It's a nice day for a white wedding

I am a maniac. I am rabid. I haven't slept.
No I am not a on a diet. I am consumed. Obsessed. It is all I think about. I am counting every second. every minute. every day. When will it be here? I have had the Dixie Cups stuck in my head for weeks. My adoration is at DEF-CON 5 and I am not sure if I will make it to the end...I might burst with sheer euphoria. No I am not having a child. BITCH PLEASE! Focus! I have spent countless hours scouring google for any shred of information I might have somehow missed until now. I downloaded the APP on the ipad and I am ready to go.

BRING IT!!!

I guess my invite got lost in the mail...

Spring is here the sky is blue...birds all sing as if they knew...today is the day we'll say I do...and we'll never be lonely anymore...YES THAT'S RIGHT! I HAVE UNABASHED OVER-THE-TOP ROYAL WEDDING FEVER!!! (BEIBS IS LONG GONE) Tissues: CHECK. Glitter: CHECK. Practicing my curtsy: CHECK. George Michael's version of Stevie Wonder's 'You & I' specially recorded for the Prince and his lady: CHECK CHECK AND CHECK!!!

The most beautiful people on earth...SUCK IT JLO!

I have been waiting for this day for soooo long!! I grew up listening to adults talk about the people's princess' wedding in 1981 and I could never actively participate. Now I get to be a part of what every girl dreams of (and some boys...let's be fair now). 2 BILLION people and I will watch, laugh, cry, wish and hope along with the most captivating royals since Princess Fiona Diana. So what about this extravaganza is it that resonates so strongly with us? What is it about royals that makes us Americans weak in the knees? Oh William, I hear you call my name and it feels like home. A man is 100% more attractive with an accent (yes even YOU Geoffrey Rush!) I have no choice I hear your voice feels like flying....He is handsome, educated, a military man, (YUMM! DOUBLE scoop of hells yesss!) Would he be just as attractive without the title? Probably but as a nation we want what we can't have! I want candy!!! AKA a monarch! It makes me question why we ever thought gaining independence from the Brits was a good idea? William also has that distinct humbleness that made so many adore his mother and a certain lady friend noticed.

 

I need to practice climbing the social ladder so I can get to Billy Boy

Katherine Middleton. But don't be fooled by the rocks that shes gots. She is just Katie from the block. She used to have a little but now is about to have a WHOLE lot. Kate is bringing sexy back. Demure and classy sexy that is. FINALLY!!! There is nothing about this gal I don't
love!! I find her to be captivating without being overly arrogant or self-promoting. In the lifetime movie 'William & Kate' (YES OF COURSE I WATCHED IT!! 3.9 STARS!) she is portrayed much more forcefully than how she comes across in real life. Sure she's been photographed a few times with the lady parts showing...hey it happens! No judgement from me dear friends as my lady parts have been known to have a mind of their own! She's Miss Independent that's why he loves her...cause she walk like the boss, she talk like the boss...she's fly effortlessly. Kate will set the standard for the modern royal keeping it classy but ridding the monarchy of archaic ways. It has been confirmed that she has removed the "obey" part from the wedding vows. That's my bitch!  Go on with yo' bad self!  Kate gives hope to all the regular gals out there. If you wear a bathing suit during a fashion show...you too can score a prince! Speaking of wearing...I am just foaming at the mouth waiting to know what she is going to strut her shiz in!!!!

I am here BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Kate and the perfect man specimen make magic happen when they are together. Not since a certain Boston dude and a Bronx girl with little in the middle and much back have I felt such a strong adoration for a couple. I really loved those two. Too bad... memories..sighs...But WiKa spent years back and forth (just like a regular relationship) deciding if the other was truly the one. Actually Kate let's get real, you knew the day you said 'Your highness what an honor!' I picture William going from one grandiose room into another in the castle singing 'There's a girl I know...she's the one I dream of...How will I know if she really loves me? I say a prayer with every heart beat...I tried the phone but I am too shy can't speak' ADORBS and the staff dances with him...LIFETIME why the BLEEP was that NOT in your movie?!  Unlike the Diana sitch, these two really seem to love each other. I don't know how you can ACTUALLY tell but I think you can. When 2 people are meant to be you just feel it. I feel it in my bone marrow...real deep peeps! If Diana was still around she probably do her own castle dancing 'Young hearts run free! Never be hung up like my man and me...young hearts to your self be true...'

So as the big day approaches, and all the final details come together, I just can't wait to witness a piece of history. In true British style everything will be prim and proper, lacking any excitement via facial expressions or hand motions and all will be perfectly executed. The world and myself will be overcome with awe and jubilation over a cup of tea (maybe spiked with a little belvedere...american style bitches) as we watch the wedding of the century. I am so thankful that globalization will make it possible for me to sit in front of my television and hear every detail from the ceremony to Kate's speech at the reception 'So here is to the future cause we got thru the past. I finally found somebody that could make me laugh. You so crazy...I think I wanna have your baby!!!' ROYAL BABIES!!!!!!!!! I guarantee you (loyal reader) a bitching post the moment that happens!

But before the bambinos come, this beautiful couple is going to enjoy their time together traveling, doing charitable work and you know just generally being super fuckin gorgeous! In the mean time we still have Harry & Chelsea. I think a summer wedding would do just fine. Maybe next year before December 2012...just in case the Mayans are right and the world does end....

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.

Born this way

I have always felt an inexplicable connection to music. I am guessing it started in my younger years when I would spend vast amounts of time recording songs off the radio. Remember those days? No internet, super strict father whom I dubbed Castro (no actually meant no), and a half functioning super nintendo which if I didn’t blow into the games for at least an hour refused to work.  What’s a girl to do? Make bitching tapes that’s what!! And by tapes I am talking cassette tapes…ribbons and all! SAYYYYY WHHHHHATTT!! OMG that is like sooo retro. Oh yea like the Staple Singers I am going to take you there! A place where ain’t nobody crying…ain’t nobody worried…The trick to the tapes was having quick enough reflexes to press pause (not the stop button…for a smoother transition) before KT Mills came on and started talking. For my non-LI peeps she has been the night DJ on 97.5 WALK FM for 19 years! What a fete! I still love listening to her even though WALK is no longer a lite station. Anyway I have digressed.

I spent countless hours making the best tape I had ever made night after night.  I learned about Stevie Nicks and I remember going to the library (holy shit that’s really RETRO!) to find a book and see what she looked like. I practiced Bill Wither’s “I know” repetition for hours until I finally got the timing perfectly. {Random fact: when he recorded the song they hadn’t written that verse hence the ‘I know’s’ which he put in as place-holders. But it sounded so good they left it. Good call.} I gasped furiously when I listened to Meatloaf’s “2 out of 3…” and realized he was the one who got his heart broken! THAT BITCH!  My hairbrush could never escape my “chain of fools” rendition or any Mariah or Whitney for that matter.

Long Island RULES!

I remember the first time I heard Billy Joel. And like most of the other songs I heard on the radio especially by the big hitters it made me wish I knew them. There have been many studies done on music and our ability to be born more musically inclined than others. I never thought I was going to be a musician, that became crystal clear when I sucked-ass dabbled and failed at both the piano AND the clarinet. But as I matured I started to realize how much music really meant to me. A big chunk of that probably has to do with not having much family so they in turn became my relatives and their songs my life lessons.  I found it exhilarating to search for a song every time I needed some advice and I realized there was always something amazing to find that led me to something else and so on. Don’t feel bad for me, because I am gonna go listen to my 45’s... ain’t it wonderful to be alive…when the rock & roll plays…I am keeping the faith…

One day, I went to a yard sale (good times) across the street of a friend’s house and I found a Beatles tape. It was a dollar and I was a bratty 9 year-old with no money.  That was mad moneys back in the day.  How good could it be anyway if it was only a dollar? SUCKERS...they think they can fool me! The man sitting behind the table looked at me and said “Do you know who they are?” I could sense his indignation the moment he opened his mouth. His disdain for the stupidity of the uneducated youth...AKA me. I didn’t know in that moment I would be that salty man a decade later. HA. So I did what I would have done today: I faked it till I made it. He knew of course. But pretended to go along with it. He decided to give me the tape for free and before releasing it into my hands he said in a hushed low voice (as if I was Froto and he had just given me the ring)...“this will change your life.” And that it did.

The artists of today can’t change lives the way the Beatles once changed mine and countless others. No offense Ke-Dollar-sign-HA. I think you and your glitter are great for a fun car ride, but you don’t touch me the way Stevie Wonder or Dylan did.  You will be blowing in the wind, before you know it.  And when the rain comes I will think of Princess Ri Ri, but when the water runs dry…I will pop in the album ‘II’…and think about how young gimmicky artists are everywhere but not like Fleetwood Mac once was.

So after all that you may be surprised to find that I am 100% head over heels enthralled with (ENTER SYMPHONY #5 for extra dramatic effect…) Lady Gaga. She comes as she is, as she was, and as how we want her to be. I have always been a huge weirdo. My entire life I had to leverage when it was okay for me to act myself vs “acting normal”. Anyone who knows me, is aware of how severely allergic I am to conformity. I always have and I always will be.  Lady Gaga merged the two things I long most for in this life weirdness and music.  What haters call ‘antics’ I simply call business as usual.

So it's been a long time...shouldn't have left me without a dope beat to step to. Step to. (PRICKY PRICKY BABY GIRL!)

Enter Lady Gaga. She was the change in music I had been waiting for. Just when I thought we were destined to the remnants of whatever talent was left over from the jloration (DALE!, Mr. Worldwide, Red One, Dark Child, So so def, Sean da paul. Shady after math...G-UNIT, Murder Inc, Konvict, Rockafella, Bad Boy...stop repping your name on my damn music!! )....along she came and redefined what being a monster means. Listen Brit you are still my bitch (fo LIFE!) but Gaga has something that you don't my babes....an astounding voice and music that is meaningful beyond the clubs...but still hot like MEJICO! Watch out I've seen her type before she's so dangerous...Akon knew it and now we know it. Thank you Konvict you did good. That'll do.

REALLY?!!!

For the peeps who see Lady G's 'persona' as an antic taken a bit too far: I completely disagree. You either get it or you don't. If you like to be a follower and conform to everything society or the bible says you are going to say 'oh she's weird'. The same idiotic way people dismissed the Beatles and Elvis as 'devil's music' I'd love to hear someone say that today. Exactly. We are conditioned to reject what we don't understand and that often includes aspects of our own personality we are afraid others will judge.

 As I grew older I finally began to appreciate the qualities that make me different and not 'normal'. I loved the no pants phase (as I am fiercely anti-pants) the carpaccio, the egg and everything to come. Who says she is offending anyone? Puhhhhlease catholic church. If I were you I'd sit this one out.  Judas and who is in love with him is the least of your problems.
If people are soooooo offended by Gagaloo and her music then don't listen. I find Fox news highly irritating. So I watch something else. We need to learn to accept people as they are and stop trying to make them fit into neat little boxes to eventually wrap and put a bow on. Our own unedited selves will always be sicker than the remix.

My deep connection to music is hard to explain at least for the purposes of this post. One of the things I relish is experiencing music first hand:concerts. After years of trying and being stood up by losers on craig's list, I AM FINALLY going to see Gaga this saturday live in the flesh. I am hoping to wear whatever makes me feel most like myself. Some kind of mask will be in order because that is how I roll bitches.

 

I appreciate Gaga for reinforcing the notion that we should be who we are proudly. No matter how weird, eccentric or even understated that 'us' may be. Sometimes people like me just want to dance (where are my keys? I lost my phone!) And have some fun when the beat is sick and possibly take a ride on your disco stick whateves bitches I love game. I am not bluffin with my muffin I promise I am your biggest fan, baby there is no other super star and I know you ain't just doing it to be a fame monster. I don't want to be caught in a bad romance between you and my alejandro because after all I am his wife....that boy is a monster indeed. Ra ra ah ah rama rama ma ga ga ohh la la...

Fly the freak flag bitches because we were born this way.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

I love the 90's!!!!

Ahhh the 90's you got me feeling emotions...waaaaaazzzzzz upppppppp?! I miss it so much because it was all that and a bag of chips! Good vibrations from Marky Mark (SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOTHA!) TRLing on a wednesday afternoon and actually watching music videos that were DA BOMB on MTV. Playing POGS (SAY WHAAATTT?! That's some real retro talk - SUCK IT SILLY BANDZ!) while doing my best SPORTY SPICE!  You wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully. We got M in the place that locks it in your place. Stomp your body down and wind it all around...(Mental note: download that later) YOU'RE WELCOME!

So let's get jiggy with it and breakdown the top 5 reasons why the 90's are still the decade to beat:

5. We were happier!

Nobody talked about retirement, social security or world wars (unless you were in 8th grade history then the last part applied to you and what a bummer that probably was) Americans were prospering, we were all wearing jelly shoes, discussing what was going to happen when Zack and the gang went to college?! People looked forward to flying on vacation, and nobody knew about anthrax or the name Bin Laden. We were so happy that we actually gave Millie Vanilli a grammy in 1990!!  Fear of everything wasn't in our daily rotation of activities. The only FEAR on my mind was the one generated from Mark Wahlberg! Yo Marky you P.H.A.T. baby....

4. The vernacular!

Yup. So many gems that shaped me as a human being. Everything was in Guam. Everything was ghetto.  I tried to be MAD chill yo but the Popo was always on my shiznit. And I was like talk to the hand homeslice cause the face aint listening. Oh and by the way YOUR MOM. She is FUGLY. Alright alright take a chill pill already will you! Such a buzzkill... I am sorry I won't do it again I promise. NOT! AS IF! Ok I am tired of this...excuse me while I go raise the roof to some salt & peppa.

3. The cell phone/internet


What's up JESSE!


I honestly don't remember life without either of these 2 amazing inventions. I was one of the first kids at school to have AOL, at night I'd desperately try to muffle the sound of the dial-up so my dad wouldn't know what I was up to. Of course he would hear it and I'd be grounded constantly for it. I get knocked down but I get up again...you're never gonna keep me down...I was at it again the following night. My blackberry is an attachment just as vital as any of my organs. Enough said. Now go chumbawumba or something.

2. TV/Movies

Mirror mirror on the wall tell me mirror what is wrong?! NOT the JUICE!! The OJ car chase. Most amazing television moment of the 90's. Batman movies were actually good. (Sorry Heath but its hard to beat Kiss from a Rose by Seal as the movie soundtrack) Trips to The MAX with Kelly & Lisa for some girl talk, feel good heart-to-hearts with Uncle Jesse, biscuits and tea with Geoffrey while Carlton did his little dance. Ross & Rachel, unexpected but always welcomed visit from Stephan, Brandon & Brenda going to college, Bailey & Sarah always fighting, and Sabrina and her witchy ways. Mary Katherine & SUPERSTAR!!! Craig & Arianna the pitiful Spartan cheerleaders. Remember those days when everything on TV was a scripted show and the only reality was COPS? HA!! Aint that some shiz! Too much television watching got me chasing dreams. I am an educated fool with money on my mind....100 points if you just got that reference (AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GOOGLE IT) **I could never do this entire decade justice so the above is only a tiny percentage of all the amazing things I enjoyed in this category. I would be insane in the membrane to try to capture the splendor of this time in one paragraph.
 

And finally....

1. Music

It's Britney bitch. Brit-Brit what happened?! I miss you seducing me with your eyes....you were so DOPE miss 90's Britney sooooo much...Don't go there! But I am enjoying the latest from you so it's all gravy baby. N'sync who proved god did spend just a little more time on you...Justin....sighss...BSB, TLC, Ace of Base (Oh and I really saw the sign...at the 6th grade talent show right before I embarrassed myself in front of the entire school. I should have won. But I lost to Tiffany who did an entire seriously choreographed routine to 'From the back to the middle and around again I am gonna be there to the end....100% pure love...' Download it immediately. Crystal Waters. 1994. You are welcome bitches.) Alanis Morisette...it was ironic that she was talking about Uncle Joey....what a mofo he must have been! Who could forget the outrageous songs we knew were over the top ridic but we couldn't help but indulge...READY for a ride to ultimate RIDICNESS?! Let's ROLL SPINDERELLA CUT IT UP one time: I am a barbie girl in a barbie world, Coco Jumbo,  MMMMMbop, Ice ice baby, 2 legit 2 quit, Ricoooo Suaveeeee, Achy Breaky Heart, Macarena, I'm too sexy, Living la vida loca, How Bizarre....and so many many more. Baby got back for reals. This decade certainly had a motor in the back of her Honda. Even white boys got to shout.

And WHOOMP there it is!!! Some of the reasons why I think no decade will ever top the 1990's. I feel sad for the young kids who were just too tardy for the 90's party. Oh 90's...you make me feel like I am living a teenage dream! You and I will be young forever....Whatcha gonna do when you get out of jail? I am gonna do a remix.

Please share your favorite 90's moment if you don't see it above.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

The big apple vs the city of angels

 

I love New York. And not just that crazy hood rat who wanted to marry flavor flave. Did I say marry?... silly rabbit!!!  It is no secret that I am extremely proud to be a New Yorker.  In fact why wouldn’t I be? We are only great at…umm... this is awkward…EVERYTHING! Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on moonlight, don't blame it on the good times.  Blame it on the Boogie.  The Boogie down Bronx that is...(forgive me MJ I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!)  The art of conversation CHECK, fashion & shopping CHECK, culture CHECK, sports CHECK, food DOUBLE CHECK…I mean our deli’s alone are copied by other states who call themselves “New York Style Deli” dream on bitches…The city of “angels” (if by angels you mean fake boobs, orange tans and bleached beyond recognition hair) is currently the most populated of all the states.  More doesn’t always mean better peeps! If there was anyone who was going to give the big apple a run for its money it would be Cali…

How do I look SNOOP?

Before Katy told us about daisy dukes running rampant in the golden coast, before the Laguna years of LC and Kristin fighting over Stephen (aughhh I am bored to death just thinking about that lame trio), there was Tupac & Dr. Dre telling us about California love. (Even though it has been brought to my attention by my biggest fan that Tupac was actually born in East Harlem...DISCUSS!)  The first time I heard that song in 1996 (I was 13….SIGHS…) it actually made me wish I was from there.   An infectious beat for a state that’s untouchable like Eliot Ness… I want to go to a state where they know how to party. DUH! Shake it Cali! Dre knows what he is talking about he is a DOCTOR. California: ONE.

I love telling people I am from New York when I am out of state or outside of the country because you never know the crazy shit they might say: First they tell me they could totally tell by my accent (WATAH, COAFFEE, OH MY GAWD), then they ask if I live in Brooklyn and if I know the mob. HA! No and no, but surely I go to the Hamptons right? Sure as often as I go to Times Square.  Do I ride the 6 like J.Lo? Sometimes when I am good we ride it together.  I am a Yankee fan though right?  Phew! Thank god!  Is it really like Sex in the City…more like STDs in the city but close enough?  Not that I WOULD KNOW…don’t get any ideas!  Then my favorite: But you are so friendly aren’t New Yorkers rude? Only if you are a fucking moron…act normal and nobody will be rude to you. Ha… convo over.  New York: ONE.

Such a lovely place

Biggie told us he was going going back back to Cali Cali… well he must have had good reason? Apparently it was strictly for the weather, women and the weed.  LL Cool J also wanted to go back…New York I don’t think so.  True the weather is a very appealing factor, and of course that delish Napa Valley wine (17 MILLION GALLONS produced every year…almost enough to keep all the housewives hydrated)…but if you don’t know the way to San Jose…where else might you go? BEVERLY HILLS…that’s where I WANT TO BE!!! Is that where Hotel California is? Will Don Henley my soul mate be there? Okay okay... so you have Hollywood, and those infamous California gurls, surfing, you raise the most turkeys out of any state, your state motto is EUREKA!, you invented the fortune cookie (in bed), Jeans, the Barbie doll and gave us technology via the genius pocket of Silicon Valley.  DAAAMN that’s hard to compete with…wait have I been californicated? CALIFORNIA: TWO.

Can you REALLY blame this guy for not wanting to leave?

I was starting to feel down that it had been such a long time since a true iconic New York song had been made. Yes we have spread the news, been in a NY state of mind and been to hell and back in a New York minute.  But I was longing for a contemporary song that made me feel proud of being a New Yorker again and not because we survived 9/11.  Just to celebrate our organic greatness while possibly shaking my pom pom.  ENTER JAY-Z with empire state of mind.  SUCK IT CALI!  Yes we have fierce winters…but have you ever walked through central park in a winter wonderland? It will take your breath away. Have you ever seen a fight on the subway? It will change your life! Unlike California gurls, we would never freak in a jeep.  We are classy…nothing less than a Cadillac.  We have the beautiful Hamptons & Montauk. Our state motto is EXELSIOR (ever upwards) because unlike CA we would never just give up after proclaiming we have FOUND IT! Always up…just like our beautiful sky scrappers...no view like top of the rock. You can meet your future love on a downtown train. Deli’s galore (KATZ my fave!), Tribecca, I represent Queens she was raised out in Brooklyn, Dominicanos on Broadway, Ellis Island, 5^th Avenue, The Garden, Coney Island, Wall Street, subway talent, China town, Jones Beach summer concerts, BAGELS & PIZZA, the best police and firemen in the world, Little Italy, the Yankees AND the Mets, Broadway, Shake Shack, Statue of Liberty and my beloved Long Island.  NEW YORK: EIGHT MILLION.

 

This debate may never be resolved, but as far as I am concerned the big apple will always own a piece of my heart.  But if Biggie had to choose a coast, he would choose the east. He lived out there so don’t go there. But that don’t mean a gentleman like himself can’t rest in the west.  My regards to a true competitor, whom I look forward to someday visiting.  You may have hoes in different area codes, but us New Yorkers we like our concrete jungle just the way it is...and always support our local hoes. 

This is where dreams are made, there is nothing you can’t do. I am living proof.  When I am having a bad day just strolling the streets makes me feel brand new.  No place in the world that can compare. You can tell by my attitude that I am definitely from NY.

Man...I FEEL like a WOMAN!

I wonder who Don is screwing now...

 Remember the good old days when all women had to do was put on some make-up, a few pearls, cook, clean and take care of the kids? Ala Betty Draper... Nope me either!!! We don't remember because those days are loooong gone my friends. All the women who independent throw your hands up at me...If you are a dude, don't give up on this post just yet. This isn't a "feminist rant" (I just cringed at the sound of that but I gots to speak the hombre language) It's an honest and genuine opinion on how much pressure there is on women that men could never possibly understand. NEVER. EVER. Unless you became a woman and lived as one for years. Reverse of Cher's daughter/son...whatever.

I am the money honey

Not that long ago, women did not go to college, run corporations or were the major sources of income for their families.  These are certainly great overdue accomplishments (obvs), the problem is that as we acquired market share over men, we never shed the other duties/expectations. They just keep piling up and now women are in so deep, sometimes it feels like we are going to drown.

So who feels like they are fighting for their lives as the big tidal wave approaches?! Me. I am not sure how I got here, but...shit being a woman is HARD. Fo reals! I mean like REALLY hard. Not a second goes by that I am not reminded by television, internet, the greedy sons of bitches brilliant minds behind marketing, and even other women themselves that my 'best is just simply not enough'. All the social push and shove and hateration of today's society makes our lives even more stressful than they already are!

We have to worry about finding prince charming, education, career, sex, marriage, eggs, beauty, aging, exercising, nutrition, stress, gray hair, our thighs, having and raising kids, cleaning, cooking and proving we can do it all. Question: Who exactly are we proving that to? Who set the expectations? Who keeps track? What happens when they are not met?! And how the hell are we supposed to do all that sober? I suddenly have a new appreciation for the drunk neighbor with all those kids. I didn't know what she was up against! Forgive me universe!

For me, I think the answer is I set those expectations based on the assumptions those around me will make. I suspect it seems to others that I am lucky to at least be married and have been able to cross prince charming off my list, but I beg to differ. I think because people perceive that to be a difficult fete (there is a serious men shortage - HOLLA single ladies!!) now they expect more accelerated progress on other areas such as children. Wait...take that and rewind it back. Let's discuss this since it is a HUGE issue in my life. The worst thing peeps tend to do is question me on why I don't have children. They can range from family members, friends, co-workers, to even strangers who use this as actual chit chat commentary. (This is why we need a 'how to talk to people' curriculum in our schools - to prevent awkward conversations like these from ever happening!)

No really...peeps got some balls. I don't go around asking others why they haven't lost 40lbs, or why their children are little versions of scary demons, or why they continue to work at a job that they absolutely detest. I was raised right and I talk about that shit BEHIND THEIR BACKS! Never to their face! But apparently that same courtesy is not extended to me and I constantly find myself justifying why I haven't had precious little rug rats. Well let's see...I work 40+ hours a week, I am still trying to finish my education (because nowadays women face even tougher competition against men in corporate america and higher ed usually provides an advantage) and maybe...wait for it....wait.....maybe I just don't want any right now? GASP! YEA I SAID IT! I don't hang others out to dry Salem Witch style for wanting THAT and only that so why am I judged for NOT WANTING THAT.  "But aren't you afraid your eggs will expire?" (Actual question from a person I know) No. I am not afraid they will go from overeasy to fried. In between paying my bills bills bills, working hard for the money (so hard for it honey!), going to school AND being in a marriage I got bigger fish to fry. Will they ever cease and decist? I hope so because I am gonna be forced to act a fool up in hea one of these days in response! 1...2...Meet me outside...meet me outside...(Where you been DMX?! Miss you babes!)

Suck it dude!

As previously mentioned women have to work twice as hard in corporate America to climb that damn ladder. Unless you sleep around... since my company mostly employs gay men that is not really an option for me (DAMN IT!) Also as a fashion retail company there is pressure to look stylish but not too stylish....(Who does she think she is) there are make-up and hair rules that we abide by...then of course is the issue of those extra pounds...who has time work out? Better question: Who actually WANTS to?! Heels or no heels? They are so cute but my feet hurt... I could go on and on.

I am expected to know about 'woman things' but also about 'manly things' like sports, guns and jackass (hands down the most embarrassing moment of the male species: the birth of that show) I should be versed in politics, and the latest trends (by the way both require extensive reading time) Have beers and cocktails. Talk about Sons of Anarchy and the Real Housewives. Be gentle and mothering but also be prepared to open a can a whoop ass. Be passive and aggressive. Play donkey kong and be fierce with a pair of rubber gloves and the clorox bottle.  Listen to Rap/Heavy Metal and Love songs.  Wear jeans and dresses. Be a lady in street but a freak in the bed. The duality of what is expected of women never ends AND is not ever extended to men.
I think the yellow in the rubber gloves would instantly enhance your look gents... Try it sometime. Do it for your Betty....

 Luckily for some of us we may like rap as much as we like love songs (guilty!) But I don't see that kind of pressure put on males. In fact pretty soon women will surpass men in many aspects of our society....so when will we be able to get some slack? Are we the ones who should give ourselves slack? I would like to mention that I am married to a wonderful man who has never asked anything of me but to be happy and love him back...simple right? And yet I still feel that I need to be all these things to be a successful modern woman. Do I?

 Whitney (actually Chaka Khan) says 'I am every woman and that its all in me. Whatever you want I just so happen to do it naturally.' WOA! That's a lot of pressure sister diva. While Shania says 'the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun, and that men shirts and short skirts are totally appropriate while coloring your hair and doing a dare.' (Hard to believe this song actually won a grammy)

Am I a Shania? Or am I a Whitney (minus the crack, which is WACK and battering from Bobby Brown. BOBBY!!!)? Actually I think I am just a girl living in captivity ala Gwen Stefani circa 1995. (Also would like to be a rich girl circa 2004) I am being held captive by the self-inflicted belief that I need to do everything all at the same time. It cannot be done all at once but instead it can be and should be done over a lifetime. This way it can be savored, relished and shared.

 I know what it feels like for a girl (thanks madge) and I just need to do me. Even if sometimes that means not being good at everything...like sewing....sighs.....or doing everything before I am 40...double sighs...So to all the ladies in the place with style and grace...do YOU go watch the Shania video...and get totally crazy and forget you are a lady...

Keep it funky and fierce always.

The Charlie Sheen post...you knew it was coming...

**Disclaimer: This post focuses heavily on the unforeseen but intense connection between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Sheen and I was inspired to write about it. If you are unfamiliar with this 'so called rap music' you are SOL sorry!


"No No No NOTORIOUS!!" This is how I envision Charlie Sheen waking up each morning (or really just between each line of coke he does). His goddesses sing the Puffy part "He is.... He is.... NOTORIOUS" No bitches!!! Don't you know he is a WINNER! For the love of biggie smalls!!! I envision Denise Richards doing the Lil' Kim part "Titties out like wha....don't give a f*#!" (Actual lyrics...sorry Denise...call em like I see em boo!)

Ahhh America...you love a good crash and burn don't cha?! Just like a car accident we just have to slow down and take in the demise of anyone who is a prominent figure in our culture. Politicians, businessmen, media, and specially celebrities. But nobody crashes and burns quite like Senor Sheen. Not even an F-18 BRO!! It all started late last year when this WINNER! was causing all kinds of illegal shennanigans in Room 112 (where the players dwell...) It seemed that from that point on the 'actor' began to conceal less and less just how great he REALLY thinks he is. Along with how much money he has (no need to worry his accountant handles that), and how much he spends on the white magic powder and pussy.....cats. The more he unravels the more I want. The more we want. I thought I told ya that he won't stop.

Are you ready for the Torpedo of TRUTH?!

 Charlie charlie can't you see sometimes your words just hypnotize me. Watching one of his video rants is like being at the perfect corner with nobody standing in your way and witnessing someone fall on their ass. It's just so amusing you can't NOT laugh. Sure you feel bad, just like you would for the person who fell, but that comes after we laugh. I am still on the laughing stage with Carlitos.

There have been so many gems delivered flawlessly by one of America's least talented assholes... yup I said it!.  I have never been a fan....oh you couldn't tell?! Sorry to deceive you, but you don't need to be a fan to be as deeply fascinated as I find myself.

 I had to IMDB his "long list" of accomplishments. First of all as a general life rule, I don't ever watch anything on CBS. Their programming is atrocious not my cup of tea, and being the TV fiend I am, there is nothing remotely interesting about Charlie Sheen, some dude who looks and acts like a D-lister (he makes the academy want to give Kathy Griffin an Oscar) and some ugly little kid. Sorry peeps real talk. (Save your hate mail till the end to make sure you include ALL the ways in which I have offended you!)

I myself take offense to the media saying he comes from hollywood royalty citing his uber talented brother Emilio (really? Mighty ducks? No but really?) And Big Poppa Sheen (AKA Ramon Antonio Gerard Estevez) West Wing? Never saw it but okay. The Departed: such a spectacular movie even Charlie would've been good. No way to fuck that up. Doesn't count. Sure he's been in a LOT of movies but that doesn't make him royalty because unlike Deniro and Williams who have woven themselves into the fabric of our culture, people are over could care less about Big Poppa's roles.

What is it about Carlos that America loves so much? Well let's not get carried away...not all of America loves Charlie o. A big portion of "two and a half men" high ratings comes from the midwest...middle America just lurrrvvvesss that hilarious crazy yahoo. Aint he A HOOT! (As I do my best Paula Deen voice) Sure there are people from other geographic areas who watch it, I've been told many a time by peeps I know that it is sooo hilarious and a must see. Um...No thanks.

The Adonis has had the famous family, the money, the status, and the beautiful women. Why wouldn't America root for him? He's hot and sicker than your average: drug abuse, prostitution, amazing inappropriateness, deranged arrogance, a certified winner with tigerblood running through his veins with uncanny hand-eye coordination to properly handle a machete. I bet you bitches can't do all that. DUH WINNER!
 No matter how many times he screws up we are there foaming at the mouth to give him another chance, solely for the purposes of an even bigger fall.

The fact that CS became a cash cow for CBS is a direct indication of just how lousy television has become in the last decade. CBS knew that hiring Charlie given his track record was a risky bet but it resulted in millions. How ya living Charlie Sheen? In mansions, in Benzes giving ends to my friends and it feels stupendous. The good life always has an expiration date. Believe it. Charlie is exactly like a derivative. Built up from nothing but selling itself as the playa with the mostest. And like derivatives it can only work for so long when the entity at the center of it all is so clearly unstable. No rational human being says in the utmost seriousness that reciting lines is worth more than a measily $7 mil.  Not even Gary Busey would say that.

For Charlie Mo money does not equate to mo problems, and to the trolls at CBS it was all about the Benjamins all along... AND STILL IS...so who watched out for Charlie? Nobody did. Not his family, not his management, not his wife ( & ex-wives) and certainly NOT his dealer. While he has absolutely contributed to the one-liner hall of fame (right next to "DON'T TASE ME BRO!"), his life is a sad pathetic attempt at undeserving greatness. If CBS is truly in talks with him to bring him back to the show, AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE ON we have not yet seen the full scope of what is to come: (MORE AMAZING YOUTUBE VIDEOS). Regardless my advice to Charlie is to hoard all the coke and alize he can get his hands on.
I am sorry warlock but the ride is slowing down and your time is nearing its' end. Unless of course you release a sex tape with Big Poppa playing in the background then we start back at square 1.
So the only question that remains is...What would Biggie do?