Man...I FEEL like a WOMAN!

I wonder who Don is screwing now...

 Remember the good old days when all women had to do was put on some make-up, a few pearls, cook, clean and take care of the kids? Ala Betty Draper... Nope me either!!! We don't remember because those days are loooong gone my friends. All the women who independent throw your hands up at me...If you are a dude, don't give up on this post just yet. This isn't a "feminist rant" (I just cringed at the sound of that but I gots to speak the hombre language) It's an honest and genuine opinion on how much pressure there is on women that men could never possibly understand. NEVER. EVER. Unless you became a woman and lived as one for years. Reverse of Cher's daughter/son...whatever.

I am the money honey

Not that long ago, women did not go to college, run corporations or were the major sources of income for their families.  These are certainly great overdue accomplishments (obvs), the problem is that as we acquired market share over men, we never shed the other duties/expectations. They just keep piling up and now women are in so deep, sometimes it feels like we are going to drown.

So who feels like they are fighting for their lives as the big tidal wave approaches?! Me. I am not sure how I got here, but...shit being a woman is HARD. Fo reals! I mean like REALLY hard. Not a second goes by that I am not reminded by television, internet, the greedy sons of bitches brilliant minds behind marketing, and even other women themselves that my 'best is just simply not enough'. All the social push and shove and hateration of today's society makes our lives even more stressful than they already are!

We have to worry about finding prince charming, education, career, sex, marriage, eggs, beauty, aging, exercising, nutrition, stress, gray hair, our thighs, having and raising kids, cleaning, cooking and proving we can do it all. Question: Who exactly are we proving that to? Who set the expectations? Who keeps track? What happens when they are not met?! And how the hell are we supposed to do all that sober? I suddenly have a new appreciation for the drunk neighbor with all those kids. I didn't know what she was up against! Forgive me universe!

For me, I think the answer is I set those expectations based on the assumptions those around me will make. I suspect it seems to others that I am lucky to at least be married and have been able to cross prince charming off my list, but I beg to differ. I think because people perceive that to be a difficult fete (there is a serious men shortage - HOLLA single ladies!!) now they expect more accelerated progress on other areas such as children. Wait...take that and rewind it back. Let's discuss this since it is a HUGE issue in my life. The worst thing peeps tend to do is question me on why I don't have children. They can range from family members, friends, co-workers, to even strangers who use this as actual chit chat commentary. (This is why we need a 'how to talk to people' curriculum in our schools - to prevent awkward conversations like these from ever happening!)

No really...peeps got some balls. I don't go around asking others why they haven't lost 40lbs, or why their children are little versions of scary demons, or why they continue to work at a job that they absolutely detest. I was raised right and I talk about that shit BEHIND THEIR BACKS! Never to their face! But apparently that same courtesy is not extended to me and I constantly find myself justifying why I haven't had precious little rug rats. Well let's see...I work 40+ hours a week, I am still trying to finish my education (because nowadays women face even tougher competition against men in corporate america and higher ed usually provides an advantage) and maybe...wait for it....wait.....maybe I just don't want any right now? GASP! YEA I SAID IT! I don't hang others out to dry Salem Witch style for wanting THAT and only that so why am I judged for NOT WANTING THAT.  "But aren't you afraid your eggs will expire?" (Actual question from a person I know) No. I am not afraid they will go from overeasy to fried. In between paying my bills bills bills, working hard for the money (so hard for it honey!), going to school AND being in a marriage I got bigger fish to fry. Will they ever cease and decist? I hope so because I am gonna be forced to act a fool up in hea one of these days in response! 1...2...Meet me outside...meet me outside...(Where you been DMX?! Miss you babes!)

Suck it dude!

As previously mentioned women have to work twice as hard in corporate America to climb that damn ladder. Unless you sleep around... since my company mostly employs gay men that is not really an option for me (DAMN IT!) Also as a fashion retail company there is pressure to look stylish but not too stylish....(Who does she think she is) there are make-up and hair rules that we abide by...then of course is the issue of those extra pounds...who has time work out? Better question: Who actually WANTS to?! Heels or no heels? They are so cute but my feet hurt... I could go on and on.

I am expected to know about 'woman things' but also about 'manly things' like sports, guns and jackass (hands down the most embarrassing moment of the male species: the birth of that show) I should be versed in politics, and the latest trends (by the way both require extensive reading time) Have beers and cocktails. Talk about Sons of Anarchy and the Real Housewives. Be gentle and mothering but also be prepared to open a can a whoop ass. Be passive and aggressive. Play donkey kong and be fierce with a pair of rubber gloves and the clorox bottle.  Listen to Rap/Heavy Metal and Love songs.  Wear jeans and dresses. Be a lady in street but a freak in the bed. The duality of what is expected of women never ends AND is not ever extended to men.
I think the yellow in the rubber gloves would instantly enhance your look gents... Try it sometime. Do it for your Betty....

 Luckily for some of us we may like rap as much as we like love songs (guilty!) But I don't see that kind of pressure put on males. In fact pretty soon women will surpass men in many aspects of our society....so when will we be able to get some slack? Are we the ones who should give ourselves slack? I would like to mention that I am married to a wonderful man who has never asked anything of me but to be happy and love him back...simple right? And yet I still feel that I need to be all these things to be a successful modern woman. Do I?

 Whitney (actually Chaka Khan) says 'I am every woman and that its all in me. Whatever you want I just so happen to do it naturally.' WOA! That's a lot of pressure sister diva. While Shania says 'the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun, and that men shirts and short skirts are totally appropriate while coloring your hair and doing a dare.' (Hard to believe this song actually won a grammy)

Am I a Shania? Or am I a Whitney (minus the crack, which is WACK and battering from Bobby Brown. BOBBY!!!)? Actually I think I am just a girl living in captivity ala Gwen Stefani circa 1995. (Also would like to be a rich girl circa 2004) I am being held captive by the self-inflicted belief that I need to do everything all at the same time. It cannot be done all at once but instead it can be and should be done over a lifetime. This way it can be savored, relished and shared.

 I know what it feels like for a girl (thanks madge) and I just need to do me. Even if sometimes that means not being good at everything...like sewing....sighs.....or doing everything before I am 40...double sighs...So to all the ladies in the place with style and grace...do YOU go watch the Shania video...and get totally crazy and forget you are a lady...

Keep it funky and fierce always.