Anything you can do I can do better

The inspiration for this week's blog happened after witnessing a few disturbing exchanges between women... But before we get to that I am gonna take you back. Way back to 7th grade. I remember this day so vividly (mostly because of the trauma and embarrassment) that I could close my eyes and I would be right back in that moment. It was lunch time and I was about to enjoy a delicious pretzel and a raspberry snapple in the caf with my peeps when I see Lisa (I will refrain from providing a last name, but when you are a slutty whoare who needs one anyway?!) Bee-lining straight to me. In case you didn't get my not-so-subtle language we weren't besties. She stood in front of me and for a second I wished my xmas wish had come true and I had grown a few inches taller just like I'd asked. I thought she was going to take me out. "I would like to know why you are wearing the same shirt I am wearing?" I almost laughed in her face but refrained. "Um...because its from the gap and everyone shops there?" I offered hoping maybe to clear up confusion about Gap being some cosmic fashion destination nobody knew about. She told me if I ever wore the same thing she did I would be in 'serious trouble'. The entire scene is laughable now, but I steered clear of the gap for that entire season.

So now that I've exposed myself its time for some real talk ladies. Let's cut the shit. There has been a huge shift in how women treat each other in friendships and outside of them that has reached ridic levels of rivalry. In my day, while Lisa wasn't a friend, she came right up to me and confronted me. Those uncivilized days are over. We are above that now, and the new way to play the game is to one-up-each other on everything and create mind games that leave me wanting a mind-condom because all the mind-fucking is just unbearable! (Thank you Ronnie for the best quote of all time!)This behavior led to the creation of the word frienemy. You know them, they aren't really your friends...but not quite your enemy...more like a fierce competitor in a game called 'bitch I aint throwing in the towel'. I had a couple of frenemies when I was younger and it took me a long long time 1) to realize it 2) accept it and finally 3) deal with it.

As a society, americans are EXTREMELY competitive. But you didn't need me to tell you that when strokes and heart attacks are happening to people who are in decent shape younger in their life. Women get upset when we are viewed as catty, deceitful caniving and constantly in rivalry with each other. But ladies, this is our MO. Is she wearing that shirt from H&M again?! Oh your baby doesn't sleep through the night? Mine did. Oh my husband KNOWS better than to do that. Oh you are a stay at-home-mom...that must be nice. Wow that dress looks so good on you! (Thinking: you so don't deserve to have it AND you got it on sale? Fuckin bitch) So you actually took your entire maternity leave? Oh my god, you are getting way too skinny (I want you to feel bad about yourself so then we can be miserable together) YOU ALL KNOW exactly what I am talking about. One-up-manship has become such a ruthless sport that it has even sprawled its own olympic-like competition. Apparently the olympics are in session in a lot of female friendships. My conondrum is WHY?! I get why we do that with people that we are not really friendly with (co-workers, train riders, schoolmates, or that way too hot (for their own good) person at the gym)But what's the point among a trusted friend? Wait do I even trust them? Are they actually my friend? Is it me? Am I insecure? Is it them? Am I just looking for approval? Are they? So many questions, so many mind games and just not enough time.

Eventually I could no longer handle the competition and ceased friendships that in one case had been in place since middle school. It was difficult, but I came to realize you shouldn't be friends with someone who can't find happiness in your own and must top everything you do at all times. Duh! Sounds soooooo obvious doesn't it? But it starts in such subtle tiny ways that it is almost hard to detect until 1 day you wake up and say 'who does this bitch think she is'. The problem is a lot of us don't want to be the one who gets one-upped. So we roll up our sleeves and start the clock! And that's how we got to today.

As women don't we face enough competition in the workplace against women AND men? Isn't life hard enough? Time consumption was a huge factor in my decision to end my relationships with my frienemies. Mind games are very time consuming and require a lot of effort, unless of course you are Ben Linus. But we aren't all as skilled and eventually I just realized if I was trying to remember what mind game we play on tuesdays I wasn't cut out to participate.

We all know women don't dress for men, we dress for that 'oh my god where did you get that?' comment. But maybe its time to ponder a wardrobe change on our friendships. Take off the wigs, the make-up, the elaborate costumes and end the theater. This is real life and drama is bound to happen. But we might be better off improvising through the drama rather than constantly rehearsing for our toxic curtain call.

Say my name

Slim Shady

Juliet once quipped "What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."  Well...I don't know sweet Juliet... would a middle aged and hairy man also named "Leonardo DiCaprio" give goose bumps to women everywhere as the movie star does?  Probably not.  Just ask the thousands of Jennifer Lopez' around the tri-state area who have to hear everyday that they don't have the (AHEM!) assets that Jenny from the block has....

"Sonny had 5 fingers but he only used three"

Some believe that our name gives people the first inkling of our personality.  Really?  Cause in that case I am a Spanish maid who doesn't speak ingles.  Or at least that's how I am portrayed in every movie.  How about the name Calogero? Do you expect a flash back to a Bronx Tale?  Wendy?  A trip to never never land?  Elvis?  Heart Break Hotel anyone? While I agree that our names (specially what we consider "ethnic" ones) do give people some insight into what we might be like, we are held hostage by our OWN associations of those names.  For example there are a few female names that remind me of ruthless high school bitches and when I hear them I cringe.  I have already made up my mind about what I am going to encounter when I meet them.  Happy to report most of the time I am wrong. Keyword: most

As someone who grew up with one of the worst names a child could ever be given (again hostage to my own associations) I can tell you that for years I felt like my name didn't do me justice.  I would do everything I could to spice it up.  I went through a phase in 5th grade of adding an "H" at the end so people would call me Mariah.  I also would change the pronunciation to sound like Daria.  Haha...good times that lasted for a week at most.
Then in high school a miracle happened... A sophomore asked me to borrow a pencil (oh my god I know!! I was so psyched he was even talking to me!) in class and when he asked my name he thought I said "Mia" and I did what any normal name hater would do: rolled with it. It became my nickname, and for some just my actual name because I never bothered to correct them.  Once high school ended it was hard to keep the nick name.  It seemed to have lost momentum...although a select few out there still do use it from time to time.  Not a day goes by though that someone doesn't sing "Maria" from west side story or asks me about "how to solve a problem" like myself...
Followed by "Has anyone ever sang that to you?" Nope never. Not once. I know it REALLY is hard to believe. (I can't help it! I have to have a little fun!)

Others believe our names can cause some serious psycholopgical consequences. If a name is difficult to pronounce or it rhymes with the word diarrhea (maria), the jeering from our peers can linger into adulthood. Those fucking kids are cruel!

It is true that we may need time to grow into our names. The moment I took my married name I finally felt like my name fit me. Well first and last that is. Middle I will despise for life!

Parents have much to ponder including some of the above when choosing the "perfect" name for their children.  To be fair, I do know some people with horrendous names who have made the most of them.  But how can you be certain a child will do that name justice?  You don't I guess but I've had my (non-existent) children's names picked out since I was 12.  I think they will hate them when they are young... and when they ask why I ruined their lives I will say "Tigers die and leave their skins; people die and leave their names."

They will thank me when they are older and wiser...just like their mother!

Here is a list of awesome songs that if had that been my name I would have been elated to have people sing to me:

1) Jesse's girl - Rick Springfield
2) Only the good die young (Virginia) - Billy Joel
3) Angie - Rolling Stones
4) Maggie May - Rod Stewart
5) Alison - Elvis Costello
6) Billie Jean - MJ
7) Dirty Diana - MJ
8) Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel
9) Crackling Rosie - Neil Diamond
10) Delilah - Queen

The Ex- Files

As the new year gets under way the usual after-holidays break-ups begin to emerge.  First it starts with the weird facebook posts, slowly pictures go missing from photo albums and then the ultimate coming out to the world as your new and improved single self:

That's right you all know it... the moment your newsfeed is no longer the mundane minutia of "going to the gym" or "just had the best sandwich ever" and becomes a little more exciting and intriguing.  At this point one becomes thankful for facebook otherwise you wouldn't know a damn thing.  Or at least that's how I feel.  But as someone who never had an "ex" (I know totally lame! unless you count Adam who I dated for two ENTIRE periods in 10th grade, and Peter who I dated for about 3 days in 11th grade) I am in the dark when it comes to the treatment of an ex.

I know it's hard to believe but I've never had the satisfaction of stalking someone (while listening to Everything But The Girl) to see if the new bitch is better or worse than me...or cathartically thrown a drink in a jerk's face.  I have come across many jerks in my time, unfortunately none warranted a drink thrown at them.  I've never listened to Alanis' You oughta know while throwing clothes out my apartment window...such a shame...those dramatic antics would suit me well...

PB was right, love IS a battlefield and if it's rough during...it's ruthless after it is all over and an ex can be difficult and tricky to deal with.  Well someone else's ex that is...this post was inspired as recent relationships of some friends and family have ended and I am clueless as to how to handle the exes.  Before facebook took over my life, it was nearly impossible to run into the exes randomly, and in some cases I was lucky to remain friends with some of them. There were no issues back in the day but now...Do we stay friends on facebook? What if I un-friend them and then they get back together? Is it okay to friend the new girlfriend or boyfriend? How long should I wait before I do that?...so many questions and so much uncertainty when it comes to the answers...

I guess I could do nothing and just see what happens but I wouldn't say patience is my virtue per se. These ex files may be open for awhile and some may never be closed.  There will be a new crop of future exes before I finish typing this post anyway so I wonder if it really matters...

I dedicate this post to a special "ex" whom had I not stayed in touch with, I might have never discovered that she is my female soul mate; she understands me better than most and whose friendship I value and cherish.  She was the ex of a friend that I don't even talk to anymore.  She is infuriatingly intelligent, beautiful and the epitome of a true classy gal.  I love her and am so thankful I didn't un-friend her from my life.  Not that I could have even if I tried...

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...When first we practice to deceive!

All lies are a form of deception...right? Nope! I don't buy it! Some lies are justified and even necessary to all of our existence. Just this week I heard myself tell 5 lies.

Does that make me a deceptive person?

Maybe I will be getting one of these for Valentine's Day!

For years we have been told to be truthful and honest but how can you be both without sometimes hurting others? You can't. People can't even handle sarcasm (which is also a form of deception - supposedly) let alone the truth! The bigger question is what do we get out of hurting peeps by being honest? Most of us lie everyday (granted some more than others) but it is hardly to deceive others toward a negative purpose. We often lie to protect others' feelings, our own; because of embarrassment, or lack of some kind of acceptance.

I used to get $1 per tooth!

I love his vest so stylish!

But how does it start? As a child I learned to lie from my parents...they lied to me so much: "Trust me - I know better", "If you eat your vegetables you will grow taller", "If you watch tv too close you will go blind" and of course my fave trio: the tooth fairy, the easter bunny and Santa...need I say more? It didn't take me long to catch on and in turn I lied to get out of trouble or get my way...and it usually worked!

Turns out that lying in children is highly associated with intelligence. Now hear me out parents: A kiddie who recognizes the truth, then chooses to concoct an alternative and then sells it to an adult is using and developing their cognitive and social skills. The truth is just too simple for the above average munchkins! So if your kid stars lying to you...remember that means they are super smart!!!

Just so we are clear I am not in favor of all types of lies so let's break em down:

1) Big Lies - Think along the lines of "Iraq has WMDs" - Not cool

2) Bold-face lie - "I wanted to give you a raise but the final decision is out of my control" - hahah we've all heard that one! A little texture about where this expression came from...it started as "bald-face" lie in the 17th century when those without facial hair (and I guess nothing to hide behind) were deemed the most honest and most likely to get away with a lie. Then it somehow morphed into "bold-face" because of the arrogance and boldness the liar used in their tone. Now you know where that came from - but those are certainly not cool!

3) White Lies: "Yes your new hair cut does look great!" - Totally cool because the alternative can be hurtful - and the bright side is it will grow back eventually!

4) Lying by omission - if you don't ask me don't expect me to volunteer that info! Totally cool - as long as no crime was committed.

5) Pathological lying - def not cool and I don't even get it!

The consequences of lying are that either you get away with it or you don't.  As with anything, one must assess if the truth is more painful than the lying. But take heed: lying can be become hard work and quite time consuming, exactly the reason we aren't all cut out to be deceptive.

Nietzsche believed that people told the truth because they were too weak to handle all the lying.

To the contrary of Col. Jessup's comment in "A few good men" some can handle the truth...it's the lying that gets really hairy...

"I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong Marine!"

On to the next one...

Well here we are, another year, another resolution that I may or may not stick to.  I wanted to create a place to express myself in a creative and fun way.  I hope that you will enjoy this blog and keep coming back.  If you have made it this far...I thank you! 

Another year and yet it seems like time is moving faster than ever.  Okay I am done with 2010...now I am on to the next one. I remember when I was younger I literally felt time crawling, so anxious to finally be a grown up! Here I am! Yet wishing I was back in my old room laying on my 90210 sheets and endlessly staring at the ceiling while listening to my casettes (did I just age myself?!) simply because I could.  Today I am lucky if I can stare at anything for more than a few seconds before I start falling asleep.  Time seems to be moving so fast around me I can barely keep up, but the eternal optimist in me will always keep trying.

Yes I did it again!! I say jump and you all JUMP

 Today I watched Oprah's new network OWN (absolute crack by the way, as usual she knew exactly what she was doing) the show "Master Class" featuring one of my favorite people Sean Carter AKA Jigga man himself.  His song "on to the next one" was the inspiration for this post.  There was the usual "behind the music" element to it, with Oprah interjecting with some words of wisdom per her usual, but I heard him say something that really made me think about my outlook towards 2011.  

I am a genius and you know it...

Hov talks about the beginnings of his realizing the extraordinary talent he posessed while living in the projects.  His mother, passed down timesless words that according to him almost cost him his career.  "The hard work you put into something determines what you will get out of it."  Advice we have all heard from someone at some point in our lives.  If you work hard - then that must mean you accomplish what you worked hard for.  Jay talks about how writing rhymes and rapping was an easy and fun way to pass the time for him.  According to his mother since he wasn't working hard at it, it probably wouldnt materialize into anything worth while. He ponders this point, and then laughs and concludes that his mother probably didn't mean it that way. 

Creator of Rocawear

Co-owner of NJ Nets

 Obviously, there is no argument, at least not from me, that Jay-Z didn't work hard to get to where he is, even if his unbelievable talent comes as easily as breathing.  But it got me thinking...I know a few people who don't seem to be working that hard who are doing much better than people I know who have 3 jobs and still have nothing to show for it.  Is it all really just hard work? Is it absolutely true that if you work hard at something you will suceed?  I am not so sure, no disrespect Mrs. Hov.  

As a type A I find it extremely frustrating to work diligently at something and still fail.  Though it hasn't happened to me many times, just recently I tried very hard to learn to sew.  I put a lot of time and effort, and though I was miracolously able to piece a garment together, there hasn't been a sadder sight than me trying.  If you practice basketball day and night can you be like Lebron? If you memorize every math problem you can think of can you be a skilled mathmetician? Are there more elements to accomplishing something than simply the aspect of how much hard work is put in? Absolutely, the difficulty is in identifying what those other aspects are within each of us and when is it time to throw in the towel and say ok, I am done with that now, on to the next one.

If hard work isnt often enough, then why does society keep telling us it is? Our parents? If there was one thing I could take up with my father regarding my upbringing, it is this notion that working like a dog gets you where you want to be.  It helps, but it certainly isnt the only vehicle that brings us to accomplishment or sucess.  Ambition, drive, sacrifice, intelligence, perceptiveness, discipline, vision and balls of steel are the things that in combination with hard work have helped me accomplish what I have thus far.  And depending on which day of the week it is, I may feel as though I havent been able to accomplish anything (I did say I was type A didnt I?) The moment I realized I needed to accept that no matter how hard I worked I would never be an expert sewer was difficult.  I searched for reasons to not throw in the towel, because that must have meant I didn't work hard enough, I didn't want it bad enough.  

I don't think it means that, I just think it's time to move on. And go on to the next one...hello 2011!

"On to the next one" video by Jay-Z

If you enjoyed this post please sign up to be a follower! 

If you would like to comment on this post please feel free to do so!