real fuckin balls to be a decent human being and tell the truth no matter how hard, how awkward, or what the consequences.

 

I feel badly for that roid spawn. It is bad enough when one parent cheats but to be the product of two adulterer parents must be difficult. He will undoubtedly one day cheat on a woman and continue the cycle. But until that day comes...let's hope nobody ever asks this poor child "who is your daddy and what does he do?!" Hasta la vista to his family pride and dignity.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

**In honor of MJ all posts for the next month will feature his amazing music!