Call me. Maybe.

That awkward moment when you start a new job and you don't know anyone's name but they know yours. Yup we've all been there. It's been a long time for me and boy has it been a rather inneresting experience. Learning a new jobs is hard yo, making "work friends" is even harder. Notice I used quotations... oh we are gonna get to that sugaroos don't cha worry. Is it really hard? Or does it depend on the person? Does your title have anything to do with it? Are you just a total creepster? And how often do those work friends become real life friends?...So many questions and one bitchin blog to explore them all! 

I started a new job exactly two months ago and the learning curve is steep. I am busier than I have ever been during a work day (miss you facebook!) and I only leave my desk when I absolutely have to. I was running for the elevator 3 weeks ago and I heard "I will hold it Maria" Grateful, I hopped in and when I looked up I realized I didn't recognize a single face in the sea of glamourais with perfect hair and belted shift dresses. And we stunting like Gucci Gucci Louis Louis Fendi Fendi Prada...them basic bitches wear that shit so I don't even bother. A room full of bad bitches indeed Kreayshawn. Fuck! I hope they don't ask me anything. "Did you see the email about Brazil?" Sure did. (No fuckin clue... is there muzak in this elevator..? I think it sounds like Billy Joel... FOCUS!) "So what do you think the next steps will be?" (Oh Lawdy! Don't you know I am new biznitch? How you gonna blow up my spot like that?) Well I think we need to do an analysis on the region first to see what we are up against and identify opportunities from there. WAM BAM and thank you ma'am! BRINGSSSSS IT! I did a Mariah and bye byed out of that piece as soon as those doors opened. Mental note: put in the time to learn some names. And look up what the F is going on in Brazil. It doesn't help that there are 20 people on my team and I don't necessarily work with all of them; which means awkward uncomfortable elevator, kitchen and bathroom chatter. Ahhh my faves!

Looking for my work soul sistas has proved quite challenging since my elevator ride. Many of us dread those moronic conversations in our daily life filed under chit chat. For some it's best to just stay silent, but being a competitive freak of nature since a young age, I learned to perfect the art of chit chat. It absolutely requires a lot of effort and focus; normally I peak at 7 minutes. Remember that scene in ghost when Patrick's spirit goes into Oda Mae Brown so he can touch Demi just...one...last...time? Ohhh my love, my darling... I CAN'T! RIP to the amazing Patrick Swazey. I know you are doing the Chip & Dales routine with Chris Farley in heaven. HOLY SCHNIKES! After a few minutes he is so depleted from the effort he falls and can't get up. That's what it's like. Over the years after many trials and errors, I have developed a strategy that has proved to be successful when attempting to make work friends. In the past 2 weeks I put them to the test once again and I am gonna share the results here. Giddy up.

1) Meet by association

Like any place where human beings gather, cliques (I will always love those plastics!) are bound to form. Infiltrating those circles at a job can be specially challenging since usually the members are reluctant to let new bitches into the circle of trust. Ah but you see femmes (and maybe a handful of gents) there is always a weak link ala Gretchen Weiners. One person who is more approachable than the rest of the members; usually the best to target to get to know. The key is to identify a commonality you may have and run with it. This is where being well versed in pop culture comes in handy. I was coring my apple (yes I do that) when I heard "Meghan" say to someone "Who gonna check me boo?" OMG it's like Christmas!!! This is my chance! If you don't know that line - clearly you have a life and aren't a Bravoholic (like me) obsessed with the housewives. Good for you. I guess you are cool. Casually I did my best NeNe and Meghan seemed to be responding well. Yes I am in! "You're Sarah right?" FML!! NO bitch I am MC! Soy un perdidor...I am a loser baby so why don't cha kill me.... This is going to be harder than I thought....

   
2) Ladies who lunch...and then go back to work 

Slowly, I have been getting to know Meghan, making sure I always mention if I like an outfit or accessory she is wearing. Peeps love a compliment. I told her I love clothes and fashion to bring down my creep factor (doubtful but worth a shot), and she happens to wear very cute fashionable outfits which makes complimenting her natural and easy. When I walk by her cubicle with a cup of coffee (she sits a few behind me) I stop and ask her about her weekend or if later in the week the upcoming weekend. I don't ever ask follow-up questions that seem to be merging into personal territory. I am adamant that chit chat Olympics never ever EVER have to go into personal info land, if of course you are good at it. Any old fool can ask personal questions (talking to you Oprah!), but to have a 5 minute conversation with someone and reveal very little personal information while the recipient feels that they know you better is an exceptional fete. Side rant: I am fiercely private of my personal information at work because people can and will use it against you. I learned that lesson the hard way. From that day on I vowed never to share any personal information with anyone from work that I would never want repeated in front of a roomful of people.  Ah but I have digressed...more on this shortly. Meghan actually asked me to lunch very early on. Even though a couple of times I had my lunch with me, I joined her anyway for some fresh air. Code for: If I don't get away from this desk I might go ape shit on this bitch. This was a great way to learn more about the players and the little office nuances that a new person should know: Who leaves early, who stays late, who is the moron who heats up fish in the microwave, who has a "cough" every single day, and who actually drops a deuce in the bathroom. It's always the skinny innocent looking ones! I am so onto you!! But more importantly, these lunch outings tell me who she trusts and doesn't and whyyyy. I absolutely love that most people will reveal a juicy bit of information and take my response of "oh really" as please continue and tell me more! Meghan is absolutely one of those people. Thank you sweet baby jesus. Oh and I am sorry Oprah I totally didn't mean what I said before. Love you boo. 

3) Beware of the Me too!!

As I expected it was only a matter of time until Meghan suggested to the group that I join their Friday lunch adventure. The fierce five as I call them, are culturally a very diverse group, but visually identical. Designer clothes, bags and impeccable style. "Maria you are going to join us eh?" Asks the glamazon ring leader...did she just say eh? Oh that's right she is Canadian...Score F5: zero, MC: one. Lunch was not only delicious but actually entertaining. The gals were very animated and the more they talked the more I realized how much I had in common with them. You love that song Starships? OMG me too! You secretly wish you could star in just one episode of New Girl? OMG me too! You love to rap? OMG me too my nickname is DJ MC!! You get goosies everytime you walk into Bloomies? OMG twinsies!!! But as the new person, the Me Too's need to be controlled if you don't want to come off as if you just ran away from loserville. I was excited that I had a lot in common with them but found it difficult to express it without sounding desperate. I sat back understanding and accepting my place by observing and listening; knowing a connection should and will happen organically. When lunch was over the Canadian queen bee "Stacy" asked me if I wanted to go get coffee before going back. Is Pitbull Mr. 305? DUH of course I want to go. I decided they weren't ready for that joke yet...and just replied with a casual easy breezy sure. Because I am super cool. I thought it was quite telling that nobody else came and it was just the two of us. It was game face time. I did a quick shoulder roll just to make sure I was loose and ready. This is where she assesses and decides if I can join the circle. I felt like this was my chance to forget about the OMG me too and show her a bit of who work Maria is. "Could I please have a venti iced chai light ice please?" she tells the barista in a very Regina George kind of way. Are you effing kiddin me?! That's only been my drink for at least 3 years (thank you Caroline!!) AND light ice too? Could she also have sensitive gums like me? There are many things I am willing to compromise but my coffee isn't one of them. I did one last shoulder roll... Me too. No please Stacy, it's my treat. MC: 2 points

HI LORNE!! Maria is not here right now...

 4) Self-deprecating humor

I learned early on in my life that jokes and being humorous is an appealing quality in people. So naturally I wanted to emulate it. Because then peeps would like...like me and whatnot. When it finally sinked in that I was never going to get a call from Lorne Michaels telling me the video I submitted in 2000 (true story) was so hilarious he just HAD to have me on SNL; it dawned on me...you can't just learn to be humorous you either are or you aren't. It reminded me of that fresh prince episode when Will tries to be a comedian and surprise! He isn't funny. Tragic. I guess nobody will be getting the theraflu anytime soon. Sorry 'Ye. As I grew into adulthood I realized that being real and sharing my life experiences made people laugh. Who knew? I remember how much time I spent one summer working on accents and to this day no matter what I attempt it all sounds EXACTLY the same: like an 85 year old man who has emphysema and marbles in his mouth. My boo is always telling me stop trying but ever the over-achiever I will never give up!! People want someone who they either can feel superior to or relate to - self-deprecation works wonders for both. Stacy and I had a windy moment on one of our outings and both laughed at my spanx show for all in the Flat Iron district. We don't realize that the time we spend trying to be funny or fabricating jokes, distracts us from the ridiculous and always hilarious real life happenings every single day. You can't make this shit up, and sharing it sometimes is all it takes.

Don't worry folks... MC will take it from here!

 5) Join!

If there is a club, committee or anything that goes beyond my immediate department I join. It's a great way to meet new people throughout your company and can lead to great bonding experiences, exposure and possible future movement or growth. I have taken part in corporate challenges, races, softball games, team-building, and now at my new job volunteering committee. Please be kind when you walk by me in Central Park, as I sweat like a beast for nature and work friends. I did it all for the nookie. So you can take that cookie...and stick it up your...actually could you not litter and throw it in the garbage? I really don't want to have to pick that shit up later. Thanks.

A work friend can run the gamut from the person who you hate the least, to someone who becomes a powerful force in your personal life. Making them varies upon how much effort one is willing to put into it, and to me the effort always pays off as long as it is genuine. I think it's vital to have them, but it is a slippery slope when mistaken for real life friends. When we talk about money and careers people can behave quite differently than the bestie we thought we had. I was fortunate enough that at my previous job, a couple of people, after some time, became personal and dear friends of mine. Sometimes that happens, but I may not ever be able to replicate the stars aligning and meeting the people that I did during that time. The few things mentioned above are ways to start that process, but ultimately it is important to remember that peeps naturally gravitate towards those they want to be around. So today when I got in the elevator and didn't recognize a single mug I couldn't help but thinking...

Hey I just met you! And this is crazy! But here's my number. So call me.

maybe.

JAM OF THE WEEK: Only the Horses - Scissor Sisters

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Dim all the lights

...sweet darling cause tonight it's all the way... sure is!! Hey boys and girls I decided to return to normal life from a very busy winter! It's been 3 months! Holy shizballitos time flew by! Did you bitches miss me?! While I didn't plan for my come back blog to be about Donna Summer following her unexpected death, I will tell you that this post sort of wrote itself while I danced (sans pants again!) in my kitchen and my boo made mac and cheese on a saturday night. Because duh that's how we roll. I had an specially trying week of finals, a severe case of the flu, and getting a "donna summer died #RIP" text in the middle of the work day didn't exactly help me bounce back any faster. And yes my better half used a hashtag in a text. You know what that means? It's gonna be a hash-tag-licious POST!! Later on my way to class I stopped to grab a snack at my fave cafe and...they never said your name but I knew who they meant...woaaaa... In my dayquil daze I had forgotten that they always had the radio on in there! AUGHHHHH I was not mentally prepared to hear my fave song just yet. Too much too soon! I swear it was as if Roberto knew that I was suffering and this was revenge (best show EVER!) for all the times I had micromanaged the way he made my sandwich (I think that's enough mayo there killer...I am convinced that he absolutely hates me but because I am there almost everyday for class I am a "sure" customer so he begrudgingly puts up with me. Dude I said that's enough MAYO!) and before I knew it I began mouthing along... I was so surprised and shocked and wondered too... #painful. He was moving sooooo sloooooowly I think I grew some chin hair while I waited. I so wish that was a joke. Don't it strike you sad when you hear our song?  Yes Donna. It does! I took my sandwich and low spirits to class. I wasn't ready to really deal with this tragic music setback (wasn't Whitney enough?! BAHHH-BAYYYY!!! Oh man that will never get old!) until Saturday when I was finally feeling better and finals were behind me. I found Endless Summer on my ipod and hit play. In my kitchen I enthusiastically reenacted the memories of my youth as they pertained to each song; I closed my eyes and relived July 2, 2006 when I was only a few feet away from the Disco Queen herself live and in concert. Then it hit me. The Donna Doctrine! Get pumped because we are gonna talk some serious hot stuff!

I want to say that On the Radio was the first Donna song I ever heard, because it has a special place in my heart. It wasn't long before I realized that most adults saw her as the defining star of the disco era, and to me seemed like the decade I should have been born in; well more accurately I just wish I had lived thru it first hand. As I grew into a "mature" adult (#ha!) I learned from music, dashiki references on the fresh prince, HBO documentaries on studio 54, and Boogie Nights that I could have been a star in the 1970's. The drama of it all would have almost made me pass for a normal human being. Almost. I assure my babes on the regular that I would have looked fierce in a one-piece hooded gold lame jumpsuit with my curl fro brushed out, platforms and some sunnies. And obviously my coke addiction would have kept me svelte: my milkshake would bring all the boys to the yard. Love to love you baby would have been my mantra! #whatcouldhavebeen! As I coped with being born at the wrong time, I vicariously lived thru Donna and her music. Sequins were in for a tinynanosecond in the 1990's and I actually kareoked in a tube top to Bad Girls and I thought I owned the joint. #delusional. The more I learned about this Diva the more of an appetite I had for her music and it would all culminate in a wink and a smile I would never forget.

       Donna Doctrine

History has taught us many things, but one in particular is that if you want to be remembered you need some kind of doctrine. Monroe and Trueman were nobodies until someone cleverly decided they should have a doctrine. Yes I did just say that our presidents were nobodies. Roll with it. Toot toot. Heyyy. Beep beep. LaDonna Adrian Gaines (to this day I still think that's the sickest diva name there could be and she didn't need to change it.) is a five time grammy award winner and a pioneer in record breaking, as she was the first artist to accomplish charting three consecutive double albums at number one on billboard. Fun fact: She was the background singer for Three Dog Night (Jeremiah was a bullfrog!) Many other accolades precede her, including modest box office success and yet it is a mystery to me why a doctrine in her name has not yet been established. Well LaDonna, today I am going to rectify this! Dim all the lights because tonight we are going all the way. 

The Donna Doctrine in my my ridiculi mind consists of 4 major points that I believe illustrate not just the Queen of Disco's career, but also her delicious impact on our culture. 

 

1) Hey Mr! Have you got a dime? 

Before pretty woman humanized prostitution, the working women of the street already had a cheerleader in Ms. Summer with her 1979 album appropriately titled Bad Girls. Known for her epic concept albums, Donna spent two years developing what would give our inner hooker something to toot toot about. She even dressed as one herself for the cover. In the biz they call that method acting, just droppin some knowledge on yo asses. Without a doubt, commercially the songs spawned from this record saw the most success and came to define an era in music and feminism. I mean who turns a topic like prostitution and makes a hit parade with it, while also providing social commentary. #LaDonna, that's who. She works hard for the money. So hard for it honey! 

2) Love to love you baby...for an entire 17 minutes. 

The freedom of the 1970's was a time of unprecedented amounts of sexy time, some white lines, and duh...a great soundtrack. Early in her career Donna co-wrote a song for another artist and famously coined the term love to love you baby. Originally the plan was for her to record the demo only, but her sexual moans were said to be so legendary that she ended up releasing the song as her own. I wish someone would say that about my moans (AHEM: Channing Tatum), I am just looking for some hot stuff - don't judge. Donna told the peeps of the decade love just don't come easy, no it seldom does. So. Do. You. Get some. And they sure did. #bow-chicka-bow-wow! All those souls who were conceived to DS already entered this life with an edge! Totally jelly. However, while it may be easy to disregard a 17 minute song full of moans and moistness (ohhh mah lady parts!), LaDonna turned erotica electronica into a legit music genre. Nothing makes me happier than a sweet born again church choir girl making an orgasmic song! You bad girl, you sad girl, you're such a dirty, bad girl! Beep, beep, uh, uh. Don't worry Donna Jesus Cristo will forgive you! He forgives everyone right?

3) No more tears (Enough is ENOUGH!)

 

Even if you don't offer happy endings, many of Donna's songs are centered around female empowerment, and kick-ass anthems. When I die I want my grave simply to say "She'll never sell out. She never will. Not for a dollar bill. She works hard for the money." Oh who am I kidding? I would totally sell out for the right price!! #realtalk! No more tears is one of my favorite songs and I used to go around middle school and high school randomly dueting with various losers, as if some racid man had wronged me so badly I just had to sing about it. I am gonna go out on a limb and say this is why I did not win prom court. But hey it really is NICE to be nominated. #bullshit. If you ever want to see this epicness, buy me a couple of dark and stormy's, throw in some fries with mozzarella cheese and brown gravy (disco fries), and get me on a stage. I will bring to life LaDonna's anthem!

4) Last Dance

 

Disco, like everything else was uncool, before it became super cool. But it had some help. Donna Summer is without a doubt, the woman who took disco out of underground clubs mostly with blacks and gays, and brought it mainstream for all people to enjoy around the world; similar to what RUN DMC did for Rap. She is so much more than a gay icon for this era and the ones that followed. DS created music that is still relevant in our daily lives and we may not even realize it! At a wedding, if you hear Last Dance start to play, you know it's time to run to the bar and get that last drink before the party is over! No wedding or celebration is complete without this song as its signature finale. The songstress and song were also in an episode of Family Matters (Aunt Oona from Altoona! I loved that show BEYOND words!) and Selena covered it in one of her live albums. Hot Stuff was featured in the movie The Full Monty (one of the best scenes in the film). LaDonna's music has been sampled by Dolly Parton, Beyonce, Reba McEntire, Madonna, Britney...and forevs on...longevity and talent is the name of this game.

 

 

I had the privilege to see LaDonna Adrian Gaines in the flesh right here on Long Island 6 years ago. I was sitting very close to the front of the stage in a small theater and took the beautiful picture above. During the concert she spoke in between each song, sharing an anecdote or a fun fact and we listened as if it was the most glorious piece of information we had ever heard. I grew a pair and screamed I love you! in the middle of her speaking, she winked and smiled and told me she loved me too. #Twinsies! I remember two things very clearly 1) I loved every second of the concert and 2) she sounded EXACTLY like the records. Her voice was outrageously powerful and tender all at once. Donna Summer still has NOT been inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame: this is SHAMEFUL! But I am sure that's all about to change. It seems that in order to be recognized peeps need to bite the dust. That ain't right! I will continue to shake my hot stuff to everyone of your songs, and hope you are in disco land with Michael, Whitney and Robin Gibb while Dick Clark DJ's in sequin pants. Heaven knows it's not the way it should be. #RIPDonna.

 

JAM OF THE WEEK: Endless Summer - entire CD

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

I need love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call...I see I need love. So many people share that sentiment LL (insert lip licking...one more just for good measure) Who could forget our Commander and Chief singing the beloved Al Green classic Let's stay together during a fundraiser a few weeks ago? That's Reverend Green to you bitches! I know I couldn't!! I even blushed a little when I told a friend about it at work!! It was super hot and for all who think the President isn't black enough (yea peeps STILL be saying that) I say why don't you ask former Speaker Newt to sing you some 70's soul. Good luck with that hideous sight. (By the way have you noticed how suddenly everything from insurance to potato chip commercials are using the song?) Even Barry knows the importance a sense of romanticism through the use of music plays in our lives. So in honor of the big V day (not that V you filthy animals!! Jesus this is a legit blog. Ha! Bitch please!) I thought a little romance was in order with of course a little soda music on da sidee...we need love!

Romance runs the gamut when it comes to its meaning, which makes sense since we all interpret it differently. Some would say watching football with their man is romantic. I just threw up all my over myself. That's pathetic. But hey I have only been happily married for almost a decade and have an amazing relationship, but what the effers do I know? Others would say that ONLY elaborate gestures are true romance. I didn't think it was possible but...that's more pathetic than the football. And just to clarify I HEART sports (just not football) and have a grand ol' time going to a tennis match or a yankee game with my boo but I don't classify those outings as romance. For decades we have seen romance play out in hollywood movies in situations that seem to be light years away from real life. In lieu of those grandiose unrealistic moments that don't actually materialize, women settle by forcing regular interaction into the romance category. Real talk. Ladies, mah women, we don't need to pretend a touch down is romantic and we don't need to recreate a Meg Ryan romcom to experience true romance. Remember Sleepless in Seattle?! I heard you on the radio, I love you, let's meet at the Empire State Building. Then years later it was draw me in the nude and I'll never let go Jack. Of course, nobody anticipated how ridic it could REALLY get with Bella and Edward and suddenly the Empire State and a sinking ship (specially after the Italy sitch) seemed more possible than a vampire. In a nation where 2 out of 3 men get down on one knee to propose the only question left to ask is...what the fuck is the third guy thinking?! Unless you are a legit invalid - there is no reason why a man can't take a knee while asking. You do it for your football coach but ya can't do it for your lady?! SERIOUSLY?! Unacceptable. A diamond ring is like kryptonite to women, they will pretty much say yes to anything as long as a sparkler is involved. I have seen many of my friends date (and continue to date) these douchingtons, or as we will describe here as #3. THAT GUY. The moron who won't get on one knee, and makes it that much harder for guy #1 & #2 who are putting forth a genuine effort. And you better believe romance takes work! Did you know that when you french kiss someone you use 34 facials muscles?! How many are there in total?! If Dino is right and you are nobody till somebody loves you then boy are we in trouble!! But really 34...?!

Now just because I don't expect an impromptu pottery class waiting for me when I get home from work, doesn't mean I don't enjoy some cliche romantic moments. We all do. Romcoms are female porn: Kevin Costner embracing Whitney after she runs off the plane (Iffff...Iiiiiii....shoulda stayed...), Heath Ledger singing Can't Take My Eyes Off of You in the bleachers, Adam Sandler on a plane asking via song to grow old together, but today on Valentine's day...(actually any or everyday) I really want to come home to a man (preferably my boo but NOT required) holding a boom box playing In Your Eyes. Honestly, since the times have changed I would even accept an I-phone. So what do all these moments have in common? For me they are my faves because music is involved. Unless you are a psycho like mahself who matches potential situations into entire playlists (I wish I kidding), a Say Anything moment may not always be possible. <Gently weeping> Hit it Old Blue Eyes: I know that music leads the way to romance. I concur.

So let's talk more everyday sensible romance. Aside from being kicked in the balls, the one thing that really REALLY frightens men (even the ones who are in relationships) is hearing "I want more Romance" What the hell does that mean? Peens if you want the ladies to drop it like it's hot you better listen up! Women need romance. There is no way around it. I believe there are three types of everyday romance gents. The first is the what have you done for me lately? type. Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty) tells us for this type of romantic connoisseur neglect is on their mind. Arrogant, and delusional in thinking he is god's gift to this earth, he tries to mascarade his own desires as romantic gestures. My name ain't Keith but I see the way you sweat me. Bitch please. Any statement that starts with "I want to do..." and ends in "wouldn't that be romantic..?" is the polar opposite of romantic. He doesn't do PDA and when you walk together he wants to keep a safe 3 feet distance, just in case an upgrade walks by. Wouldn't want them getting the wrong idea! And god forbid he compliments you EVER. So how can this be a romantic type you ask? Good question smarty pants! Beats me! But apparently 1/3 of women have dated or are currently dating a douche bag such as this type (Cosmo told me that while I was getting my feet did) Caught in a bad romance. Fo reals.

The second type is the love machine (and not the way The Miracles intended it to mean) or more commonly known by my brain as the Casey effect. I have never been an avid Bachelor fan, but I had the unfortunate opporunity to watch it when Ali was looking for love and Casey the psychopath was one of her suitors. The Casey is the bug-a-boo type who is constantly scheming ways to outdo his previous romantic endeavors instead of just being himself. He is the tard who goes and gets a tattoo on a two-week anniversary. I don't know much but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know. And that's the problem with the Casey, he doesn't know much. In fact he doesn't know anything at all! Not even if he actually knows you well enough to love you because he is too busy googling most romantic moments of all time. Barf. That's not real romance! Don't know much about history, don't know much biology. But I do know that I love you. But Casey never gives up, because he thinks this is what fems want. Ali passed and so will we. Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air...oh Casey give it a rest!

The third romance gent is the you look wonderful tonight type. This is one of my all-time favorite romantic songs, not just because it was the one that Chandler chose to propose to Monica with (I miss that show so much), but because it describes a couple living in everyday life. This type of gent may not have 1-800-flowers on speed dial but he knows how to capitalize on everyday moments, even if sometimes he has to remind himself. If the opportunity came he wouldn’t think twice about taking a knee, but he will most likely resort to speaking from his heart rather than some rehearsed romance trickery. In my peepers this is the most delicious type of romance. We forget how special the everyday can be when we are constantly bombarded with fake romance. Real romance to me, is unexpected kisses when you are folding laundry or doing the dishes. We don’t need V-day or an anniversary to express how we feel whether in a serious or silly manner. I am going home where your love has always been enough for me. The best romance can happen at home in your jammies with your soul twinsie. Romance is not just a mandate for the males, females should also be held accountable. It takes two to make a thing go right, it takes two to make it out of sight. Preach! And just in case you are wondering to be an MC is what I choose 'a.  I would say most men can easily be the wonderful tonight type with a little effort and some key listening. As Montell said sometimes you gotta get your groove on before you go get paid. That’s AMORE kids!

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. And what’s wrong with that? I’d like to know…? Sorry Ne-yo but unlike you I am not sick of love songs and I never will be. We need love. I am sick of fake romance. MJ told us it’s all in the way you make me feel. So to all the gentlemen of the world, whether your lady loves music or art or knitting, find a way to make "the everyday" romantic for the both of you. Sometimes all it takes is a simple…Oh my darling you look wonderful tonight…

This week we lost one of the greatest voices of our time. I couldn’t bring myself to write a post about it. Whitney, as a fan, I thank you for the years of amazing music you gave us. I bet the reunion concert in music heaven with Etta, and MJ was amazeballs. I know he sang Hey pretty baby with the high heels on…as you walked in the joint. May you rest in peace, and your legacy continue on through music. "If I should die this very day, don't cry cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay." I will try Whitney. I will try.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS...and get your friends to do it too!!!

@bitchinbbandit

JAM OF THE WEEK: Every single Whitney Houston song

 

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!

Dirrty

If you ain't dirty you ain't here to partyyyyy! I didn't want to have to do this X-tina but you left me no choice. I am not sure what the effers you are doing lately or why you are such a dirrty mess; but given the relentlessness of your outrageous actions you have earned yourself a bitchin bloggin post. Yo that's what's up. Congrats! Ring the alarm and I'm throwing elbows!!

Christina Maria Aguilera (of course her name is Maria! Way to keep stereotypes alive Ecuadorians! At least you threw the "h" in the first name!) stole our hearts as the cute little kid in star search determined to sing her butt off. She sold her young soul to Disney and starred in the infamous Mickey Mouse Club program with the future sweet talkin sugar candy man Justin Timberlake. He's a one stop shop with the real big uhhh... oh JT I am sorry...I wish I could help myself. She faded into adolescence but made her way back during the pop revolution of the 1990's. Move over Brit Brit I gots the abs and THE voice. I am a genie in a bottle baby come come and let me out. I could reenact that entire video (although I'd probably opt for a tunic) because I watched it on an endless repeat loop back in the TRL dayz. She followed up with two more #1 songs from her debut album. What a girl wants is to be on top and to come on over. And she sure was on top. Although constantly compared to the sweet Louisiana girl who sang about being hit one more time, everyone knew she was a voice to be reckoned with. Disney knew it the moment they signed her and continued to capitalize off their investment by featuring Christina in the animated movie Mulan. When will my reflection shine who I am inside... oh don't worry! You are about to go from Christina to X-tina!

After the success of her debut album the sky was the limit for the platinum blonde. She released a spanish album, which is like a right of passage for anyone who can be marketed as latin artist. Although CA is half Ecuadorian the Irish half is clearly the dominant gene. The mayor of Connecticut is at this very moment wondering if she eats Tacos...or is that just a Mexican thing? She gave us a Navidad album which received a decent showing of commercial success, proving to anyone who still doubted her voice that she was fo reals. Apparently the EcuIrish diva was displeased with her image and began a transformation as she promoted her 4th studio album: Stripped. Apparently not just the sky was the limit but also no low-rise leather pant was excluded from this catapult to the top. Assless chaps were never the same after X-tina got thru with them!! Ahhh yea it's time to talk about the infamous dirrty video. Poor Redman he must have been desperate for a little cash flow. Too dirrty to clean my act up. The close ups of their mouths on the video tell you just how dirrty it's about to get. Note the double R. Shit is legit. Except the video was such an obvious ploy to over-sexualize her image to sell more records "express her sexuality" which is totally fine if it is in addition to a concept - not in place of one. She got sweaty and dirrty and then showered and booty popped. El fin. Right? Nope!

Stripped was more than just dirrty dreads and cheeks mcgee for X. She followed with the brilliantly written and emotional Beautiful. Smart. Such a great melody with a power message: You are beautiful no matter what they say! Thanks X! I think so too! Suck it haters! The simplicity of her role in the video helps put into focus the social struggles of gays, anorexics, kids who are bullied, a guy I am convinced was my tennis teacher (as the cross dresser) and people with disproportionately large heads! Talking to you Christina! Those close-ups make your head look ginormous! But here is the good news: Words can't bring you down. So I won't bring you down today. And you fuckin nailed it with that voice. But the calm and toned down Christina was only in strippedville for a short stay. Enter Fighter.

I truly wished you had saved the whole boxing thing for Fighter. But that's neither here nor there. When I racked my brain to remember this video I couldn't. Then I watched it and realized why! It sucks!! It's a (badly executed) goth version of the moth becoming a butterfly. (But kudos to you for sporting Gaga like make-up and weirdness in 2002 BEFORE she even existed in the music world) As a lifetime Lostie (if you have never seen LOST please note that I frown heavily upon this. It is single handedly the best television drama ever. The End.) the scene where Locke explains to Charlie that helping the moth by cutting its cocoon, will in the end hurt it. Depriving the moth of the struggle will hinder it in its survival once in nature. (It's on hulu! Watch it!!) Similarly as humans we are constantly told "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I hate when people say that to me, even though it is absolutely 100% the truth. The first time I heard fighter I decided that was my new way to verbalize the aforementioned. The spoken part at the beginning is delivered with such delicious restraint that for a maniac like me makes me want to immediately emulate. How could this man I thought I knew turn out to be unjust so cruel. The listener is told that some peen wronged our dear X, but since that doesn't apply to me; I will tell you about the times I rolled my windows down and drove on the southern state parkway letting out my anger on my steering wheel "singing" at the top of my lungs to this liberating anthem. (I am pretty sure I never came close to reaching that high C. Or the low one actually!) For the bitches who sabotaged me at work: Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know Just how capable I am to pull through. For all the "friends" who were never really my friends and used me: Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game. For the cunt of a boss who made me clean up her vomit: Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down. Because of you X-tina and this faboosh song I feel empowered. So I want to say thank you cause... SING IT! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!! Made my skin a little bit thicker. Thanks for making me a fighter.

The last and final stop on the Stripped express (at least for us) is Can't hold us down. Strong girl power lyrics like call me a bitch cause I speak what's on my mind make me like the song but the video was such a rip off of something I have seen before... J.Lo and Nas circa 2001. Common X-tina!! You were doing so well! After all is said and done though Stripped has sold over 13 million copies worldwide and earned X a grammy. I had the privilege of seeing her and Mr. Candyman during their Justified/Stripped tour and if there is ever a reason to forgive Ms. Aguilera's social mishaps it is the goosies I got when I heard her do beautiful live. This album is without a doubt her best work.

In 2006 Christina released Back to Basics and in 2010 Bionic. I loved the pin-up look for candyman and the song Keeps getting better. But that is really about it on those 2 albums. Burlesque, a movie I presume nobody actually watched (except for Glitter fans) with Cher, was also released in 2010 featuring our diva. She was relevant but it wasn't because of her music, instead her divorce and weight gain were the topic of discussion. She became the true definition of a hot mess.

In 2011 The Voice reminded us why she truly is one of the best vocalists of our time. Even if her appearance and behavior say otherwise. All the great singers who audition always pick her as their coach, there is a reason why: she knows her shit and the bitch can really SING. Look, I don't care about the weight gain; X-tina you are a beautiful bootylicious woman, but would wearing spanx and clothes that fit be THAT bad? I know first hand what carrying around some extra lbs feels like, but I am not wearing clothes from 1995 and sporting the muffin top look. Your fashion decisions are not flattering to your figure, your hair is frizzy ratty and oily, and you need to start getting professional spray tans. The good news is that these things can all be fixed and (GASP!) even prevented! After the media brouhaha brought upon by the "self-tanner" incident, many came to your defense to say "cut her some slack". But I won't do that. I refuse to cut you slack. Why?! Because I reserve "cutting slack" for tards like LiLo, Snooks and the Kardashians who have no discernible talent to speak of. No slack for you! You have been nominated for 17 grammys and won 4! Rolling Stone ranked you #58 among the top singers of all time!! Act like you somebody boo. Because you are!! If a pee-on like me can go to a tanning salon, have a variety of spanx to fit any occasion, get weekly manis AND wash my greasy hair so can you Christina Maria Aguilera!! Your music is deeply rooted in empowering women, it is time you walked your talk again. I hear you may be doing a collabo with Princess RiRi. I am pumped and look forward to more of that in 2012! But in the end you'll see you won't stop me. I am a fighter, I ain't gonna stop. There is no turning back. Go get 'em X-tina.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS...and get your friends to do it too!!!

@bitchinbbandit

JAM OF THE WEEK: Fighter - Christina Aguilera

As always keep it ferocious and fabulous!