She said I am the one...

Really this DUDE?!?!?

 She certainly wasn't a beauty queen from a movie scene. But that didn't stop the terminator from governating in someone else's lady wonder land. Other than his wife's. Or mistress', or goumada's, or main bitch...whatevs they are all just chicks anyway right Arnold?! "She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son..." he desperately says to Maria who is already crying those overly-dramatic Kennedy tears. Bitch please! Is anyone really surprised by any of this?! Arnold has been dancing on the floor in the round FOR YEARS. I guess it is hard to have respect for someone who always showed such little respect for women and also the art of acting ("I am the party pooper") EW. People told him be careful what you do...don't go around breaking young girls' hearts...but he just couldn't resist. Like a lot of men in our society today (not necessarily in power or famous) they commit adultery as often as they drop a deuce. It's 'just like part of our anatomy' they say. I says bullshit. They make a conscious decision to have whatever they want when they want it without regard for their spouses or girlfriends. Didn’t their mothers tell them be careful who you love and be careful what you do. Remember to always think twice. DO THINK TWICE.

 

I don't understand adultery. I imagine it happens like the beginning of one of MJ's treasures featured in this post. When I hear Billie Jean...an unstoppable chemical reaction takes over my body. As the beat drops I stop speaking and I just react. It happens slowly...first I am like OH yea with a head nod. Then slowly my hips begin to move. The shoulders, the always ill-timed MJ tossing dollars move comes in to play at about 20 seconds after my first CHIKAH! I love the high notes in the background...HEEEEE… HEEEE... And by the chorus I've already grabbed my crotch 3 times, attempted and failed miserably at the moon walk rocking like I got ants in mah pants. I just can't help myself. Is that how cheating is for men? Does it sort of just sneak up on them and their bodies take over their better judgment? She came and stood right by me then the smell of sweet perfume. This happened much too soon she called me to her room…Maybe the first time, but what about the other times?

I am going to getcha...

I'd love to go all Chris Hansen on men caught red-handed cheating and just simply ask...why? Elliot, Tiger, Bill, JFK, Jesse, Jude (also a fan of the nanny), Tony, Ryan,Hugh, Charlie…For forty days and forty nights the law was on her side but who can stand when she's in demand Is it the power? Is it the entitlement? Is it just about the sex? More sex? New sex? Different sex?  Many studies say it goes beyond sex. Is it the monotony of a life devoid of risk? Why not just get a divorce? Is it truly a physiological need? IT'S NOT A TUMOR! I'd like to make clear that I have absolutely no qualms against being a male slut. If chlamydia is what you are down for more power to ya! There are women stupid enough to have sex with you anyway. Suit yourself. What I don't understand is why these men get married in the first place. If you know you can't be trusted around a bush, then why marry one?! Be careful what you do cause the lie becomes the truth... Enough with the true lies!

But I thought I WAS YOUR MAIN BITCH?!?!

It is not a secret that men have been cheating since 1BC does not mean Before Christ. Some men say very openly and confidently that they NEED to cheat. Yea you read that right. They take care of their needs outside of the home so they can focus on their wife and children and be the best husband they can be. REALLY?! Wow aint that some shiz! You know what a good husband does? He doesn't cheat! And he also takes out the garbage. Then there's the 'we are not wired to be monogamous'. That is right! I am so glad you brought that up because we are not robots. As humans we make a conscious choice to be monogamous. Just like we control our urge to slap stupid people, rob banks just to go on a shopping spree, and say racist things even though we really think they are true. It is an art. A skill. A little somethin somethin known as self-control. I truly think there are some people who are worth putting in the effort. But I guess men are too busy being fuck tards to notice. And finally my favorite reason why 'allegedly' men cheat is that their wife drove them to it. Oh really?! Are you sure you weren't already a scum bag and a fight with your wife/or gfriend solidified your resolve and gave you the courage to do something you have been always down for? Uh huh that's what I thought...throw a dance on the floor in the round...

I have a theory that men cheat because they can and it is really THAT simple. I mean it is men we're talking about here. (Sorry peens that's real talk). They go somewhere, do their bidness, take a shower and they're done. The evidence is easily discarded. Just like a child who gets away with his first lie, men continue to go a little further each time until eventually they are so drunk with power they become invincible. Greek tragedy anyone?! Enter Arnold who like so many before him and probably after, shit where he eats, and he WILL BE BACK!! I mean what kind of balls do you have to have to keep something like that going for 20 years!!! Huge steel ones I imagine...I am slightly jealous. And all the coordination?! I mean guys let's be real for a hot minute, you can't multi-task but you can manage multiple bitches for over 20 years?! REALLY?!?! Did Maria know?! Of course she did!!! She told my baby we'd danced 'till three...Then she looked at me then showed a photo of a baby crying his eyes looked like mine... And this is the final part of my theory. Men do it because they know certain women (whether they admit it to themselves or not) will put up with just about any old fuckery to maintain what society tells us is the natural order of things. Marriage, white picket fence, kids, we basically force people to fake it till they make it. You don't even have to be married. I have met so many people in relationships defined as "better than being alone"... Men use this and go straight to the bank! Go on dance on the floor in the round, baby

I know what the hombres are thinking as they read this post. WTF women cheat too!! Yes they do but this post is about men as they are the primary offenders. Plus I will ALWAYS be loyal to mah bitches, don't get it twisted! So peens listen up, you want to know what takes real balls?! It takes balls to admit that thru no fault of either party the relationship is ending and you want to go your separate ways. It takes cajones to say I have self-control and enough respect for you to tell you that I no longer love you and want to have sexy time with someone else. It takes real fuckin balls to be a decent human being and tell the truth no matter how hard, how awkward, or what the consequences.

 

I feel badly for that roid spawn. It is bad enough when one parent cheats but to be the product of two adulterer parents must be difficult. He will undoubtedly one day cheat on a woman and continue the cycle. But until that day comes...let's hope nobody ever asks this poor child "who is your daddy and what does he do?!" Hasta la vista to his family pride and dignity.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

**In honor of MJ all posts for the next month will feature his amazing music!

Taming of the chew...AND my lady hump!

Birds chirping...pain at my side. Sun is shining...my legs rub together. A warm breeze hits me...these spanx are so dammnnn tight and I am so sweaty! Listen Beyonce I know you say a little sweatin never hurt nobody...sorry boo shiz hurts! How many more stairs are there?! What did I buy at whole foods? Rocks?! Why are these bags so heavy?! Jesus Christ I really need to get back in shape! Sound familiar?! Check it, direct it, let's begin...that's the sound of summer knockin' at your door. We hibernate and hide under clothes all winter and like a bad case of the Herps bare legs and tight clothes hit you out of nowhere. BAM!! I am back here again where I have to rebalance my diet and excercise habits...it can't ALL end with Pijama jeans can it? That infomercial is CRACK! Whatcha gon' do wit all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? Well WILL.I.AM. I, is about to tell you...my lovely little lumps need to get whipped into shape because I gots to stay a PYT!!!

 

Have you ever met someone who makes noises while they eat? "MMMmmm...sooo good" Or overly exxagerates how delicious something is? "WOWW I dieee for this mac and cheese" Hi nice to meet you. I do that. I just can't help it!! I like to eat and tell people about it like its going out of style and every meal is my last. Yummy in my tummy is very important and I take it seriously. So as the weather gets nicer I am reminded that no matter how hard I try spanx can only do so much. The sitch as it stands is that I gotta eat less and drag my baby gots back to the gymola. SO SIMPLE!! Right..? Then why is it so hard?!?

The Food
 

I am an emotional eater. Just like Oprah. I feel you guuuurl. I've never been one of those people who was naturally thin. "My doctor told me I need to eat more" Augh I want to kick those biotches in the crotch! Even if that IS the case, keep it to yourself will you?! So I have genes AND emotions working against me. I highly envy people who just can't 'bare the thought' of eating when they are stressed. For me it is the exact opposite. I want to eat. Consume everything in my sight. What a girl wants is some comfort food. Also when I want to celebrate I want to 'indulge' because you know I deserve it and all that jazz.  They say if you love something let it go...and if it comes back its yours...um no sorry X-tina. I don't know when the next time this delicious food will make its way back to me. Like most other things I blame my parents. They spoiled me and let me eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. I remember when I had to sit my father down for a talk on the significant difference between buying coke rather than pepsi. Amateur hour. What a brat I was! I wish they had bitch slapped some sense into me. WHERE ARE MY DUNKAROOS?!?! Remember those?! Thatsssss wayy back!

 

As an adult I am just supposed to know how to change my ways now?! Aint that some shiz!!! (Sorry peeps I still CAN'T stop saying that) As I've gotten older I have tried being vegan, eating 'clean' and limiting/eliminating my intake of processed foods. I went years without soda or fast food. I am talking very long very painful YEARS. But my adoration for food and specifically dairy knows no boundaries! QUESO!!!!!! I have feelings toward cheese that no human being should ever experience. There aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley low enough...to keep me from getting to cheese. I'd probably sell out my husband for cheese if it came down to it. Of course it would at least have to be artisan fancy cheese, not that american cheddar bullshit. I remember the look on my doctors face when I asked about diseases related to cheese 'For example the opposite of being lactose intolerant. I am like overly lactose tolerant. Could this be some kind of illness?!' You know how that ended!! My idea of heaven is an endless platter of cheese, french baguettes and hundreds of puppies and kittens (bec they are cute and wouldn't judge my cheese palooza - not for eating silly rabbit!) Maybe I need some rehab. I got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it my dreams. I'm looking down every alley, I'm making those desperate calls. What you got queso is hard to find...I think about it all the time!  Unfortunetely for me and my lazy metabolism a minute on my lips goes right to my hips. I can now understand how hard it is for Charlie Sheen. Hi I am Maria and I am a Brie addict. Hiiiiii Maria.

The GYM 

Please don't stand so close to me. No really for reals...could you and your sweat pool find somewhere else to stand? I wouldn't say the gym is a place that I look forward to going.  I am under no circumstances a germaphobe but the gym and its rampant dirtyness really turns me off. The annoying people who like to walk around with their coochies out in the locker room. And how am I NOT supposed to stare when it is like jungle fever in the lady area? The meat heads who grunt so loud everyone in the joint knows how strong they are grrrr (ooonnnne HUNDRED), the bug-a-boos who want to strike up a conversation while you are on uphill: I can barely breathe and I am on the fence as to whether I am having chest pains due to a heart attack and you are just shooting the shit?! REALLY?! What makes you think I can run AND talk to you?! The people who hit on you (not that I would know per se but I have seen it happen)...I am pretty sure I won't be putting those boys on rock rock. And they won't be lining down the block for what I got any time soon considering I look like chucky while I exercise. If I don't kill you first I might just kill myself. I be up in the gym just working on my fitness...I don't need a witness...

Unfortunetely without gym time no significant progress can be made toward a healthier lifestyle, at least for me. It is just soooo hard to physically get there isn't it?! We play mind games with ourselves and for me having a busy schedule it is my go-to-fail-proof-excuse. Real talk: the entire time I am exercising I am in misery and there aint nobody who can comfort me...But the truth is I want to love my ass (again) in seven jeans, true religion. And keep on demonstrating my hump, (ha) my lovely lady lumps.   A cleverly crafted playlist helps me manage my desire to just die right there in the middle of Gold's Gym. Thank you Pitbull, Kanye, and Brit brit.

As summer gets closer and closer I can't wish that my metabolism start moving at the rate of rock lobster instead of a ballad. I tried praying but that hasn't really worked for me. I guess J-bro has more important things to tend to. Whatevs. I thought we were all children of god. (Go ahead just write the hate mail now BRING IT) I wouldn't say moderation is a notion I am familiar with as my life has always been a bevy of extremes. And since it looks like I will be in the queso olympics for life the only thing left to do is drag my B - DOUBLE - O - T- Y - OH MY! to the gym!! Aside from the weight loss we all know how much more energy we gain from exercising. After an exhausting winter I am ready to take care of myself again and I invite you to do it with me. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my tight pants. I got a feeling and it is not going to be my legs rubbing together.  I got a feeling this is my summer. I got a feeling that tonight is gonna be a good night.

So I have no choice but to go old school, cause I am an old fool. Who is so cool. Here are some of my must have gym grooves:

1) The Anthem - Pitbull
2) It takes two - Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock
3) Back in Black - ACDC
4) Survivor - Destiny's Child
5) Stronger - Kanye West
6) Let's get retarded - BEP I prefer this much more to the 'PC' version
7) Just fine - MJB
8) Tambourine - Eve
9) Feedback - Ms Jackson if you're nasty!
10) Get me bodied - Beyonce

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

This week's post was inspired by a conversation I had with a very dear friend. Now I have to keep it 100 so I am gonna tell you the first time he brought it up I kind of dismissed it as his usual antics. Not only is he easy on the eyes but he likes to mess with your mind like inception. Over a delicious breakfast weeks later it came up again. This time it was clear that he was absolutely serious. He was discussing The Illuminati and their tight grip on our society. REALLY?! Yes fo realsies peeps. I couldn't help but hear the better half of GB in my ear...'I remember when I lost my mind...I was out of touch but it wasn't because I didn't know enough. I just knew too much...' I was at first surprised and mildly interested because 1) he is a highly intelligent person whose opinion I very much respect and 2) because he stores a lot of knowledge and facts in that perfectly gelled head of his. So I listened but I am not sure how we ended up at this place where I contemplated if he was REALLY the friend I've known and loved for over a decade. Was he? I was shocked later when the website he was getting some of his information from was very much a religious one. Usually he is the only one who shares my repugnancy towards religion...hmm

'Does that make him crazy...? Probably..' And the knowledge pouring out of him came out such at such a fast pace my unprepared brain was more concerned with eating the 2 over easy eggs and hash browns I had in front of me before they got cold. So let's dive in and talk about some of these things. But first things first: what/who exactly are The Illuminati?! Apparently my knowledge from Tupac's album was not going to cut it. If you google it this appears: People claiming to possess special enlightenment or knowledge of something. The next definition says: A sect of 16th-century Spanish heretics who claimed special religious enlightenment. Then another reads: A Bavarian secret society founded in 1776, organized like the Freemasons. Oh okay now that THAT'S cleared up we can move on. Some of the groups and individuals said to be involved are from past history, some modern, some real and some fictitious. OH GOOD. That was going to be my next question. Glad that very important distinction was made: could be real, could be fake whatevs! Their purpose: to control everything from the mayo we use on our turkey sandwiches to world affairs and eventually our minds through the use of corporations, mass media, celebrities and music yielding the end result of a new world order. I stopped for a moment here and pondered the hidden messages in the music I listen to... Ice Cube telling me 'I can do it as long as I put my ass into it... ' or '1, 2 3 and to the 4 Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr. Dre is at the door. Compton and Long Beach together now you know you in trouble' Or Juvi's compliment: 'U's a fine motha fucker won't cha back that ass up' or Lil Jon advising 'to the window to the wall...stop then wiggle with it!' Get low hoodrats because The Illuminati is coming for your fat juicy asses and they got Warren G to regulate!

Okay but seriously (HA! riiiight when is this blog shiz ever serious...sorry but if you want serious you aint gonna find it here) we have all heard our share of conspiracy theories: Did men really walk on the moon? Does area 51 exist & are there aliens on earth? Was the US government behind 9/11? Who really killed JFK? Does the lochness monster exist? Is Will Smith with the MIB (the galaxy defenders...the one that you remember)?Is Ryan Seacrest's hair real?...too many questions but not enough answers...The bigger question (at least to me) is how does having this 'knowledge' or being aware of things like conspiracy theories actually affect our everyday lives if at all? I love my life. Sure I could certainly be richer and thinner (couldn't we all) but for the most part I am enjoying this ride. 'And I hope that you are having the time of your life...But think twice that's my only advice...' I still do what I want don't I?! If I don't want mayo on my friggin turkey I say NO MAYO!...'Ha ha ha bless your soul...you really think you're in control?' I felt my appetite diminish...but only for a few seconds thank god. Then I was back! What was going on here?! Is he really saying I don't have any control of my life? That none of us do? Is my beloved lady gaga brain washing our minds...really?!  Even HOV?! Yes even him. The mass media uses occult symbolism in everything to condition our way of thinking, he tells me. Wait so is it like the matrix?! Maybe. But why wouldn't I make myself super hot if I created my own fake world? You don't create the matrix they do. Fuck! I have to re-watch that movie...

After what seemed like a long conversation, while my husband paid the bill we walked outside to intoxicating spring weather FINALLY! I felt a huge wave of satisfaction wash over me and I pulled him aside and said "I get what you are saying but sometimes just feeling the sun shine on me is all I need to know and feel that I am alive and an active participant in my life and I don't give a shit about The Illuminati" Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe there is nothing to be ignorant about. Maybe Dennis Rodman is an alien controlling our minds and using The Illuminati to distract us. Maybe Gary Busey is my real father. Maybe Elvis is working at the commack deli. Maybe MJ really was white and Billie Jean really is his love. Maybe Georgie Dubbya is actually a rocket scientist. Maybe just maybe AC Slater isn't really gay. Maybe Narnia exists. Maybe there really are vampires. Maybe the Knicks are good (okay that's REALLY a stretch) Maybe the beibs is really a girl. Maybe the Juice is innocent (TOO FAR!!)...maybe I could actually be living my life instead of wondering about so many things I really have no control over....like Ryan Seacrest's hair...but how does he get it so perfect all the time?!?!

I don't judge my friend, even though I absolutely want to (just keepin it reals) But he and I have had many a discussion of how preaching turns us off specially from our 'religious' friends. Just because the topic isn't religious per se doesn't mean I didn't feel like I was being preached to.  I won't think less of him, never!!! He stuck by me and helped me through when I felt the most alone while my husband faught a war. I don't take things like that lightly. I love him and I think he is a great man. I just worry. I want him to enjoy the best years of his life because before we know it, one of us will helping the other one go to the bathroom! EW..... 'We're  never gonna survive unless we get little crazy...' Seal... so ahead of his time. It's time we start worrying less about who might be running the show and when this place might blow. Because no matter how much we worry and search for answers we may never get them. Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is rather like one of the greatest songs ever written: Bohemian Rhapsody. What do the fuck does it all mean? 'Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Scaramouche will you do the fandango? Galileo Magnifico!' WTF indeed! But just because we don't exactly know its meaning or purpose doesn't mean we can't enjoy it.

So today I say to you go insane go insane throw some glitter and make it rain. It's perfectly acceptable to try to search for answers and try crawling out of the cave Plato told us about but don't forget to live your life while you do it.

To my friend I say... "I think you're crazy....I think you are crazy....just like me..." I love you always.

 Paternity test is in: Gary Busey is not my father even though we seem to display similar traits of incoherent rants and ridicolous displays of random behavior.

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous.