She said I am the one...

Really this DUDE?!?!?

 She certainly wasn't a beauty queen from a movie scene. But that didn't stop the terminator from governating in someone else's lady wonder land. Other than his wife's. Or mistress', or goumada's, or main bitch...whatevs they are all just chicks anyway right Arnold?! "She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son..." he desperately says to Maria who is already crying those overly-dramatic Kennedy tears. Bitch please! Is anyone really surprised by any of this?! Arnold has been dancing on the floor in the round FOR YEARS. I guess it is hard to have respect for someone who always showed such little respect for women and also the art of acting ("I am the party pooper") EW. People told him be careful what you do...don't go around breaking young girls' hearts...but he just couldn't resist. Like a lot of men in our society today (not necessarily in power or famous) they commit adultery as often as they drop a deuce. It's 'just like part of our anatomy' they say. I says bullshit. They make a conscious decision to have whatever they want when they want it without regard for their spouses or girlfriends. Didn’t their mothers tell them be careful who you love and be careful what you do. Remember to always think twice. DO THINK TWICE.

 

I don't understand adultery. I imagine it happens like the beginning of one of MJ's treasures featured in this post. When I hear Billie Jean...an unstoppable chemical reaction takes over my body. As the beat drops I stop speaking and I just react. It happens slowly...first I am like OH yea with a head nod. Then slowly my hips begin to move. The shoulders, the always ill-timed MJ tossing dollars move comes in to play at about 20 seconds after my first CHIKAH! I love the high notes in the background...HEEEEE… HEEEE... And by the chorus I've already grabbed my crotch 3 times, attempted and failed miserably at the moon walk rocking like I got ants in mah pants. I just can't help myself. Is that how cheating is for men? Does it sort of just sneak up on them and their bodies take over their better judgment? She came and stood right by me then the smell of sweet perfume. This happened much too soon she called me to her room…Maybe the first time, but what about the other times?

I am going to getcha...

I'd love to go all Chris Hansen on men caught red-handed cheating and just simply ask...why? Elliot, Tiger, Bill, JFK, Jesse, Jude (also a fan of the nanny), Tony, Ryan,Hugh, Charlie…For forty days and forty nights the law was on her side but who can stand when she's in demand Is it the power? Is it the entitlement? Is it just about the sex? More sex? New sex? Different sex?  Many studies say it goes beyond sex. Is it the monotony of a life devoid of risk? Why not just get a divorce? Is it truly a physiological need? IT'S NOT A TUMOR! I'd like to make clear that I have absolutely no qualms against being a male slut. If chlamydia is what you are down for more power to ya! There are women stupid enough to have sex with you anyway. Suit yourself. What I don't understand is why these men get married in the first place. If you know you can't be trusted around a bush, then why marry one?! Be careful what you do cause the lie becomes the truth... Enough with the true lies!

But I thought I WAS YOUR MAIN BITCH?!?!

It is not a secret that men have been cheating since 1BC does not mean Before Christ. Some men say very openly and confidently that they NEED to cheat. Yea you read that right. They take care of their needs outside of the home so they can focus on their wife and children and be the best husband they can be. REALLY?! Wow aint that some shiz! You know what a good husband does? He doesn't cheat! And he also takes out the garbage. Then there's the 'we are not wired to be monogamous'. That is right! I am so glad you brought that up because we are not robots. As humans we make a conscious choice to be monogamous. Just like we control our urge to slap stupid people, rob banks just to go on a shopping spree, and say racist things even though we really think they are true. It is an art. A skill. A little somethin somethin known as self-control. I truly think there are some people who are worth putting in the effort. But I guess men are too busy being fuck tards to notice. And finally my favorite reason why 'allegedly' men cheat is that their wife drove them to it. Oh really?! Are you sure you weren't already a scum bag and a fight with your wife/or gfriend solidified your resolve and gave you the courage to do something you have been always down for? Uh huh that's what I thought...throw a dance on the floor in the round...

I have a theory that men cheat because they can and it is really THAT simple. I mean it is men we're talking about here. (Sorry peens that's real talk). They go somewhere, do their bidness, take a shower and they're done. The evidence is easily discarded. Just like a child who gets away with his first lie, men continue to go a little further each time until eventually they are so drunk with power they become invincible. Greek tragedy anyone?! Enter Arnold who like so many before him and probably after, shit where he eats, and he WILL BE BACK!! I mean what kind of balls do you have to have to keep something like that going for 20 years!!! Huge steel ones I imagine...I am slightly jealous. And all the coordination?! I mean guys let's be real for a hot minute, you can't multi-task but you can manage multiple bitches for over 20 years?! REALLY?!?! Did Maria know?! Of course she did!!! She told my baby we'd danced 'till three...Then she looked at me then showed a photo of a baby crying his eyes looked like mine... And this is the final part of my theory. Men do it because they know certain women (whether they admit it to themselves or not) will put up with just about any old fuckery to maintain what society tells us is the natural order of things. Marriage, white picket fence, kids, we basically force people to fake it till they make it. You don't even have to be married. I have met so many people in relationships defined as "better than being alone"... Men use this and go straight to the bank! Go on dance on the floor in the round, baby

I know what the hombres are thinking as they read this post. WTF women cheat too!! Yes they do but this post is about men as they are the primary offenders. Plus I will ALWAYS be loyal to mah bitches, don't get it twisted! So peens listen up, you want to know what takes real balls?! It takes balls to admit that thru no fault of either party the relationship is ending and you want to go your separate ways. It takes cajones to say I have self-control and enough respect for you to tell you that I no longer love you and want to have sexy time with someone else. It takes real fuckin balls to be a decent human being and tell the truth no matter how hard, how awkward, or what the consequences.

 

I feel badly for that roid spawn. It is bad enough when one parent cheats but to be the product of two adulterer parents must be difficult. He will undoubtedly one day cheat on a woman and continue the cycle. But until that day comes...let's hope nobody ever asks this poor child "who is your daddy and what does he do?!" Hasta la vista to his family pride and dignity.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

**In honor of MJ all posts for the next month will feature his amazing music!

Taming of the chew...AND my lady hump!

Birds chirping...pain at my side. Sun is shining...my legs rub together. A warm breeze hits me...these spanx are so dammnnn tight and I am so sweaty! Listen Beyonce I know you say a little sweatin never hurt nobody...sorry boo shiz hurts! How many more stairs are there?! What did I buy at whole foods? Rocks?! Why are these bags so heavy?! Jesus Christ I really need to get back in shape! Sound familiar?! Check it, direct it, let's begin...that's the sound of summer knockin' at your door. We hibernate and hide under clothes all winter and like a bad case of the Herps bare legs and tight clothes hit you out of nowhere. BAM!! I am back here again where I have to rebalance my diet and excercise habits...it can't ALL end with Pijama jeans can it? That infomercial is CRACK! Whatcha gon' do wit all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? Well WILL.I.AM. I, is about to tell you...my lovely little lumps need to get whipped into shape because I gots to stay a PYT!!!

 

Have you ever met someone who makes noises while they eat? "MMMmmm...sooo good" Or overly exxagerates how delicious something is? "WOWW I dieee for this mac and cheese" Hi nice to meet you. I do that. I just can't help it!! I like to eat and tell people about it like its going out of style and every meal is my last. Yummy in my tummy is very important and I take it seriously. So as the weather gets nicer I am reminded that no matter how hard I try spanx can only do so much. The sitch as it stands is that I gotta eat less and drag my baby gots back to the gymola. SO SIMPLE!! Right..? Then why is it so hard?!?

The Food
 

I am an emotional eater. Just like Oprah. I feel you guuuurl. I've never been one of those people who was naturally thin. "My doctor told me I need to eat more" Augh I want to kick those biotches in the crotch! Even if that IS the case, keep it to yourself will you?! So I have genes AND emotions working against me. I highly envy people who just can't 'bare the thought' of eating when they are stressed. For me it is the exact opposite. I want to eat. Consume everything in my sight. What a girl wants is some comfort food. Also when I want to celebrate I want to 'indulge' because you know I deserve it and all that jazz.  They say if you love something let it go...and if it comes back its yours...um no sorry X-tina. I don't know when the next time this delicious food will make its way back to me. Like most other things I blame my parents. They spoiled me and let me eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. I remember when I had to sit my father down for a talk on the significant difference between buying coke rather than pepsi. Amateur hour. What a brat I was! I wish they had bitch slapped some sense into me. WHERE ARE MY DUNKAROOS?!?! Remember those?! Thatsssss wayy back!

 

As an adult I am just supposed to know how to change my ways now?! Aint that some shiz!!! (Sorry peeps I still CAN'T stop saying that) As I've gotten older I have tried being vegan, eating 'clean' and limiting/eliminating my intake of processed foods. I went years without soda or fast food. I am talking very long very painful YEARS. But my adoration for food and specifically dairy knows no boundaries! QUESO!!!!!! I have feelings toward cheese that no human being should ever experience. There aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley low enough...to keep me from getting to cheese. I'd probably sell out my husband for cheese if it came down to it. Of course it would at least have to be artisan fancy cheese, not that american cheddar bullshit. I remember the look on my doctors face when I asked about diseases related to cheese 'For example the opposite of being lactose intolerant. I am like overly lactose tolerant. Could this be some kind of illness?!' You know how that ended!! My idea of heaven is an endless platter of cheese, french baguettes and hundreds of puppies and kittens (bec they are cute and wouldn't judge my cheese palooza - not for eating silly rabbit!) Maybe I need some rehab. I got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it my dreams. I'm looking down every alley, I'm making those desperate calls. What you got queso is hard to find...I think about it all the time!  Unfortunetely for me and my lazy metabolism a minute on my lips goes right to my hips. I can now understand how hard it is for Charlie Sheen. Hi I am Maria and I am a Brie addict. Hiiiiii Maria.

The GYM 

Please don't stand so close to me. No really for reals...could you and your sweat pool find somewhere else to stand? I wouldn't say the gym is a place that I look forward to going.  I am under no circumstances a germaphobe but the gym and its rampant dirtyness really turns me off. The annoying people who like to walk around with their coochies out in the locker room. And how am I NOT supposed to stare when it is like jungle fever in the lady area? The meat heads who grunt so loud everyone in the joint knows how strong they are grrrr (ooonnnne HUNDRED), the bug-a-boos who want to strike up a conversation while you are on uphill: I can barely breathe and I am on the fence as to whether I am having chest pains due to a heart attack and you are just shooting the shit?! REALLY?! What makes you think I can run AND talk to you?! The people who hit on you (not that I would know per se but I have seen it happen)...I am pretty sure I won't be putting those boys on rock rock. And they won't be lining down the block for what I got any time soon considering I look like chucky while I exercise. If I don't kill you first I might just kill myself. I be up in the gym just working on my fitness...I don't need a witness...

Unfortunetely without gym time no significant progress can be made toward a healthier lifestyle, at least for me. It is just soooo hard to physically get there isn't it?! We play mind games with ourselves and for me having a busy schedule it is my go-to-fail-proof-excuse. Real talk: the entire time I am exercising I am in misery and there aint nobody who can comfort me...But the truth is I want to love my ass (again) in seven jeans, true religion. And keep on demonstrating my hump, (ha) my lovely lady lumps.   A cleverly crafted playlist helps me manage my desire to just die right there in the middle of Gold's Gym. Thank you Pitbull, Kanye, and Brit brit.

As summer gets closer and closer I can't wish that my metabolism start moving at the rate of rock lobster instead of a ballad. I tried praying but that hasn't really worked for me. I guess J-bro has more important things to tend to. Whatevs. I thought we were all children of god. (Go ahead just write the hate mail now BRING IT) I wouldn't say moderation is a notion I am familiar with as my life has always been a bevy of extremes. And since it looks like I will be in the queso olympics for life the only thing left to do is drag my B - DOUBLE - O - T- Y - OH MY! to the gym!! Aside from the weight loss we all know how much more energy we gain from exercising. After an exhausting winter I am ready to take care of myself again and I invite you to do it with me. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my tight pants. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my legs rubbing together.  I got a feeling this is my summer. I got a feeling that tonight is gonna be a good night.

So I have no choice but to go old school, cause I am an old fool. Who is so cool. Here are some of my must have gym grooves:

1) The Anthem - Pitbull
2) It takes two - Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock
3) Back in Black - ACDC
4) Survivor - Destiny's Child
5) Stronger - Kanye West
6) Let's get retarded - BEP I prefer this much more to the 'PC' version
7) Just fine - MJB
8) Tambourine - Eve
9) Feedback - Ms Jackson if you're nasty!
10) Get me bodied - Beyonce

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

This week's post was inspired by a conversation I had with a very dear friend. Now I have to keep it 100 so I am gonna tell you the first time he brought it up I kind of dismissed it as his usual antics. Not only is he easy on the eyes but he likes to mess with your mind like inception. Over a delicious breakfast weeks later it came up again. This time it was clear that he was absolutely serious. He was discussing The Illuminati and their tight grip on our society. REALLY?! Yes fo realsies peeps. I couldn't help but hear the better half of GB in my ear...'I remember when I lost my mind...I was out of touch but it wasn't because I didn't know enough. I just knew too much...' I was at first surprised and mildly interested because 1) he is a highly intelligent person whose opinion I very much respect and 2) because he stores a lot of knowledge and facts in that perfectly gelled head of his. So I listened but I am not sure how we ended up at this place where I contemplated if he was REALLY the friend I've known and loved for over a decade. Was he? I was shocked later when the website he was getting some of his information from was very much a religious one. Usually he is the only one who shares my repugnancy towards religion...hmm

'Does that make him crazy...? Probably..' And the knowledge pouring out of him came out such at such a fast pace my unprepared brain was more concerned with eating the 2 over easy eggs and hash browns I had in front of me before they got cold. So let's dive in and talk about some of these things. But first things first: what/who exactly are The Illuminati?! Apparently my knowledge from Tupac's album was not going to cut it. If you google it this appears: People claiming to possess special enlightenment or knowledge of something. The next definition says: A sect of 16th-century Spanish heretics who claimed special religious enlightenment. Then another reads: A Bavarian secret society founded in 1776, organized like the Freemasons. Oh okay now that THAT'S cleared up we can move on. Some of the groups and individuals said to be involved are from past history, some modern, some real and some fictitious. OH GOOD. That was going to be my next question. Glad that very important distinction was made: could be real, could be fake whatevs! Their purpose: to control everything from the mayo we use on our turkey sandwiches to world affairs and eventually our minds through the use of corporations, mass media, celebrities and music yielding the end result of a new world order. I stopped for a moment here and pondered the hidden messages in the music I listen to... Ice Cube telling me 'I can do it as long as I put my ass into it... ' or '1, 2 3 and to the 4 Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr. Dre is at the door. Compton and Long Beach together now you know you in trouble' Or Juvi's compliment: 'U's a fine motha fucker won't cha back that ass up' or Lil Jon advising 'to the window to the wall...stop then wiggle with it!' Get low hoodrats because The Illuminati is coming for your fat juicy asses and they got Warren G to regulate!

Okay but seriously (HA! riiiight when is this blog shiz ever serious...sorry but if you want serious you aint gonna find it here) we have all heard our share of conspiracy theories: Did men really walk on the moon? Does area 51 exist & are there aliens on earth? Was the US government behind 9/11? Who really killed JFK? Does the lochness monster exist? Is Will Smith with the MIB (the galaxy defenders...the one that you remember)?Is Ryan Seacrest's hair real?...too many questions but not enough answers...The bigger question (at least to me) is how does having this 'knowledge' or being aware of things like conspiracy theories actually affect our everyday lives if at all? I love my life. Sure I could certainly be richer and thinner (couldn't we all) but for the most part I am enjoying this ride. 'And I hope that you are having the time of your life...But think twice that's my only advice...' I still do what I want don't I?! If I don't want mayo on my friggin turkey I say NO MAYO!...'Ha ha ha bless your soul...you really think you're in control?' I felt my appetite diminish...but only for a few seconds thank god. Then I was back! What was going on here?! Is he really saying I don't have any control of my life? That none of us do? Is my beloved lady gaga brain washing our minds...really?!  Even HOV?! Yes even him. The mass media uses occult symbolism in everything to condition our way of thinking, he tells me. Wait so is it like the matrix?! Maybe. But why wouldn't I make myself super hot if I created my own fake world? You don't create the matrix they do. Fuck! I have to re-watch that movie...

After what seemed like a long conversation, while my husband paid the bill we walked outside to intoxicating spring weather FINALLY! I felt a huge wave of satisfaction wash over me and I pulled him aside and said "I get what you are saying but sometimes just feeling the sun shine on me is all I need to know and feel that I am alive and an active participant in my life and I don't give a shit about The Illuminati" Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe there is nothing to be ignorant about. Maybe Dennis Rodman is an alien controlling our minds and using The Illuminati to distract us. Maybe Gary Busey is my real father. Maybe Elvis is working at the commack deli. Maybe MJ really was white and Billie Jean really is his love. Maybe Georgie Dubbya is actually a rocket scientist. Maybe just maybe AC Slater isn't really gay. Maybe Narnia exists. Maybe there really are vampires. Maybe the Knicks are good (okay that's REALLY a stretch) Maybe the beibs is really a girl. Maybe the Juice is innocent (TOO FAR!!)...maybe I could actually be living my life instead of wondering about so many things I really have no control over....like Ryan Seacrest's hair...but how does he get it so perfect all the time?!?!

I don't judge my friend, even though I absolutely want to (just keepin it reals) But he and I have had many a discussion of how preaching turns us off specially from our 'religious' friends. Just because the topic isn't religious per se doesn't mean I didn't feel like I was being preached to.  I won't think less of him, never!!! He stuck by me and helped me through when I felt the most alone while my husband faught a war. I don't take things like that lightly. I love him and I think he is a great man. I just worry. I want him to enjoy the best years of his life because before we know it, one of us will helping the other one go to the bathroom! EW..... 'We're  never gonna survive unless we get little crazy...' Seal... so ahead of his time. It's time we start worrying less about who might be running the show and when this place might blow. Because no matter how much we worry and search for answers we may never get them. Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is rather like one of the greatest songs ever written: Bohemian Rhapsody. What do the fuck does it all mean? 'Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Scaramouche will you do the fandango? Galileo Magnifico!' WTF indeed! But just because we don't exactly know its meaning or purpose doesn't mean we can't enjoy it.

So today I say to you go insane go insane throw some glitter and make it rain. It's perfectly acceptable to try to search for answers and try crawling out of the cave Plato told us about but don't forget to live your life while you do it.

To my friend I say... "I think you're crazy....I think you are crazy....just like me..." I love you always.

 Paternity test is in: Gary Busey is not my father even though we seem to display similar traits of incoherent rants and ridicolous displays of random behavior.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.

It's a nice day for a white wedding

I am a maniac. I am rabid. I haven't slept.
No I am not a on a diet. I am consumed. Obsessed. It is all I think about. I am counting every second. every minute. every day. When will it be here? I have had the Dixie Cups stuck in my head for weeks. My adoration is at DEF-CON 5 and I am not sure if I will make it to the end...I might burst with sheer euphoria. No I am not having a child. BITCH PLEASE! Focus! I have spent countless hours scouring google for any shred of information I might have somehow missed until now. I downloaded the APP on the ipad and I am ready to go.

BRING IT!!!

I guess my invite got lost in the mail...

Spring is here the sky is blue...birds all sing as if they knew...today is the day we'll say I do...and we'll never be lonely anymore...YES THAT'S RIGHT! I HAVE UNABASHED OVER-THE-TOP ROYAL WEDDING FEVER!!! (BEIBS IS LONG GONE) Tissues: CHECK. Glitter: CHECK. Practicing my curtsy: CHECK. George Michael's version of Stevie Wonder's 'You & I' specially recorded for the Prince and his lady: CHECK CHECK AND CHECK!!!

The most beautiful people on earth...SUCK IT JLO!

I have been waiting for this day for soooo long!! I grew up listening to adults talk about the people's princess' wedding in 1981 and I could never actively participate. Now I get to be a part of what every girl dreams of (and some boys...let's be fair now). 2 BILLION people and I will watch, laugh, cry, wish and hope along with the most captivating royals since Princess Fiona Diana. So what about this extravaganza is it that resonates so strongly with us? What is it about royals that makes us Americans weak in the knees? Oh William, I hear you call my name and it feels like home. A man is 100% more attractive with an accent (yes even YOU Geoffrey Rush!) I have no choice I hear your voice feels like flying....He is handsome, educated, a military man, (YUMM! DOUBLE scoop of hells yesss!) Would he be just as attractive without the title? Probably but as a nation we want what we can't have! I want candy!!! AKA a monarch! It makes me question why we ever thought gaining independence from the Brits was a good idea? William also has that distinct humbleness that made so many adore his mother and a certain lady friend noticed.

 

I need to practice climbing the social ladder so I can get to Billy Boy

Katherine Middleton. But don't be fooled by the rocks that shes gots. She is just Katie from the block. She used to have a little but now is about to have a WHOLE lot. Kate is bringing sexy back. Demure and classy sexy that is. FINALLY!!! There is nothing about this gal I don't
love!! I find her to be captivating without being overly arrogant or self-promoting. In the lifetime movie 'William & Kate' (YES OF COURSE I WATCHED IT!! 3.9 STARS!) she is portrayed much more forcefully than how she comes across in real life. Sure she's been photographed a few times with the lady parts showing...hey it happens! No judgement from me dear friends as my lady parts have been known to have a mind of their own! She's Miss Independent that's why he loves her...cause she walk like the boss, she talk like the boss...she's fly effortlessly. Kate will set the standard for the modern royal keeping it classy but ridding the monarchy of archaic ways. It has been confirmed that she has removed the "obey" part from the wedding vows. That's my bitch!  Go on with yo' bad self!  Kate gives hope to all the regular gals out there. If you wear a bathing suit during a fashion show...you too can score a prince! Speaking of wearing...I am just foaming at the mouth waiting to know what she is going to strut her shiz in!!!!

I am here BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Kate and the perfect man specimen make magic happen when they are together. Not since a certain Boston dude and a Bronx girl with little in the middle and much back have I felt such a strong adoration for a couple. I really loved those two. Too bad... memories..sighs...But WiKa spent years back and forth (just like a regular relationship) deciding if the other was truly the one. Actually Kate let's get real, you knew the day you said 'Your highness what an honor!' I picture William going from one grandiose room into another in the castle singing 'There's a girl I know...she's the one I dream of...How will I know if she really loves me? I say a prayer with every heart beat...I tried the phone but I am too shy can't speak' ADORBS and the staff dances with him...LIFETIME why the BLEEP was that NOT in your movie?!  Unlike the Diana sitch, these two really seem to love each other. I don't know how you can ACTUALLY tell but I think you can. When 2 people are meant to be you just feel it. I feel it in my bone marrow...real deep peeps! If Diana was still around she probably do her own castle dancing 'Young hearts run free! Never be hung up like my man and me...young hearts to your self be true...'

So as the big day approaches, and all the final details come together, I just can't wait to witness a piece of history. In true British style everything will be prim and proper, lacking any excitement via facial expressions or hand motions and all will be perfectly executed. The world and myself will be overcome with awe and jubilation over a cup of tea (maybe spiked with a little belvedere...american style bitches) as we watch the wedding of the century. I am so thankful that globalization will make it possible for me to sit in front of my television and hear every detail from the ceremony to Kate's speech at the reception 'So here is to the future cause we got thru the past. I finally found somebody that could make me laugh. You so crazy...I think I wanna have your baby!!!' ROYAL BABIES!!!!!!!!! I guarantee you (loyal reader) a bitching post the moment that happens!

But before the bambinos come, this beautiful couple is going to enjoy their time together traveling, doing charitable work and you know just generally being super fuckin gorgeous! In the mean time we still have Harry & Chelsea. I think a summer wedding would do just fine. Maybe next year before December 2012...just in case the Mayans are right and the world does end....

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.

Born this way

I have always felt an inexplicable connection to music. I am guessing it started in my younger years when I would spend vast amounts of time recording songs off the radio. Remember those days? No internet, super strict father whom I dubbed Castro (no actually meant no), and a half functioning super nintendo which if I didn’t blow into the games for at least an hour refused to work.  What’s a girl to do? Make bitching tapes that’s what!! And by tapes I am talking cassette tapes…ribbons and all! SAYYYYY WHHHHHATTT!! OMG that is like sooo retro. Oh yea like the Staple Singers I am going to take you there! A place where ain’t nobody crying…ain’t nobody worried…The trick to the tapes was having quick enough reflexes to press pause (not the stop button…for a smoother transition) before KT Mills came on and started talking. For my non-LI peeps she has been the night DJ on 97.5 WALK FM for 19 years! What a fete! I still love listening to her even though WALK is no longer a lite station. Anyway I have digressed.

I spent countless hours making the best tape I had ever made night after night.  I learned about Stevie Nicks and I remember going to the library (holy shit that’s really RETRO!) to find a book and see what she looked like. I practiced Bill Wither’s “I know” repetition for hours until I finally got the timing perfectly. {Random fact: when he recorded the song they hadn’t written that verse hence the ‘I know’s’ which he put in as place-holders. But it sounded so good they left it. Good call.} I gasped furiously when I listened to Meatloaf’s “2 out of 3…” and realized he was the one who got his heart broken! THAT BITCH!  My hairbrush could never escape my “chain of fools” rendition or any Mariah or Whitney for that matter.

Long Island RULES!

I remember the first time I heard Billy Joel. And like most of the other songs I heard on the radio especially by the big hitters it made me wish I knew them. There have been many studies done on music and our ability to be born more musically inclined than others. I never thought I was going to be a musician, that became crystal clear when I sucked-ass dabbled and failed at both the piano AND the clarinet. But as I matured I started to realize how much music really meant to me. A big chunk of that probably has to do with not having much family so they in turn became my relatives and their songs my life lessons.  I found it exhilarating to search for a song every time I needed some advice and I realized there was always something amazing to find that led me to something else and so on. Don’t feel bad for me, because I am gonna go listen to my 45’s... ain’t it wonderful to be alive…when the rock & roll plays…I am keeping the faith…

One day, I went to a yard sale (good times) across the street of a friend’s house and I found a Beatles tape. It was a dollar and I was a bratty 9 year-old with no money.  That was mad moneys back in the day.  How good could it be anyway if it was only a dollar? SUCKERS...they think they can fool me! The man sitting behind the table looked at me and said “Do you know who they are?” I could sense his indignation the moment he opened his mouth. His disdain for the stupidity of the uneducated youth...AKA me. I didn’t know in that moment I would be that salty man a decade later. HA. So I did what I would have done today: I faked it till I made it. He knew of course. But pretended to go along with it. He decided to give me the tape for free and before releasing it into my hands he said in a hushed low voice (as if I was Froto and he had just given me the ring)...“this will change your life.” And that it did.

The artists of today can’t change lives the way the Beatles once changed mine and countless others. No offense Ke-Dollar-sign-HA. I think you and your glitter are great for a fun car ride, but you don’t touch me the way Stevie Wonder or Dylan did.  You will be blowing in the wind, before you know it.  And when the rain comes I will think of Princess Ri Ri, but when the water runs dry…I will pop in the album ‘II’…and think about how young gimmicky artists are everywhere but not like Fleetwood Mac once was.

So after all that you may be surprised to find that I am 100% head over heels enthralled with (ENTER SYMPHONY #5 for extra dramatic effect…) Lady Gaga. She comes as she is, as she was, and as how we want her to be. I have always been a huge weirdo. My entire life I had to leverage when it was okay for me to act myself vs “acting normal”. Anyone who knows me, is aware of how severely allergic I am to conformity. I always have and I always will be.  Lady Gaga merged the two things I long most for in this life weirdness and music.  What haters call ‘antics’ I simply call business as usual.

So it's been a long time...shouldn't have left me without a dope beat to step to. Step to. (PRICKY PRICKY BABY GIRL!)

Enter Lady Gaga. She was the change in music I had been waiting for. Just when I thought we were destined to the remnants of whatever talent was left over from the jloration (DALE!, Mr. Worldwide, Red One, Dark Child, So so def, Sean da paul. Shady after math...G-UNIT, Murder Inc, Konvict, Rockafella, Bad Boy...stop repping your name on my damn music!! )....along she came and redefined what being a monster means. Listen Brit you are still my bitch (fo LIFE!) but Gaga has something that you don't my babes....an astounding voice and music that is meaningful beyond the clubs...but still hot like MEJICO! Watch out I've seen her type before she's so dangerous...Akon knew it and now we know it. Thank you Konvict you did good. That'll do.

REALLY?!!!

For the peeps who see Lady G's 'persona' as an antic taken a bit too far: I completely disagree. You either get it or you don't. If you like to be a follower and conform to everything society or the bible says you are going to say 'oh she's weird'. The same idiotic way people dismissed the Beatles and Elvis as 'devil's music' I'd love to hear someone say that today. Exactly. We are conditioned to reject what we don't understand and that often includes aspects of our own personality we are afraid others will judge.

 As I grew older I finally began to appreciate the qualities that make me different and not 'normal'. I loved the no pants phase (as I am fiercely anti-pants) the carpaccio, the egg and everything to come. Who says she is offending anyone? Puhhhhlease catholic church. If I were you I'd sit this one out.  Judas and who is in love with him is the least of your problems.
If people are soooooo offended by Gagaloo and her music then don't listen. I find Fox news highly irritating. So I watch something else. We need to learn to accept people as they are and stop trying to make them fit into neat little boxes to eventually wrap and put a bow on. Our own unedited selves will always be sicker than the remix.

My deep connection to music is hard to explain at least for the purposes of this post. One of the things I relish is experiencing music first hand:concerts. After years of trying and being stood up by losers on craig's list, I AM FINALLY going to see Gaga this saturday live in the flesh. I am hoping to wear whatever makes me feel most like myself. Some kind of mask will be in order because that is how I roll bitches.

 

I appreciate Gaga for reinforcing the notion that we should be who we are proudly. No matter how weird, eccentric or even understated that 'us' may be. Sometimes people like me just want to dance (where are my keys? I lost my phone!) And have some fun when the beat is sick and possibly take a ride on your disco stick whateves bitches I love game. I am not bluffin with my muffin I promise I am your biggest fan, baby there is no other super star and I know you ain't just doing it to be a fame monster. I don't want to be caught in a bad romance between you and my alejandro because after all I am his wife....that boy is a monster indeed. Ra ra ah ah rama rama ma ga ga ohh la la...

Fly the freak flag bitches because we were born this way.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

I love the 90's!!!!

Ahhh the 90's you got me feeling emotions...waaaaaazzzzzz upppppppp?! I miss it so much because it was all that and a bag of chips! Good vibrations from Marky Mark (SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOTHA!) TRLing on a wednesday afternoon and actually watching music videos that were DA BOMB on MTV. Playing POGS (SAY WHAAATTT?! That's some real retro talk - SUCK IT SILLY BANDZ!) while doing my best SPORTY SPICE!  You wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully. We got M in the place that locks it in your place. Stomp your body down and wind it all around...(Mental note: download that later) YOU'RE WELCOME!

So let's get jiggy with it and breakdown the top 5 reasons why the 90's are still the decade to beat:

5. We were happier!

Nobody talked about retirement, social security or world wars (unless you were in 8th grade history then the last part applied to you and what a bummer that probably was) Americans were prospering, we were all wearing jelly shoes, discussing what was going to happen when Zack and the gang went to college?! People looked forward to flying on vacation, and nobody knew about anthrax or the name Bin Laden. We were so happy that we actually gave Millie Vanilli a grammy in 1990!!  Fear of everything wasn't in our daily rotation of activities. The only FEAR on my mind was the one generated from Mark Wahlberg! Yo Marky you P.H.A.T. baby....

4. The vernacular!

Yup. So many gems that shaped me as a human being. Everything was in Guam. Everything was ghetto.  I tried to be MAD chill yo but the Popo was always on my shiznit. And I was like talk to the hand homeslice cause the face aint listening. Oh and by the way YOUR MOM. She is FUGLY. Alright alright take a chill pill already will you! Such a buzzkill... I am sorry I won't do it again I promise. NOT! AS IF! Ok I am tired of this...excuse me while I go raise the roof to some salt & peppa.

3. The cell phone/internet


What's up JESSE!


I honestly don't remember life without either of these 2 amazing inventions. I was one of the first kids at school to have AOL, at night I'd desperately try to muffle the sound of the dial-up so my dad wouldn't know what I was up to. Of course he would hear it and I'd be grounded constantly for it. I get knocked down but I get up again...you're never gonna keep me down...I was at it again the following night. My blackberry is an attachment just as vital as any of my organs. Enough said. Now go chumbawumba or something.

2. TV/Movies

Mirror mirror on the wall tell me mirror what is wrong?! NOT the JUICE!! The OJ car chase. Most amazing television moment of the 90's. Batman movies were actually good. (Sorry Heath but its hard to beat Kiss from a Rose by Seal as the movie soundtrack) Trips to The MAX with Kelly & Lisa for some girl talk, feel good heart-to-hearts with Uncle Jesse, biscuits and tea with Geoffrey while Carlton did his little dance. Ross & Rachel, unexpected but always welcomed visit from Stephan, Brandon & Brenda going to college, Bailey & Sarah always fighting, and Sabrina and her witchy ways. Mary Katherine & SUPERSTAR!!! Craig & Arianna the pitiful Spartan cheerleaders. Remember those days when everything on TV was a scripted show and the only reality was COPS? HA!! Aint that some shiz! Too much television watching got me chasing dreams. I am an educated fool with money on my mind....100 points if you just got that reference (AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GOOGLE IT) **I could never do this entire decade justice so the above is only a tiny percentage of all the amazing things I enjoyed in this category. I would be insane in the membrane to try to capture the splendor of this time in one paragraph.
 

And finally....

1. Music

It's Britney bitch. Brit-Brit what happened?! I miss you seducing me with your eyes....you were so DOPE miss 90's Britney sooooo much...Don't go there! But I am enjoying the latest from you so it's all gravy baby. N'sync who proved god did spend just a little more time on you...Justin....sighss...BSB, TLC, Ace of Base (Oh and I really saw the sign...at the 6th grade talent show right before I embarrassed myself in front of the entire school. I should have won. But I lost to Tiffany who did an entire seriously choreographed routine to 'From the back to the middle and around again I am gonna be there to the end....100% pure love...' Download it immediately. Crystal Waters. 1994. You are welcome bitches.) Alanis Morisette...it was ironic that she was talking about Uncle Joey....what a mofo he must have been! Who could forget the outrageous songs we knew were over the top ridic but we couldn't help but indulge...READY for a ride to ultimate RIDICNESS?! Let's ROLL SPINDERELLA CUT IT UP one time: I am a barbie girl in a barbie world, Coco Jumbo,  MMMMMbop, Ice ice baby, 2 legit 2 quit, Ricoooo Suaveeeee, Achy Breaky Heart, Macarena, I'm too sexy, Living la vida loca, How Bizarre....and so many many more. Baby got back for reals. This decade certainly had a motor in the back of her Honda. Even white boys got to shout.

And WHOOMP there it is!!! Some of the reasons why I think no decade will ever top the 1990's. I feel sad for the young kids who were just too tardy for the 90's party. Oh 90's...you make me feel like I am living a teenage dream! You and I will be young forever....Whatcha gonna do when you get out of jail? I am gonna do a remix.

Please share your favorite 90's moment if you don't see it above.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!