Dim all the lights

...sweet darling cause tonight it's all the way... sure is!! Hey boys and girls I decided to return to normal life from a very busy winter! It's been 3 months! Holy shizballitos time flew by! Did you bitches miss me?! While I didn't plan for my come back blog to be about Donna Summer following her unexpected death, I will tell you that this post sort of wrote itself while I danced (sans pants again!) in my kitchen and my boo made mac and cheese on a saturday night. Because duh that's how we roll. I had an specially trying week of finals, a severe case of the flu, and getting a "donna summer died #RIP" text in the middle of the work day didn't exactly help me bounce back any faster. And yes my better half used a hashtag in a text. You know what that means? It's gonna be a hash-tag-licious POST!! Later on my way to class I stopped to grab a snack at my fave cafe and...they never said your name but I knew who they meant...woaaaa... In my dayquil daze I had forgotten that they always had the radio on in there! AUGHHHHH I was not mentally prepared to hear my fave song just yet. Too much too soon! I swear it was as if Roberto knew that I was suffering and this was revenge (best show EVER!) for all the times I had micromanaged the way he made my sandwich (I think that's enough mayo there killer...I am convinced that he absolutely hates me but because I am there almost everyday for class I am a "sure" customer so he begrudgingly puts up with me. Dude I said that's enough MAYO!) and before I knew it I began mouthing along... I was so surprised and shocked and wondered too... #painful. He was moving sooooo sloooooowly I think I grew some chin hair while I waited. I so wish that was a joke. Don't it strike you sad when you hear our song?  Yes Donna. It does! I took my sandwich and low spirits to class. I wasn't ready to really deal with this tragic music setback (wasn't Whitney enough?! BAHHH-BAYYYY!!! Oh man that will never get old!) until Saturday when I was finally feeling better and finals were behind me. I found Endless Summer on my ipod and hit play. In my kitchen I enthusiastically reenacted the memories of my youth as they pertained to each song; I closed my eyes and relived July 2, 2006 when I was only a few feet away from the Disco Queen herself live and in concert. Then it hit me. The Donna Doctrine! Get pumped because we are gonna talk some serious hot stuff!

I want to say that On the Radio was the first Donna song I ever heard, because it has a special place in my heart. It wasn't long before I realized that most adults saw her as the defining star of the disco era, and to me seemed like the decade I should have been born in; well more accurately I just wish I had lived thru it first hand. As I grew into a "mature" adult (#ha!) I learned from music, dashiki references on the fresh prince, HBO documentaries on studio 54, and Boogie Nights that I could have been a star in the 1970's. The drama of it all would have almost made me pass for a normal human being. Almost. I assure my babes on the regular that I would have looked fierce in a one-piece hooded gold lame jumpsuit with my curl fro brushed out, platforms and some sunnies. And obviously my coke addiction would have kept me svelte: my milkshake would bring all the boys to the yard. Love to love you baby would have been my mantra! #whatcouldhavebeen! As I coped with being born at the wrong time, I vicariously lived thru Donna and her music. Sequins were in for a tinynanosecond in the 1990's and I actually kareoked in a tube top to Bad Girls and I thought I owned the joint. #delusional. The more I learned about this Diva the more of an appetite I had for her music and it would all culminate in a wink and a smile I would never forget.

       Donna Doctrine

History has taught us many things, but one in particular is that if you want to be remembered you need some kind of doctrine. Monroe and Trueman were nobodies until someone cleverly decided they should have a doctrine. Yes I did just say that our presidents were nobodies. Roll with it. Toot toot. Heyyy. Beep beep. LaDonna Adrian Gaines (to this day I still think that's the sickest diva name there could be and she didn't need to change it.) is a five time grammy award winner and a pioneer in record breaking, as she was the first artist to accomplish charting three consecutive double albums at number one on billboard. Fun fact: She was the background singer for Three Dog Night (Jeremiah was a bullfrog!) Many other accolades precede her, including modest box office success and yet it is a mystery to me why a doctrine in her name has not yet been established. Well LaDonna, today I am going to rectify this! Dim all the lights because tonight we are going all the way. 

The Donna Doctrine in my my ridiculi mind consists of 4 major points that I believe illustrate not just the Queen of Disco's career, but also her delicious impact on our culture. 

 

1) Hey Mr! Have you got a dime? 

Before pretty woman humanized prostitution, the working women of the street already had a cheerleader in Ms. Summer with her 1979 album appropriately titled Bad Girls. Known for her epic concept albums, Donna spent two years developing what would give our inner hooker something to toot toot about. She even dressed as one herself for the cover. In the biz they call that method acting, just droppin some knowledge on yo asses. Without a doubt, commercially the songs spawned from this record saw the most success and came to define an era in music and feminism. I mean who turns a topic like prostitution and makes a hit parade with it, while also providing social commentary. #LaDonna, that's who. She works hard for the money. So hard for it honey! 

2) Love to love you baby...for an entire 17 minutes. 

The freedom of the 1970's was a time of unprecedented amounts of sexy time, some white lines, and duh...a great soundtrack. Early in her career Donna co-wrote a song for another artist and famously coined the term love to love you baby. Originally the plan was for her to record the demo only, but her sexual moans were said to be so legendary that she ended up releasing the song as her own. I wish someone would say that about my moans (AHEM: Channing Tatum), I am just looking for some hot stuff - don't judge. Donna told the peeps of the decade love just don't come easy, no it seldom does. So. Do. You. Get some. And they sure did. #bow-chicka-bow-wow! All those souls who were conceived to DS already entered this life with an edge! Totally jelly. However, while it may be easy to disregard a 17 minute song full of moans and moistness (ohhh mah lady parts!), LaDonna turned erotica electronica into a legit music genre. Nothing makes me happier than a sweet born again church choir girl making an orgasmic song! You bad girl, you sad girl, you're such a dirty, bad girl! Beep, beep, uh, uh. Don't worry Donna Jesus Cristo will forgive you! He forgives everyone right?

3) No more tears (Enough is ENOUGH!)

 

Even if you don't offer happy endings, many of Donna's songs are centered around female empowerment, and kick-ass anthems. When I die I want my grave simply to say "She'll never sell out. She never will. Not for a dollar bill. She works hard for the money." Oh who am I kidding? I would totally sell out for the right price!! #realtalk! No more tears is one of my favorite songs and I used to go around middle school and high school randomly dueting with various losers, as if some racid man had wronged me so badly I just had to sing about it. I am gonna go out on a limb and say this is why I did not win prom court. But hey it really is NICE to be nominated. #bullshit. If you ever want to see this epicness, buy me a couple of dark and stormy's, throw in some fries with mozzarella cheese and brown gravy (disco fries), and get me on a stage. I will bring to life LaDonna's anthem!

4) Last Dance

 

Disco, like everything else was uncool, before it became super cool. But it had some help. Donna Summer is without a doubt, the woman who took disco out of underground clubs mostly with blacks and gays, and brought it mainstream for all people to enjoy around the world; similar to what RUN DMC did for Rap. She is so much more than a gay icon for this era and the ones that followed. DS created music that is still relevant in our daily lives and we may not even realize it! At a wedding, if you hear Last Dance start to play, you know it's time to run to the bar and get that last drink before the party is over! No wedding or celebration is complete without this song as its signature finale. The songstress and song were also in an episode of Family Matters (Aunt Oona from Altoona! I loved that show BEYOND words!) and Selena covered it in one of her live albums. Hot Stuff was featured in the movie The Full Monty (one of the best scenes in the film). LaDonna's music has been sampled by Dolly Parton, Beyonce, Reba McEntire, Madonna, Britney...and forevs on...longevity and talent is the name of this game.

 

 

I had the privilege to see LaDonna Adrian Gaines in the flesh right here on Long Island 6 years ago. I was sitting very close to the front of the stage in a small theater and took the beautiful picture above. During the concert she spoke in between each song, sharing an anecdote or a fun fact and we listened as if it was the most glorious piece of information we had ever heard. I grew a pair and screamed I love you! in the middle of her speaking, she winked and smiled and told me she loved me too. #Twinsies! I remember two things very clearly 1) I loved every second of the concert and 2) she sounded EXACTLY like the records. Her voice was outrageously powerful and tender all at once. Donna Summer still has NOT been inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame: this is SHAMEFUL! But I am sure that's all about to change. It seems that in order to be recognized peeps need to bite the dust. That ain't right! I will continue to shake my hot stuff to everyone of your songs, and hope you are in disco land with Michael, Whitney and Robin Gibb while Dick Clark DJ's in sequin pants. Heaven knows it's not the way it should be. #RIPDonna.

 

JAM OF THE WEEK: Endless Summer - entire CD

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

I need love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call...I see I need love. So many people share that sentiment LL (insert lip licking...one more just for good measure) Who could forget our Commander and Chief singing the beloved Al Green classic Let's stay together during a fundraiser a few weeks ago? That's Reverend Green to you bitches! I know I couldn't!! I even blushed a little when I told a friend about it at work!! It was super hot and for all who think the President isn't black enough (yea peeps STILL be saying that) I say why don't you ask former Speaker Newt to sing you some 70's soul. Good luck with that hideous sight. (By the way have you noticed how suddenly everything from insurance to potato chip commercials are using the song?) Even Barry knows the importance a sense of romanticism through the use of music plays in our lives. So in honor of the big V day (not that V you filthy animals!! Jesus this is a legit blog. Ha! Bitch please!) I thought a little romance was in order with of course a little soda music on da sidee...we need love!

Romance runs the gamut when it comes to its meaning, which makes sense since we all interpret it differently. Some would say watching football with their man is romantic. I just threw up all my over myself. That's pathetic. But hey I have only been happily married for almost a decade and have an amazing relationship, but what the effers do I know? Others would say that ONLY elaborate gestures are true romance. I didn't think it was possible but...that's more pathetic than the football. And just to clarify I HEART sports (just not football) and have a grand ol' time going to a tennis match or a yankee game with my boo but I don't classify those outings as romance. For decades we have seen romance play out in hollywood movies in situations that seem to be light years away from real life. In lieu of those grandiose unrealistic moments that don't actually materialize, women settle by forcing regular interaction into the romance category. Real talk. Ladies, mah women, we don't need to pretend a touch down is romantic and we don't need to recreate a Meg Ryan romcom to experience true romance. Remember Sleepless in Seattle?! I heard you on the radio, I love you, let's meet at the Empire State Building. Then years later it was draw me in the nude and I'll never let go Jack. Of course, nobody anticipated how ridic it could REALLY get with Bella and Edward and suddenly the Empire State and a sinking ship (specially after the Italy sitch) seemed more possible than a vampire. In a nation where 2 out of 3 men get down on one knee to propose the only question left to ask is...what the fuck is the third guy thinking?! Unless you are a legit invalid - there is no reason why a man can't take a knee while asking. You do it for your football coach but ya can't do it for your lady?! SERIOUSLY?! Unacceptable. A diamond ring is like kryptonite to women, they will pretty much say yes to anything as long as a sparkler is involved. I have seen many of my friends date (and continue to date) these douchingtons, or as we will describe here as #3. THAT GUY. The moron who won't get on one knee, and makes it that much harder for guy #1 & #2 who are putting forth a genuine effort. And you better believe romance takes work! Did you know that when you french kiss someone you use 34 facials muscles?! How many are there in total?! If Dino is right and you are nobody till somebody loves you then boy are we in trouble!! But really 34...?!

Now just because I don't expect an impromptu pottery class waiting for me when I get home from work, doesn't mean I don't enjoy some cliche romantic moments. We all do. Romcoms are female porn: Kevin Costner embracing Whitney after she runs off the plane (Iffff...Iiiiiii....shoulda stayed...), Heath Ledger singing Can't Take My Eyes Off of You in the bleachers, Adam Sandler on a plane asking via song to grow old together, but today on Valentine's day...(actually any or everyday) I really want to come home to a man (preferably my boo but NOT required) holding a boom box playing In Your Eyes. Honestly, since the times have changed I would even accept an I-phone. So what do all these moments have in common? For me they are my faves because music is involved. Unless you are a psycho like mahself who matches potential situations into entire playlists (I wish I kidding), a Say Anything moment may not always be possible. <Gently weeping> Hit it Old Blue Eyes: I know that music leads the way to romance. I concur.

So let's talk more everyday sensible romance. Aside from being kicked in the balls, the one thing that really REALLY frightens men (even the ones who are in relationships) is hearing "I want more Romance" What the hell does that mean? Peens if you want the ladies to drop it like it's hot you better listen up! Women need romance. There is no way around it. I believe there are three types of everyday romance gents. The first is the what have you done for me lately? type. Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty) tells us for this type of romantic connoisseur neglect is on their mind. Arrogant, and delusional in thinking he is god's gift to this earth, he tries to mascarade his own desires as romantic gestures. My name ain't Keith but I see the way you sweat me. Bitch please. Any statement that starts with "I want to do..." and ends in "wouldn't that be romantic..?" is the polar opposite of romantic. He doesn't do PDA and when you walk together he wants to keep a safe 3 feet distance, just in case an upgrade walks by. Wouldn't want them getting the wrong idea! And god forbid he compliments you EVER. So how can this be a romantic type you ask? Good question smarty pants! Beats me! But apparently 1/3 of women have dated or are currently dating a douche bag such as this type (Cosmo told me that while I was getting my feet did) Caught in a bad romance. Fo reals.

The second type is the love machine (and not the way The Miracles intended it to mean) or more commonly known by my brain as the Casey effect. I have never been an avid Bachelor fan, but I had the unfortunate opporunity to watch it when Ali was looking for love and Casey the psychopath was one of her suitors. The Casey is the bug-a-boo type who is constantly scheming ways to outdo his previous romantic endeavors instead of just being himself. He is the tard who goes and gets a tattoo on a two-week anniversary. I don't know much but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know. And that's the problem with the Casey, he doesn't know much. In fact he doesn't know anything at all! Not even if he actually knows you well enough to love you because he is too busy googling most romantic moments of all time. Barf. That's not real romance! Don't know much about history, don't know much biology. But I do know that I love you. But Casey never gives up, because he thinks this is what fems want. Ali passed and so will we. Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air...oh Casey give it a rest!

The third romance gent is the you look wonderful tonight type. This is one of my all-time favorite romantic songs, not just because it was the one that Chandler chose to propose to Monica with (I miss that show so much), but because it describes a couple living in everyday life. This type of gent may not have 1-800-flowers on speed dial but he knows how to capitalize on everyday moments, even if sometimes he has to remind himself. If the opportunity came he wouldn’t think twice about taking a knee, but he will most likely resort to speaking from his heart rather than some rehearsed romance trickery. In my peepers this is the most delicious type of romance. We forget how special the everyday can be when we are constantly bombarded with fake romance. Real romance to me, is unexpected kisses when you are folding laundry or doing the dishes. We don’t need V-day or an anniversary to express how we feel whether in a serious or silly manner. I am going home where your love has always been enough for me. The best romance can happen at home in your jammies with your soul twinsie. Romance is not just a mandate for the males, females should also be held accountable. It takes two to make a thing go right, it takes two to make it out of sight. Preach! And just in case you are wondering to be an MC is what I choose 'a.  I would say most men can easily be the wonderful tonight type with a little effort and some key listening. As Montell said sometimes you gotta get your groove on before you go get paid. That’s AMORE kids!

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. And what’s wrong with that? I’d like to know…? Sorry Ne-yo but unlike you I am not sick of love songs and I never will be. We need love. I am sick of fake romance. MJ told us it’s all in the way you make me feel. So to all the gentlemen of the world, whether your lady loves music or art or knitting, find a way to make "the everyday" romantic for the both of you. Sometimes all it takes is a simple…Oh my darling you look wonderful tonight…

This week we lost one of the greatest voices of our time. I couldn’t bring myself to write a post about it. Whitney, as a fan, I thank you for the years of amazing music you gave us. I bet the reunion concert in music heaven with Etta, and MJ was amazeballs. I know he sang Hey pretty baby with the high heels on…as you walked in the joint. May you rest in peace, and your legacy continue on through music. "If I should die this very day, don't cry cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay." I will try Whitney. I will try.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS...and get your friends to do it too!!!

@bitchinbbandit

JAM OF THE WEEK: Every single Whitney Houston song

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Dirrty

If you ain't dirty you ain't here to partyyyyy! I didn't want to have to do this X-tina but you left me no choice. I am not sure what the effers you are doing lately or why you are such a dirrty mess; but given the relentlessness of your outrageous actions you have earned yourself a bitchin bloggin post. Yo that's what's up. Congrats! Ring the alarm and I'm throwing elbows!!

Christina Maria Aguilera (of course her name is Maria! Way to keep stereotypes alive Ecuadorians! At least you threw the "h" in the first name!) stole our hearts as the cute little kid in star search determined to sing her butt off. She sold her young soul to Disney and starred in the infamous Mickey Mouse Club program with the future sweet talkin sugar candy man Justin Timberlake. He's a one stop shop with the real big uhhh... oh JT I am sorry...I wish I could help myself. She faded into adolescence but made her way back during the pop revolution of the 1990's. Move over Brit Brit I gots the abs and THE voice. I am a genie in a bottle baby come come and let me out. I could reenact that entire video (although I'd probably opt for a tunic) because I watched it on an endless repeat loop back in the TRL dayz. She followed up with two more #1 songs from her debut album. What a girl wants is to be on top and to come on over. And she sure was on top. Although constantly compared to the sweet Louisiana girl who sang about being hit one more time, everyone knew she was a voice to be reckoned with. Disney knew it the moment they signed her and continued to capitalize off their investment by featuring Christina in the animated movie Mulan. When will my reflection shine who I am inside... oh don't worry! You are about to go from Christina to X-tina!

After the success of her debut album the sky was the limit for the platinum blonde. She released a spanish album, which is like a right of passage for anyone who can be marketed as latin artist. Although CA is half Ecuadorian the Irish half is clearly the dominant gene. The mayor of Connecticut is at this very moment wondering if she eats Tacos...or is that just a Mexican thing? She gave us a Navidad album which received a decent showing of commercial success, proving to anyone who still doubted her voice that she was fo reals. Apparently the EcuIrish diva was displeased with her image and began a transformation as she promoted her 4th studio album: Stripped. Apparently not just the sky was the limit but also no low-rise leather pant was excluded from this catapult to the top. Assless chaps were never the same after X-tina got thru with them!! Ahhh yea it's time to talk about the infamous dirrty video. Poor Redman he must have been desperate for a little cash flow. Too dirrty to clean my act up. The close ups of their mouths on the video tell you just how dirrty it's about to get. Note the double R. Shit is legit. Except the video was such an obvious ploy to over-sexualize her image to sell more records "express her sexuality" which is totally fine if it is in addition to a concept - not in place of one. She got sweaty and dirrty and then showered and booty popped. El fin. Right? Nope!

Stripped was more than just dirrty dreads and cheeks mcgee for X. She followed with the brilliantly written and emotional Beautiful. Smart. Such a great melody with a power message: You are beautiful no matter what they say! Thanks X! I think so too! Suck it haters! The simplicity of her role in the video helps put into focus the social struggles of gays, anorexics, kids who are bullied, a guy I am convinced was my tennis teacher (as the cross dresser) and people with disproportionately large heads! Talking to you Christina! Those close-ups make your head look ginormous! But here is the good news: Words can't bring you down. So I won't bring you down today. And you fuckin nailed it with that voice. But the calm and toned down Christina was only in strippedville for a short stay. Enter Fighter.

I truly wished you had saved the whole boxing thing for Fighter. But that's neither here nor there. When I racked my brain to remember this video I couldn't. Then I watched it and realized why! It sucks!! It's a (badly executed) goth version of the moth becoming a butterfly. (But kudos to you for sporting Gaga like make-up and weirdness in 2002 BEFORE she even existed in the music world) As a lifetime Lostie (if you have never seen LOST please note that I frown heavily upon this. It is single handedly the best television drama ever. The End.) the scene where Locke explains to Charlie that helping the moth by cutting its cocoon, will in the end hurt it. Depriving the moth of the struggle will hinder it in its survival once in nature. (It's on hulu! Watch it!!) Similarly as humans we are constantly told "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I hate when people say that to me, even though it is absolutely 100% the truth. The first time I heard fighter I decided that was my new way to verbalize the aforementioned. The spoken part at the beginning is delivered with such delicious restraint that for a maniac like me makes me want to immediately emulate. How could this man I thought I knew turn out to be unjust so cruel. The listener is told that some peen wronged our dear X, but since that doesn't apply to me; I will tell you about the times I rolled my windows down and drove on the southern state parkway letting out my anger on my steering wheel "singing" at the top of my lungs to this liberating anthem. (I am pretty sure I never came close to reaching that high C. Or the low one actually!) For the bitches who sabotaged me at work: Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know Just how capable I am to pull through. For all the "friends" who were never really my friends and used me: Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game. For the cunt of a boss who made me clean up her vomit: Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down. Because of you X-tina and this faboosh song I feel empowered. So I want to say thank you cause... SING IT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!! Made my skin a little bit thicker. Thanks for making me a fighter.

The last and final stop on the Stripped express (at least for us) is Can't hold us down. Strong girl power lyrics like call me a bitch cause I speak what's on my mind make me like the song but the video was such a rip off of something I have seen before... J.Lo and Nas circa 2001. Common X-tina!! You were doing so well! After all is said and done though Stripped has sold over 13 million copies worldwide and earned X a grammy. I had the privilege of seeing her and Mr. Candyman during their Justified/Stripped tour and if there is ever a reason to forgive Ms. Aguilera's social mishaps it is the goosies I got when I heard her do beautiful live. This album is without a doubt her best work.

In 2006 Christina released Back to Basics and in 2010 Bionic. I loved the pin-up look for candyman and the song Keeps getting better. But that is really about it on those 2 albums. Burlesque, a movie I presume nobody actually watched (except for Glitter fans) with Cher, was also released in 2010 featuring our diva. She was relevant but it wasn't because of her music, instead her divorce and weight gain were the topic of discussion. She became the true definition of a hot mess.

In 2011 The Voice reminded us why she truly is one of the best vocalists of our time. Even if her appearance and behavior say otherwise. All the great singers who audition always pick her as their coach, there is a reason why: she knows her shit and the bitch can really SING. Look, I don't care about the weight gain; X-tina you are a beautiful bootylicious woman, but would wearing spanx and clothes that fit be THAT bad? I know first hand what carrying around some extra lbs feels like, but I am not wearing clothes from 1995 and sporting the muffin top look. Your fashion decisions are not flattering to your figure, your hair is frizzy ratty and oily, and you need to start getting professional spray tans. The good news is that these things can all be fixed and (GASP!) even prevented! After the media brouhaha brought upon by the "self-tanner" incident, many came to your defense to say "cut her some slack". But I won't do that. I refuse to cut you slack. Why?! Because I reserve "cutting slack" for tards like LiLo, Snooks and the Kardashians who have no discernible talent to speak of. No slack for you! You have been nominated for 17 grammys and won 4! Rolling Stone ranked you #58 among the top singers of all time!! Act like you somebody boo. Because you are!! If a pee-on like me can go to a tanning salon, have a variety of spanx to fit any occasion, get weekly manis AND wash my greasy hair so can you Christina Maria Aguilera!! Your music is deeply rooted in empowering women, it is time you walked your talk again. I hear you may be doing a collabo with Princess RiRi. I am pumped and look forward to more of that in 2012! But in the end you'll see you won't stop me. I am a fighter, I ain't gonna stop. There is no turning back. Go get 'em X-tina.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS...and get your friends to do it too!!!

@bitchinbbandit

JAM OF THE WEEK: Fighter - Christina Aguilera

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

I have not a clue why, but after 11 seasons I am still just as enthralled with American Idol as I was the day I thought that douche Justin Guarrini was cute. Don't worry dear reader, I rolled my eyes at mahself for that one. Gross.
From the crazy auditions to all the moms trying to get a piece of Seacrest (whom I really love to hate...only to love again), to rooting for the inevitable under dog, and yes those moments that give you the goosies when you witness a true star being born. It is the epitome of the American dream: the guy who has Tourette's who got up on that stage and rocked as hard as Freddie Mercury. It's anyone's game. No really anyone. In this week's post we talk hilariousness, JLo's abs, Steven, the DAWG and my hopes/predictions for this season.

Of course some of the best non-singing moments in Idol history emerged from the ridiculi (William Hung, slutty girls in bikinis, Paula and her drugs jibberish, Sanjaya and my personal faves faves FAAAAAAVES General Larry Platt with pants on the ground) and the brutally honest (but always funny) Simon. Hold up...I am sorry, you didn't think we were just going to mention the General in passing and be done with it did you?!?! And no we are not referring to the Muevelo Muevelo General. If you know what I am talking about then you are 1) Hispanic & 2) Aaaaaawesome. That guy was on to Reggeaton before it was even a word!! I was 8 years old and treasured that cassette. Shoulda seen my reggea moves. Okay I will stop talking about it, I don't want to make you jealous. I youtubed the song and the video brings back so many 90's memories...muevelo click here!!! But anyway, General Platt...I don't know if you bitches know but he is kind of a big deal. He auditioned in front of MJB AND has a wikepedia page. Plus his message is right on point and still aptly applies today...

You kind of do look like a fool with your pants on the ground JUSTIN BEIBER!!!

Sure I get it. People miss him. The arrogance, the accent, the way he looked at Paula, (dude you totally tapped that - but hey...I am not judging...<<< CUE KEVIN HART: SHE GONNE LEARN TODAY>>>>) the "insults" which always made me think...is it an insult if it's ACTUALLY true? And his sweaty hairy chest...that's what I miss the most really. If you look at old clips from the first season, Sexy Cowell looks like he is in a turtleneck competition with Steve Jobs. FACT: He still looked hot. FACT: He had a long run and he was extremely entertaining. But sometimes a change can bring unexpected delight. Enter Rock Legend Steven Tyler. I can't express ENOUGH how much I love this fucker on the show. I don't want any LIP from any of yous about it. His quirkdom (quirkiness + randomness) and genuine love of music is disarming and even though DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY he still charms the hell out of anyone walking around with lady lumps. That kind of loving drives a (wo)man insane. Including this bitch. Pink is my favorite color and when you are on I don't want to miss a thing. (Aww remember Ben Affleck and the animal crackers on Liv's belly..superrrr cuteeee) I am jaded because I have always loved you with such sweet emotion, but I know our love can never be so I will just dream on...and push play on my ipod. 

Let's talk J.Lo. Again. Cause anywhere I go I'm spotted...and anything I want I got it. 5'5 with brown eyes...smile like the sunrise. But the New Yorican is so much more than caramel. That bitch was popular BEFORE idol, but the best thing she ever did was join as judge. Just when you think she can't be more beautiful she turns out to be a total betty on the inside too! For the love of Ryan Seacrest can't you just be a total bitch on camera just once!!! I whip my hair back and forth...I whip my hair back and forth...between the impeccable hair and stunning legs Ms. Lopez's beauty really stands out. Who could forget last season when she had a hard time cutting the runt of the litter. Of course on most counts they weren't THAT good but she teared up when she saw the desperation and sadness in their eyes. The make-up team was pissed! That shit had to be done all over again. For someone who has a legit diva rep (I said evian not fiji!! MORON!) she sure looked like a nice lady who felt bad giving the news to these peeps. Don't get it twisted boo, it is all about the benjamins with this very savvy business woman, but her presence on AI has really changed public perception of her alleged divaness and made her more relatable to America. Also I really want to get that belt she always wears, it really goes with everything. Oh wait... Those are her abs. Have you seen her in WILL.I.AM.'s new vid for THE (The Hardest Ever)?...um yea...that lace one piece body suit...what can one say about such an outfit...well the song features Rock legend Mick Jagger (no really, I am not kidding...hey he needs that paper too! Coke is really expensive kids...) and all I thought while he was on the screen was...Bring J.Lo back! Sighhhhssss.... SCORE: Ms. Lopez A BILLION, MC: zip. SAD.I.AM.

Randy, you were in Journey and you are awesome DAWG! I always look forward to seeing your crazy metro shoes. Is there really anything else to be said?

There are a few songs I'd love to hear this season. Although the mass population loathes unknown songs, I think they can work wonders if done correctly. I'd love to see one of the females like Lauren Mink do Mariah's make it happen off her epic Emotions album. Now we know not any yahoo can take on the other MC, but this song can bring front runner status. If you remember she was the really beautiful blonde AI found in Savannah who works with disabled adults (of course she does). And while she has a country vibe I think this song would be a great option for her. It has all the makings of a great piece of music: 1) uplifting and inspiring message - she says in her interview that she wants to show people you can do anything you set your mind to... (a very cathartic moment of looking at the camera), 2) easy arrangement and melody with an opportunity for a spectacular a capella moment (dim the lights do that 360 spin with the camera) 3) if you take on Mariah and do it justice in a full powerful chest voice, the other contestants should just call it a day, go home and vote for you! I once was lost but now I'm found I got my feet on solid ground. Thank you Lord. I am not one with the lord, but man I hear that part and I start thanking the SBJ and throwing out lots of Can I get a witness?! I think America will eat it up. Lauren has a lot of potential and is instantly likeable. I think she will be top 3.

Another hope I have for Idol is more instrument playing. This is my hope every year, but a killer piano and guitar player always makes for a better season because they can actively participate in the arrangement of a song. Enter Philip PHILLIPS. What an awesome fuckin name! Yo this dude is not only cute but he played THRILLER on the guitar. Who does that!??! Top 3 for sure and he might just take the ENTIRE thing! Remember who said it FIRST!

It has been a very long time since we had a serious Asian presence on American Idol. Everybody Wang Chung tonight. Yup I said it!! And I can't wait. Just when you thought he was going to be a dilusional nut case who thinks he can change the world with his voice (like the moron who sang Selena Dion...yea... he thought that was one person!)...Heejun Han sang Michael Bolton better than...MICHAEL BOLTON!?! WAIT WHAT!? H SQUARED you are going far my man!!!

And lastly, how could I forget, the answer to my prayers...the sweet sweet baby Jesus has FINALLY given minorities their own Justin Beiber with 12 year old David Leathers Jr. Never say never right BEIBS!? Actually this cute little midget is 17 (someone needs to drink a little more milk) and he is also known as "Mr. Steal Your Girl" thankyouverymuch. Because he will STEAL YO BITCH like at recess or something. After I tried super hard not to imagine this child in a romantic relationship of any kind, his voice completely won me over. He was compared to a young Michael and his range was so impressive for someone who clearly hasn't even hit puberty yet. I am predicting he will round out the top 3 with Lauren & P-thrilla, unless he hits puberty during the show. Which will be a little disappointing.

 

 

 

Athough auditions aren't over these are the few that struck a chord with me. Even if they don't win, they can still become stars in their own right ala Daughtry or Katherine McPhee. In the name of "research" I watched the pilot episode of SMASH currently available on hulu. I am OBSESSED!!!!!! I never liked McPhee... but I kind of love her now AND this show. Suck it GLEE you will never be as good as this! I am sooo ready to WANG CHUNG with more Seacrest, J.Lo legs, Tylerisms, Randylicious advice AND some amazeballs singing for season 11. THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL!! SEACREST OUT!

 

 

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JAM OF THE WEEK: Everybody Wang Chung Tonight - Wang Chung

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!